Monday, May 9, 2016

a few years later/ up all night

a lovely day off
waking up late, coffee + gym, boss approved my m&m! i should practice it a lil bit though. i remember i had a very traumatic handovercall presentation once upstairs. even national debate comps dont compare to the trauma level of these kinda presentations sadly.

also i have to revise at least a lil bit for mockcode tomorrow argh
mockcode really helps for real life btw. like how i discovered there's this paper with all the drug doses which one can refer to then the other day during a real code it really helped!! (duh, as one doesnt have to memorize the drug dose. which i do actually but in a real panic situation its very hard to remember. plus i lost my frank shann SIGH)

its funny how life works really. if you asked me a few years ago i would have said i want to do pedsneuro. but nine mths into ce if you asked me now i would love to do this forever. no idea if they would have me HAHA but it's really nice to discover something you love. i think what really gets to me is that even though i was SO noob as a new mo, they taught me everything i needed to know & didn't judge me for being chui, just put it down to being really new to it all. i remember the first month in ce with feli and mich where we were all abit depressed that we were so chui and slow haha! and boss who believed in me, i won't forget that. and how when i was clearly nervous pple would tell me that even though i sound like i dont know what im talking about, i know what i'm talking about. HAHA.

its been a long time since i felt this way
its crazy, i know
& i dont intend to succumb to those feelings, im not the same as my twenty yr old self
at 20yo, you do crazy things for love
the first crush is always the most filled with innocence & hope
like you really truly believe that this is it, he is the one God planned for you
used to really believe that God would send someone randomly out of nowhere
after some time, you no longer believe that
love is something that takes up brain space and atp that could be used for something else
like explaining ad nauseum to parents that fever doesnt hurt the brain

its funny that when i stopped trying everything in general, that life gets a whole lot better
like i used to be a gym bunny and lost like zero kg but now i go to the gym like once in a blue moon and burn my calories by running to the resus room. or just running back and forth from rehab haha

so not only do i not intend to try anymore, i dont intend to hope anymore
there really isnt any point
but i can't stop people from walking in and out of my life
the last person i want to thank for being such a big part of my life is m. he was really such a huge part of my life it's crazy. and i wasnt even in love with him or anything. now i know what j meant all those yrs ago. to have someone be there in your life so much and share so much of your soul and time and life with them but to not feel that way for them, it can get a bit confusing. & it wasn't something i asked for, it just happened. on hindsight im fairly sure that my m5 yr was made much easier by m, definitely. so i really do feel grateful for that. but i want to stop having to thank people for their help. im an independent person yo. 

that said, although i know this isn't meant to be, i shouldn't feel this way, it won't work out for a thousand reasons, i do
it will pass, it always does
i guess at least it makes life a little sweeter
a little sprinkling of cimmanon on a latte
so even though i don't WANT to say thank you, i guess i will
better earlier than later, after i've fallen down the rabbithole

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