Thursday, April 28, 2016

prayin for daylight/ bless the broken road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
(Yes He did)

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.


"I Won't Let Go"

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that

You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own
you're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will fight your fight

I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
you're gonna make it
Yeah I know you can make it

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

eyes nose lips

this is literally fantastic
the expressions on the faces of the audience lol

Tuesday, April 26, 2016


random note
one day i wanna run a spartan race
sounds like exactly my thing :)

just need to find a free saturday (a rarity)

Friday, April 22, 2016

the only way

22nd April: The Only Way

Jesus said, 'I am the way...; no one comes to the Father, but by me'. John 14:6

Our goal is important, but so is the route by which we get there. Jesus tells us that our goal is our Heavenly Father, and that Jesus is himself our Way.  Throughout each day our journey continues, our destination an eternity of joy with God and an unclouded view of him. I'm not suggesting that we'll get there by the end of the day, but we can certainly get several steps nearer. And those steps are taken in Christ -- our WAY. We take the steps by faith -- ie knowing that he is with us, and keeping our eyes upon him, we follow his footsteps obediently. As we do this, the end and the means become one, so that we need only to concentrate on one thing -- staying with Jesus -- our WAY. He will take us to the Father -- no doubt about that. Our only worry is lest we wander off into our own way instead of his.

So we ask Jesus to keep us close to him today, and to whisper -- or shout if necessary (though he should not need to shout) -- a simple warning if at any moment we waver, or take a step off the road.

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year -
'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown'.
And he replied
'Go on into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God,
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a way'.*

after nearly three months off the grid & doing the bare minimum life requires, i think it's time to run this race one last time. for whatever it's worth

on the off chance that this could have been what i'm supposed to do with my life after all. not just because it's become something that's familiar and a comfort zone (although i really thank God that this place has become a comfort zone for me, that in itself is really something to be grateful for!) considering how absolutely NOOB i was when i first stepped into the basement, and how now i can even quickly finish up my pts post shift and go and help out with m&rs to learn more, it's really lovely!

what i really should be doing:
1) practice my instrument for 1 hr daily
2) revise for examS
3) do my research. and aim to get my paper publishedd
4) gym erm... at least 3x per month (HAHA you would be amazed how rare this is)
5) pack the house. or rather unpack fully from the reccent move
6) claim all my transport claims from this month..
7) hunt down all the ingredients required to bake a cake

in order of importance. HAHA.

what i have been doing instead
- surviving shifts
- learning korean
- being thoroughly inspired by the drama golden time
- puffing breathless children. high fiving little kids. giving out sweets to random little children
- making it to church for the last 10 mins of mass (yay!)

ok, not all is lost huh

Monday, April 18, 2016

the fourth watch of the night

24th April: Brinkmanship

About the fourth watch of the night he came to them... Mark 6:48
We all have a touch of the 'brinkman' about us, some more than others! Out of bed at the last possible moment -- toast munched, as we scurry down the corridor -- wet towel and black coffee as we swot in the all-too-short months before an exam -- midnight oil burnt for the report due yesterday -- the results not obtained, the X-rays not fetched, the investigations not done, that send everybody else, quite unfairly, into a panic-stricken fever of activity! O the misery to ourselves and the nail-biting anxiety of others of the vicious circle of 'never doing today what we can possibly leave till tomorrow!'.
Have you ever noticed how often God seems to act right at the last moment? Yet his brinkmanship is of a totally different order. He is never in a hurry, yet, in spite of our impatient apprehension, he is never late. His seeming delays are never because of a lack of care for us. It was because he saw their heavy going against a head wind that he came to them about the fourth watch of the night, walking on the sea (Mk 6:48). (Would we have left it until the morning?). How typical of us that they were surprised and frightened by his coming and nearly let him pass by without inviting him into the ship! It was the very night before Herod's proposed execution of Peter that the angel rescued him from prison. All honour to Peter's faith that he could spend his last night on earth asleep, chained to two soldiers (Acts 12:6).
Why does God seem to leave it so late before he intervenes? Is it that he can only act when we have exhausted our puny resources? Or that he will not share his glory with anyone else, and we and the world have got to see how he alone did it (1 Cor 1:28-29)? Is it to strengthen our faith in his unslumbering care (Ps 121:4)? Or perhaps to bless us more than we had ever thought possible (Jn 11:5-6, 15, 40)?
'In the fullness of time' -- his time -- 'God sent forth his son...' (Gal 4:4 AV). If he could do that at the right time, can we not trust him with the events of our lives?
Lord, teach me that sometimes you have to wait
until I have come to the end of myself
before you can bless me,
until I have finished trying my own plans
before you can show me yours.
Help me to recognise your perfect timing,
and to know that you will never let me down.


The Jews, as well as the Romans, usually divided the night into four watches of three hours each. The first watch began at six, the second at nine, the third at twelve, the fourth at three. During these many tedious and distressing hours of storm and tempest, of darkness and danger, Jesus saw his disciples, though they saw not him: he beheld their perplexity and fear, while they were conflicting with the winds and waves, and observed how they toiled in rowing: Mark 6:48; yet he delayed all this time to go to their relief; seeing it proper so long to try their faith and patience. But in the fourth watch — When, it is probable, as the storm was not at all abated, they had begun to despair of deliverance; Jesus went unto them, walking on the water — agitated, stormy, and tumultuous as its billows were. Thus God often lengthens out the troubles of his people, and defers the time of their deliverance. But when things are come to an extremity, and they are ready to think he hath forgotten them, he unexpectedly appears for their relief and rescue; of a sudden the storm becomes a calm, and they are happily brought into a safe port. Thus, in the morning watch he appeared for Israel in the Red sea, troubled and dismayed their pursuing enemies, and delivered his people: and in all ages the extremity of his church has been his opportunity to visit and appear for her. He that keepeth Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps, but has constantly his eye upon them, and, when there is need, walks in darkness for their succour, support, and comfort. What a wonderful proof have we here of Christ’s sovereign power over the creatures, which are all under his feet, and at his command, forgetting their natures, and changing their most essential qualities at his word! 

The Romans divided the night into watches of three hours each, and there were four watches to the night. During the first watch of the night they began with great intensity. They kept rowing and rowing and getting nowhere. They began to get discouraged. In the second watch of the night, I’m sure just as they were tempted to quit, some of the disciples said, “Come on, we can do this! We’ve done this before. This is nothing new. We’ve done it, let’s do it again.” They continued to struggle. In the third watch of the night they still had gone nowhere and more were tempted to despair. But maybe there was a lone voice, one or two perhaps, who said, “Come on, we can do this! We can do it, we’ve done it before. Don’t give up now, keep struggling.” In the fourth watch of the night there was utter despair. I imagine the disciples said to one another, “We’re doomed. We can’t do it. We’ve lost. The sea is too great for us.
If things are difficult we might be tempted to think God must be against us. If things are difficult we might sometimes think that we have done something wrong and we are being punished. If I find myself in pain, in distress, in suffering, am I far from God? Jesus comes to His disciples in the fourth watch of the night. He comes when it is darkest. He comes after they have struggled for nine or ten hours. He comes to them not at the beginning of their struggle, but He comes to them at the end of their struggle.
Why does He wait until the 4th watch of the night?
There are many answers to a question like this. One answer is certain, God lets us struggle so that we might be humbled by our struggle. It is then that our Lord came to the disciples. He lets us struggle so that we might see that we have nothing.
He lets us struggle so that we might have faith; and God lets us struggle so that we might see the reality of who He is. What is it that the disciples said after this took place? They fell down on their knees before Christ and said, “Truly Thou art the Son of God.” We know the truth when we have struggled to believe.
The revelation of divine truth does not often come to us when life is comfortable. The revelation which is existentially real to our hearts does not come when everything is going right, when our refrigerators are full and our bank accounts have extra and everybody is treating us the way we want to be treated and everything is explainable, and we’re happy as clams. It doesn’t come then. The revelation of divine truth comes when we struggle and in our struggle we believe.

When we’ve struggled, and not quit; when we’ve struggled through the first watch of the night into the second watch of the night, and through the second watch of the night into the third watch of the night, through the third watch of the night into that watch of despair, the fourth watch; it’s when we’ve suffered the agony of loneliness and the agony of despair and the agony of facing our own helplessness and the agony of life’s futility, and the agony of the fact that life does not make sense-it’s then, when we struggle to believe, that we are granted the knowledge that is salvation. 
“Come on, we can do this! We’ve done this before. This is nothing new. We’ve done it, let’s do it again. Don’t give up now, keep struggling.”
this has a very dory feel to it haha. keep swimming, keep swimming
the third watch of the night has come & gone. while it's true that potentially there is a lot of other stuff i could do with my life other than continuing on with this sea-swim, i realized that i want to do THIS with my life. unfortunately, it's also not really my decision to make. i mean i can do SOME things to help this come to fruition but there is also a point at which if i have to give up trying, i have to give up trying. 
i think the problem is that each time that time of yr comes around, i get to thinking "God is going to work a miracle for me! now! i'm finally going to get it!" but it just never was the time. the problem, or blessing, goodness knows which, is that the door is not closed with FINALITY. there is always the soft option of trying again, and again, as the years tick by. the problem is that my childish faith just believed that after the loooong struggle to get to this point, i would get it easily and quickly. there was always some justification to be made - oh, more experience is good, oh i'm still junior. and internally to myself, i could justify that i wasn't ready yet. the problem is that when i was ready, or when the justifications  run out, the door still remains firmly glued shut. 
the problem, or the good thing, not sure which, is that after all these years, i still want it. somehow i have managed to keep afloat through the storms, thanks to God's grace. to be honest for the past 2.5 months that's all i've been doing. just keeping afloat, hoping that i won't sink in the storm. occasionally a mermaid sings in the the storm, or i hear frozen refrains on replay outside the door (the kid clearly did not have a sore throat, at any rate), but it's not me singing, that's for sure. i guess you could say i've given up hoping that he would come during my fourth watch of the night. because waiting thru the first three were tiring enough as it was. 
well. if He does, thanks to my day job (or night job rather), i'm quite sure at the very least, i will be awake during the fourth watch of the night. and i would be very very very grateful for it, not to say the least. a tiny light in the distance to surrepititiously hope for, through the interminable night shifts

Thursday, April 14, 2016

the funny thing is, it used to be the days blurring into a golden haziness; of sitting in that four walled room jailed inside a computer, staring into mri scans that i learnt absolutely nothing from; seeing as how i still dont know how to read mri scans years on...

watching the summer-filled days dance past the windows, picnics on the lawns, people suntanning themselves on the rare days of sun that i only knew from hearsay since i was never there to see it for myself. we spent our days in that grey building, outlining brains on a computer like a neverending story, eating the same cafeteria food everyday, like 1984 and groundhog day on replay

nowadays, it's the nights blurring into one long continuous midnight movie. no doubt, a far more exiciting one; greys anatomy and er and scrubs on replay; living out the dramas i always dreamed of. i guess if something has to be on replay, at least its of dramas i loved. 


sanctus real being awesome as always

the image of the dude walking towards the fire in the woods & later out of the woods into the sunlight really hit home


But don't you know that in love No fear can rest, all fear must run So what you feel alone it proves That you forget what He called you to do Oh this is love It heals the brokenhearted It sets the captive free It walks an extra mile Even for your enemies It moves every mountain Swallows up the sea Searches every corner Finding you and me

Sunday, April 10, 2016


Time seemed like forever but passes by
Deep calm imprisons me even more
Silence ensnares me in a deeper place
It’s a delusion that I’m an adult too

When the person I thought would be with me forever left me
I felt that there is not one person who will protect me
I was deluded thinking that I was left alone

It’s only a process, we are still too young
When the end comes I will say it then

I saw myself wandering in memories again today
Like nothing ever happened I turn back time
So that I can’t see you, so I can’t go to you, so I can’t know you
So that we will only pass each other
As if all of our time together didn’t exist from the very beginning

the new cn blue songs are so pretty :)

Saturday, April 9, 2016

one of these nights

I just woke up from a dream
There’s a sad, lone star in the dark sky once again
Goodbye, we said our awkward goodbyes
As I turned around and went on my way
It felt so far

In the same time, just for a minute
In the same place, stay for a minute

In that short moment, everything stopped for you and me
Why didn’t I know that was a miracle?
I’ve stopped in that day with the old story
I’m going through heartache longer than the times we loved

Past the Milky Way, in a faraway place
I’m going through our white memories
It’s alright if it’s just a dream
Let’s meet again

One of these days
One of these years
Waiting is just a little thing for me now

Let’s meet again
One Of These Nights

it's all coming together & beginning to make sense

Thursday, April 7, 2016

magic/ rainy days

when the first few bars of these songs start playing, i instantly get transported back to myself, in front of the computer at the western general, looking through interminable mris, the black and white blurring in front of my eyes

it's a strange route i've taken, no doubt, at every turn. but i dont regret any of it (yes that is a euphamism for WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE IT MAKES NO SENSE). so i make sense of it by persuading myself otherwise hahah.

ok let's think, what does God NOT want me to do
- quit it all to go learn korean
- quit it all to be a ski instructor

sadly all i want to do now is the aforementioned two things. oh well. my fellow sufferers are so inspiring u wouldn't believe it. esp p. so many evening shifts/ pre evening shifts where i bemoan WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO and he will be like "try again! keep trying again! anyway i like what i'm doing now!" yes true, but...

maybe it is easier, to stick with the comfort zone. and it's not like a SUPER COMFORTABLE comfort zone, there is SO much to learn. and i love that it is becoming slightly more comfortable this rotation :) it felt really nice coming home this time. as i walked the familiar route down the escalator, all the pre-shift fears washing over me again, and all the familiar faces saying YOU'RE BACK! that was nice, i will admit. although sometimes i have to see seven cases in 1 hr and i think nothing in med sch or ho yr could have ever prepared me for that. i think sometimes on call i have only seven adms. LOL.

anyway. it's good to know that God answers prayers. it was always my dream to work in ce andHe truly answered that prayer hundredfold :)

the true reason why these songs make me feel happy is because it reminds me of the happiest time of my life. or rather, the time just before the happiest time. knowing that maybe a few weeks after dragging myself through all that torture, God was going to work a miracle for me :) it's kinda like seeing a rainbow; God's promise. it's been more than weeks now & i can't say ive seen any rainbows for awhile. oh many blessings, no doubt, just not the one i'm looking for. it can't all be for naught right? i guess not. i'm not sure if life is meant to be set up like a novel with a happy ending? no idea. but these songs make me believe for like five minutes that it may be.

You push me away when I try to hold onto you
You don’t say anything even when I cry
The look in your eyes
Reflect my late regret and it hurts me
i can’t erase these memories and they sting me
I try to reach my hand out to you
But why do you get farther from me
The look in your eyes

'... hope does not disappoint us. Romans 5:5
Because of hope, we can rejoice when we run into troubles and trials, for we know that they are good for us. They help us to learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens. We know that all is well,l for we know how dearly God loves us. We feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love (Rom 5:3-5 LB).
We are saved by trusting. And trusting means looking forward to getting something we do not yet have -- for a man who already has something doesn't need to hope and trust that he will get it. But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn't happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently (Rom 8:24-25 LB).

Monday, April 4, 2016

letting go

the emotions are so palpable in this song. lovely

been having a spate of really interesting cases all at once (as opposed to urtis). which is fun :)

also planning tons of fun stuff. mainly TRAVELLING. can't wait!!


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...