About Me

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

nobody knows



this is a good description of the EPIC night shift that just ended.

it really feels like i take one step up the rock wall then slip down two steps.  in fact im really beginning to feel like the rolling stone who gathers no moss, or like a wanderer in the sahara desert, i think at least these eight months (and ce in particular) has given me a glimpse of a possibility to chase one of my myriad childhood dreams. it felt for a moment like i could possibly have the fortitude and the capability one day to do that, and that was magical. like just perhaps even after all these wrong turns, dead ends, God maybe did indeed have a Plan, after all. and then i'm back to reality where one crazy nightshift and i realize my limitations all over again. i think the worst moment was having the T&S sprung on me and then suddenly having many patients simultaneously subqeueued. but subsequently the actual t&s was so smooth and thank God the actual sutures looked quite well opposed and neat! haha procedures make me happy (but not sudden ones sprung upon me at unearthly hours)

ANYWAY. it was very traumatizing overall but not something new to be traumatized each posting to be honest. i kind of like the times when i'm down to scraping the last bits of the barrel anyway & have nowhere to go but up. at least you can sit down, take stock of your life & see how you can improve.

it's true that i'm not a sprinter, im a long distance runner & this job sadly is more of a sprinting thing. something u need v fast reflexes for, i dont have that. i can only imprint the usual things in my memory so it becomes like a mental shortcut. i acknowledge that if new things pop up then obviously i wouldnt be so fast to react to that. but it's ok! i'm open to learning new things. i guess i'm still considered a baby mo, so i would prefer to be thusly traumatised now rather than when i'm like in some foreign land w drs without borders and without any snr to call.

im going to eat loads of chocolate now though,

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