Monday, March 7, 2016

i still believe

it's been a really enjoyable month - of seven resus shifts, of korean classes, of purely bumming between shifts. and now i'm on leave! wahoo (in which i have 101 things to do during this time sigh). i think all my friends know how much i love resus. haha i was telling d abt my SEVEN resus shifts last month (to put it in perspective some months i only have 1-2 resus shifts) and he was like "but you like running to resus what". sometimes the nurses see me running to resus and say "wah so fast ah" (because the nurse making the announcement hasn't even finished her sentence yet, like she will say "doctors to resus for-" then i'm at the door already). wahah cheap thrills yes i know. adrenaline ++. sometimes as i run to resus the thought strikes me - maybe this is why God made me join cross country and take part in all those fartleks? funny the ways God works huh.

anyway, sleep-deprived as i am, i guess i just want to say that this month suspended in animation has made me think a lot about my priorities in life. i think that i still am inherently not very ambitious. in fact, when push comes to shove, i would always prioritize the happiness of those around me over my own happiness. (not everyone obviously, only some people. i am clearly no saint.). and although sometimes i do gripe about it but if you asked me, i would always make the same choices all over again.

not being ambitious aside, i really do want to get into a training program for SOMETHING, not because i want to subsubspecialize but because i really do want to join drs without borders. or something similar, one day. and i'm very sure that God must have a reason for putting me in ce for ten months. every day i spend in ce, the more i am sure that this is what i want to do with my life. snrs have been telling me how much i improved wahaha i am grateful but also can't help thinking what a noob i must have been when i first arrived. LOL. but it really inspires me to prepare for part 2, not really to put more stuff on my cv but so that i know what i am talking abt. even though i may not sound like i know what i am talking about... HAHA.

my patient's mother told me that i am really good with kids :) yay. i guess if i dont get this eventually i can be a kindergarten teacher. anyway my immune system is already primed for all the rsv viruses huh

i guess what i'm saying is that even after all these uncertainties, after all the rejections - i still believe. i still believe that He is going to work it out for us someday (even if it really doesn't seem like it, most days.) i know i dont really have any sort of highground to tell the others that it's all going to be ok since my own life looks to the outside eye to be far from perfect, and i have very varying degrees of inner peace depending on the day/ time of day, and i'm also not a saint. but i still cling to this belief. one easter sunday again we'll be able to sing the songs & mean what we say. i don't know which easter sunday it'll be but that day will come, i am sure of it :)

now just to survive the great house-moving. i have moved house SO MANY TIMES in the past 5 yrs or so sigh. i can do this yeah!!


I wake up to another day
I don't know if I can face
All the fears (that are) staring me down
Yeah, I'm trying to be brave
But I'm a thread, about to fray
I wanna stand but I don't know how

I look up and all I see is Your love holding me
When I feel like giving up
When my heart is hurt too much
Feels like I've reached the end
No, I won't turn and run
This battle will be won
When I've done all I can
I stand stand stand
I stand stand stand

Some days I lose my place
It's a fight to keep my faith
But You are with me, I am not alone, no
But all around my world gives way
Toss like an ocean wave
You are my rock and the storm clouds blow

On Your promise, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand

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