Friday, February 5, 2016

on fireworks

I remember that moment, i remember the pain
I was only a girl, i grew up that day
I was doing my best to be strong, no one to turn to
Thats when i met You

All this time
From the first tear cried 
To today's sunrise
You've been walking with me all this time
So no awards for the most eloquent, mature, well thought out treatises

Neither does each epilogue get increasingly more mature or insightful, each year. 

But i have a few things to say nevertheless:
I dont regret it. I dont regret a single moment
I gave it my all. 
I ran the race, i fought the good fight.
I did things i never knew i was capable of doing
I enjoyed each and every moment and i really did give it my best shot

Some days (and nights) were off the ritchter scale, but we all survived. I'd like to think i was able to praise God in the stormiest of storms. Through car breakdowns, through computer downtimes, through surprise t&ses, through raptor attacks. 

I can see the end point, very clearly. 

The part that's blurry is the part in between. 

Yes, it's true that God has dragged me through a lot of very messy interludes and saved me thousands of times in my 26 years of existance thus far. I could descend into drivel about why he didnt save me this time, but life has taught me that firstly, its not up to us to decide when God saves us. He decides. Secondly, there must be a reason why things turn out a certain way & it wont be clear now- it only will be clear later on. And thirdly, all we can do is do our best to trust that it's all going to be ok and make the current situation as not-messy as possible. Haha.

I honestly do not think(anymore. Clearly.) that there is a magic number at which God will save me. On the bright side, at least i now know his will. Whatever happened today, it was His good and perfect will (even if it doesnt feel like it). The choices i made in the intervening 1 yr were not wrong, i dont regret them. I thoroughly enjoyed my baby mo yr and i learned a lot from it. 

I just pray that in the next year, i continue to make the right choices. So that when i look back on all this, i will be able to confidently say that i can see God's hand in my life.

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