Thursday, April 7, 2016

magic/ rainy days

when the first few bars of these songs start playing, i instantly get transported back to myself, in front of the computer at the western general, looking through interminable mris, the black and white blurring in front of my eyes

it's a strange route i've taken, no doubt, at every turn. but i dont regret any of it (yes that is a euphamism for WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE IT MAKES NO SENSE). so i make sense of it by persuading myself otherwise hahah.

ok let's think, what does God NOT want me to do
- quit it all to go learn korean
- quit it all to be a ski instructor

sadly all i want to do now is the aforementioned two things. oh well. my fellow sufferers are so inspiring u wouldn't believe it. esp p. so many evening shifts/ pre evening shifts where i bemoan WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO and he will be like "try again! keep trying again! anyway i like what i'm doing now!" yes true, but...

maybe it is easier, to stick with the comfort zone. and it's not like a SUPER COMFORTABLE comfort zone, there is SO much to learn. and i love that it is becoming slightly more comfortable this rotation :) it felt really nice coming home this time. as i walked the familiar route down the escalator, all the pre-shift fears washing over me again, and all the familiar faces saying YOU'RE BACK! that was nice, i will admit. although sometimes i have to see seven cases in 1 hr and i think nothing in med sch or ho yr could have ever prepared me for that. i think sometimes on call i have only seven adms. LOL.

anyway. it's good to know that God answers prayers. it was always my dream to work in ce andHe truly answered that prayer hundredfold :)

the true reason why these songs make me feel happy is because it reminds me of the happiest time of my life. or rather, the time just before the happiest time. knowing that maybe a few weeks after dragging myself through all that torture, God was going to work a miracle for me :) it's kinda like seeing a rainbow; God's promise. it's been more than weeks now & i can't say ive seen any rainbows for awhile. oh many blessings, no doubt, just not the one i'm looking for. it can't all be for naught right? i guess not. i'm not sure if life is meant to be set up like a novel with a happy ending? no idea. but these songs make me believe for like five minutes that it may be.

You push me away when I try to hold onto you
You don’t say anything even when I cry
The look in your eyes
Reflect my late regret and it hurts me
i can’t erase these memories and they sting me
I try to reach my hand out to you
But why do you get farther from me
The look in your eyes

'... hope does not disappoint us. Romans 5:5
Because of hope, we can rejoice when we run into troubles and trials, for we know that they are good for us. They help us to learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens. We know that all is well,l for we know how dearly God loves us. We feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love (Rom 5:3-5 LB).
We are saved by trusting. And trusting means looking forward to getting something we do not yet have -- for a man who already has something doesn't need to hope and trust that he will get it. But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn't happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently (Rom 8:24-25 LB).

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