Wednesday, January 27, 2016

247/ galaxies

old but goood :)

Oh telescope,
Keep an eye on my only hope,
Lest I blink and get swept off the narrow road,
Hercules, you've got nothing to say to me,
'Cause you're not the blinding light that I need.
For He is the saving grace of the galaxies (galaxies, galaxies, galaxies, galaxies)
He is the saving grace of the galaxies (galaxies)

Dear God, I was terribly lost
When the galaxies crossed
And the sun went dark.
But dear God, You're the only North Star
I would follow this far.


post 2 resus shifts, i woke up literally feeling like i had run a race ytd. unfortunately, no, my race is NEXT week. (not to mention i havent trained for it at all LOL. good luck to me)

i actually do like resus shifts (more on hindsight), and i know it's a good place to learn. notably ytd as i was standing in resus room documenting on the cow, a med student said this to me
student: how come you're always here!
me: errr..? it's my job?
student: nono i mean, always in resus.
me: coz i'm resus mo tonight!
student: ohh... but u were resus mo last night too!
me: tell me about it. i have no idea why
student: will you be resus mo every night?
me: i sincerely hope not!!

also wanna share this lovely r&B video

the time is passing fast
and i pass each day barely 

the feeling each day post shift each shift that i barely survive as i go to eat my post shift choc from cheers is really priceless though. lol.

Thursday, January 21, 2016


I keep having ptsd abt my night shift sigh. No matter how i try, i keep hearing the 5am (and 6am, and 7am, and 8am) admonishments replayed in my mind at random times. Dunno sounds like ptsd to me. Dont get me wrong, i know what went wrong (the very definition of technical difficulties) and i know that i shld have been in perfect tiptop condition to roll with the punches. And yeah five years of boxing practice and i cant roll with the punches... thats what im most dissappointed with myself about. And yeah i know i was not the only one who got scolded (we all did) and i know all the migitating factors and stuff. And i traced back the pts i ended up admitting and i feel relieved that in the end everything was ok. 

But the words keep ringing in my ears. 

So its probably good that i met my supervisor today for our first proper meeting! :) only cos the last time it was dr s (who was so awesome btw) and he only realized he was my supervisor like halfway thru the posting LOL so this time, thought id prob shld be more proactive waha. And she was telling me that im better the second time round :) sometimes its good to hear from someone other than ur internal cheerleader that you are actually swimming rather than sinking. And its also probably good if my supervisor doesnt think i am tooo chui. Yes. Not that honestly marks really matter to me at this stage of my life but passing the posting is prob a good idea. 

Anyway. I always pick myself up. And for those times i cant, God will :) so i know its going to be ok! I will just learn what i can from it, there are a lot of things to learn from that night. And a lot of good advice from my supervisor today. And keep on walking this very very dimly lit road and hope that one day i will see the light at the end of the darkness like i distinctly did, 6 yrs ago that night (incidentally with m, which it is too latte for, guess we cant have  everything) 

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

nobody knows

this is a good description of the EPIC night shift that just ended.

it really feels like i take one step up the rock wall then slip down two steps.  in fact im really beginning to feel like the rolling stone who gathers no moss, or like a wanderer in the sahara desert, i think at least these eight months (and ce in particular) has given me a glimpse of a possibility to chase one of my myriad childhood dreams. it felt for a moment like i could possibly have the fortitude and the capability one day to do that, and that was magical. like just perhaps even after all these wrong turns, dead ends, God maybe did indeed have a Plan, after all. and then i'm back to reality where one crazy nightshift and i realize my limitations all over again. i think the worst moment was having the T&S sprung on me and then suddenly having many patients simultaneously subqeueued. but subsequently the actual t&s was so smooth and thank God the actual sutures looked quite well opposed and neat! haha procedures make me happy (but not sudden ones sprung upon me at unearthly hours)

ANYWAY. it was very traumatizing overall but not something new to be traumatized each posting to be honest. i kind of like the times when i'm down to scraping the last bits of the barrel anyway & have nowhere to go but up. at least you can sit down, take stock of your life & see how you can improve.

it's true that i'm not a sprinter, im a long distance runner & this job sadly is more of a sprinting thing. something u need v fast reflexes for, i dont have that. i can only imprint the usual things in my memory so it becomes like a mental shortcut. i acknowledge that if new things pop up then obviously i wouldnt be so fast to react to that. but it's ok! i'm open to learning new things. i guess i'm still considered a baby mo, so i would prefer to be thusly traumatised now rather than when i'm like in some foreign land w drs without borders and without any snr to call.

im going to eat loads of chocolate now though,

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

smile again

so there are two things i ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted to do with my life. 

the reason why i dragged myself through all those morning circuses, and even before that through endless reams of unsolvable maths equations, is because of THIS

crazy childhood dreams coming to fulfilment

(ok so i also wanted to be a peds neurosurgeon but clearly not happening. HAHA. its ok.)

thank you God!! please please help the dates to synchronize. isn't it crazy how all these little & big prayers we prayed come to pass, after all these years? IT WAS WORTH IT. exiting til midnight in gs, days blurring into each other on my rotations of what seems like eternal night shifts

i survived paeds med :)
thank you God!

Friday, January 1, 2016

on starfish/ 2015 in review

jan: yesterday i was reassuring some patient and her relative of something and feeling quite warm fuzzies as the aunty smiled benevolently at me... then suddenly her smiling daughter said "... oh and how old are you? 21?" LOL.
feb: i just need to make a difference to one starfish a day. as long as it makes a difference to that starfish, it's enough. in this year, i'm going to become the best starfish-thrower i can be. that's my resolution

march: I SURVIVED NIGHT FLOAT. and i didnt have to call my mo a single time to help with plugs. NOT A SINGLE TIME. personal achievement. 
april: 11 years ago, this is how i knew there was a God. /this year began with my abstract being accepted to a conference and ended with me winning best speaker
may: i survived HO-ship!! *amazed*

june: this is probably the most difficult thing ive done in my entire life, no kidding.
july: He sends little cute kids to give me raisins or drawings or to play around my chair as i print their meds and say they want to be like doctorjiejie (HAHA if only they knew)
aug: such relief when the kid highfives me and runs out of the room. knowing there's unlikely anything lifethreatening im missin there huh.

sept: many days, i end up monologuing (as God sometimes seems very faaaar away and high up) "God, i think i'm coming to the end of my ropes. i think this is as far as my engines were engineered to go. i dont think i can run this race any longer. this is as much as i go."
oct: the other day a baby had ga through the foot plug i set (!!) amazed.
nov: "if you put God first & rely on him, everything will fall into place, not in your timing, but in God's timing". / me, who never gets anything until at least the THIRD TRY, actually passed an exam on the first go. thank you God!!!
dec: "For this reason I bow my knees before the Father. Eph 3:14" I just pray that between now & whenever it is that I finally find my answers to this season in life, or my miracles that I keep on holding out for, that we have peace in our hearts & never lose our God.
hello world, it's been a really crazy and action packed year. with the main theme of TURNING BABY MO. started off with assisting in surgeries & running clinics in gs, moved on to running to c sections & assisting c sections (thereby thoroughly satisfying my pre-med sch ambitions to be a surgeon LOL.) moved house, took & passed exams (THANK YOU GOD!). won debates. fulfilled my lifelong dream of doing ce. finally became a paeds mo and SURVIVED ALL MY PAEDS CALLS! sedated numerous people, the last notably at ONE AM LAST NIGHT. watched many bmas. had my last (full) paeds call ytd night. we will see next year where God calls me to :) ? back to paeds?

i think i did fulfil my main resolution of 2015. i really tried with each starfish :)

resolutions/ goals for 2016
1. always do the right thing. and to have the courage to ask if i dont know (i think this will be easier in ce as seniors are always around! as opposed to sitting in the ward at 2am weighing the options to call the reg or not haha)
2. to -attempt- to bring happiness& joy to others.
3. to gym or run err... one time per week at least. hahah
4. to plan loads of awesome hols with loved ones
5. to find out what i want to do with my life. and what God wants me to do with my life. and hopefully both are somewhat in the same general direction
6. operation smile
7. to try a trialathon!

Jesus said `I am the door; if any one enters by me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture'. Jn 10:9
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end: they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-24
We may not be able to see far ahead, but we may be sure that he has planned the way for us, for 'we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them' (Eph 2:10).


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...