Monday, February 29, 2016

On a completely random day sitting in the hospital library doing my research as always, engineering shift swops and trying to decide which ministries i have time to help out with, post a nightmare evening shift and pre night shift (please God help us survive tonight...), suddenly struck by a feeling of peace

That God is going to work our miracles somewhere somehow someday

I dont know how or when or what, but it's going to work out

And i wouldnt have it any other way

On a separate note, learning korean has been a v good choice! :) every saturday i look forward to class. Such a nice way to take the mind off things

Monday, February 22, 2016

don't forget

such a pretty wintery mv :)

You and I, even if we become strangers some day
Even if we become two people who can’t ever come together again
Don’t forget me

I hope you’ll remember me some day
I hope you’ll look back at least once
i love learning a new language! the feeling when you can read a totally different language that was previously a mystery to you is totally awesome.

work aside, it's nice having a breather for awhile (not to mention shift work makes you only want to sleep/eat/chillax when you are actually awake), you can take some time off the daily grind to think about what to do next with your life

maybe i'll go learn korean or french and be a ski instructor in switzerland/ korea. sounds good to me.

what i wanted to say that day although it didn't quite come out that way: 
"thank you for believing in me when no-one else believed in me. for seeing the good in me in the one time in my life when it seemed that there wasn't any good in me at all, when everyone around me was telling me that i was doing the wrong thing" 

i could have phrased it so much better than what i actually said huh. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

faith vs control

credit to :)
When you obsess over problems instead of looking to God for solutions, the enemy will magnify your fears. If he can’t get you to worry about the present, he’ll remind you of everything that could go wrong in the future!
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “All I have seen has taught me to trust God for all I haven’t seen.”
The last time you checked, wasn’t God still bigger than any terrorist attack, financial disaster, illness, accusation, or mess you found yourself in? Well, He hasn’t changed!
David said, “He won’t go to sleep. The Lord is at your right side. [He] will keep you safe wherever you go.” (Ps 121:3-8)
It all comes down to faith versus control. You can struggle to handle things on your own, or trust your Heavenly Father. That’s the choice!
It’s not about ‘blind faith;’ it’s about believing that God is who He says He is. And it’s an issue you need to settle in your mind once and for all, because if you don’t believe He wants only the best for you, you’ll keep trying to run the show.
Control isn’t responsibility. Responsibility is doing your part by praying, obeying, and trusting God. Control is manipulating the circumstances to engineer the outcome you want.
Jesus knows how we like holding on to things we’re not wise enough to control, so He said, “If you want to save your life, you will destroy it. But if you give [it] up for me, you will save it” (Luke 9:24).
 sometimes it feels like i never stopped wandering in the sahara desert. but consciously i know that isn't true! God has given me many many years of happiness & blessings. there MUST be a reason for everything, even if i don't know what the reason is. i don't think it was WRONG to have believed blindly, to have praised him in the storms, to have entertained romantic visions of myself growing up to be someone who flies to distant lands/ warzones to save people's lives. to have lived a few months really and truly believing that my dreams would come true and that i could do that one day.

goodness only knows i have spent many easters NOT praising Him in the storms. sometimes its very very hard to sing joyful songs of praise when you don't really feel like it (yes been there done that.) but no matter where life brings us to, it's not how rock bottom you can go to, it's how you climb out of it that matters most :)

and i know i'm good at rock-climbing out of rock-bottom situations! if anything, that's my specialty :) the issue isn't really how to rock-climb, it's where to climb TO.

there seems to be two schools of thought (from preshift googling "how to know what God's will is"/ "what to do when God says no"), etc. one is that God always wants our happiness/ has a grand plan for us/ everything is going to be okay just hang on and wait, another one is that there is no specific plan/ just general follow the commandments etc/God doesn't owe us anything (best described by relevant magazine here)

When trying to discern God’s will for our lives, it is tempting to spend all our our time in prayer. God, what do you want me to do with my life? Should I take this job? Should I move to that city? Should I enroll at the school? Should I marry him? Should I break up with her?The list of prayers could run on till eternity. But what if the key to discerning God’s will for your life was to stop praying so much about it?
I went through a season a few years ago when God was eerily quiet. When I prayed for direction or insight, there was nothing but silence. The conversations typically went like this. Maybe you can relate.
Me: God? What do you think I should do?
God: (silence)
Me: God, I really want to do your will. Can you tell me what that is?
God: (the sound of crickets)
Me: God, will you give me clarity on what I should be doing?
God: (more silence)
Me: God? Are you even listening? I can’t hear you. Will you answer me?
Day after day, the conversations continued in the same fashion. I would ask God for an answer on a decision, and in return, I would hear nothing. I was at a crossroads, and honestly didn’t know what God wanted me to do. I prayed. I sought counsel. I prayed more. God was incredibly silent.

and HAHA yes i can identify with the crickets. TELL ME ABOUT IT. and i do agree that God's specific instructions may not be always what we want to hear/ the most convenient , as exemplified in the comments section:
When I consider almost all Biblical examples of people to whom God gave individualized instructions, I hesitate to ask for a personalized epiphany. "Abram! Road trip!" "Jeremiah, bury some underwear for a long time then wear it as a message to prideful people, who will not respond to your smelly sacrifice." "Paul! Road trip!"

i think it's a combination of BOTH philosophies. yes we have free will to make our choices in life be they right or wrong, but it's not all anarchy where we run around randomly. well. not COMPLETELY anarchy. i think there is some plan, and sometimes if we veer off the general direction, if we go too far off, then God can always nudge us back (or pluck us off the wrong path and plonk us back into the right one). yes. i really do believe in that.

also it's not really fair to project my own hopes & dreams onto God's will and then feel crushed when i don't get it & question where God is. it's not like he appeared in front of me and insisted to me that i put down this choice on the application form.

to be frank, i applied for this because i wanted it. because i enjoy my daily work & because with each year of experience i get, i realize that i'm able to do it. because i love highfiving kids, because i love running to resus. because i love doing pastest questions & it becomes more like a game than a chore or cramming for exams. the part where i thought that God would DEFINITELY work a miracle for me, esp since it was the third time... well clearly it wasn't true. not this time at least. so. i guess that was me projecting my wants & desires onto what i thought was His will.

so after thinking about it for a long time, in a way it's a difficult choice but in a way it's also the only choice i can make at this point in time. it would be a even more difficult choice to give this up actually. i really hope i dont have to make that choice one day, but if i DO have to, i also know that i can do some amount of good in this world ANYWAY with the alternatives. plus, i'm very unlikely to starve in the streets either way. so, it's not all bad, except that i really do love doing what i do now. so i hope i get to continue with it.

that said, i've been literally bumming around for the longest time, not helped by the strange shift work hours haha. so if i want to do it, i think it's not wrong to try, but i need to AMP UP and do 101 things to make sure it works out this time.

so here i go :)

Friday, February 5, 2016

on fireworks

I remember that moment, i remember the pain
I was only a girl, i grew up that day
I was doing my best to be strong, no one to turn to
Thats when i met You

All this time
From the first tear cried 
To today's sunrise
You've been walking with me all this time
So no awards for the most eloquent, mature, well thought out treatises

Neither does each epilogue get increasingly more mature or insightful, each year. 

But i have a few things to say nevertheless:
I dont regret it. I dont regret a single moment
I gave it my all. 
I ran the race, i fought the good fight.
I did things i never knew i was capable of doing
I enjoyed each and every moment and i really did give it my best shot

Some days (and nights) were off the ritchter scale, but we all survived. I'd like to think i was able to praise God in the stormiest of storms. Through car breakdowns, through computer downtimes, through surprise t&ses, through raptor attacks. 

I can see the end point, very clearly. 

The part that's blurry is the part in between. 

Yes, it's true that God has dragged me through a lot of very messy interludes and saved me thousands of times in my 26 years of existance thus far. I could descend into drivel about why he didnt save me this time, but life has taught me that firstly, its not up to us to decide when God saves us. He decides. Secondly, there must be a reason why things turn out a certain way & it wont be clear now- it only will be clear later on. And thirdly, all we can do is do our best to trust that it's all going to be ok and make the current situation as not-messy as possible. Haha.

I honestly do not think(anymore. Clearly.) that there is a magic number at which God will save me. On the bright side, at least i now know his will. Whatever happened today, it was His good and perfect will (even if it doesnt feel like it). The choices i made in the intervening 1 yr were not wrong, i dont regret them. I thoroughly enjoyed my baby mo yr and i learned a lot from it. 

I just pray that in the next year, i continue to make the right choices. So that when i look back on all this, i will be able to confidently say that i can see God's hand in my life.


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...