sometimes it seems like you havent run for a long time coz it's been too hazy out there
& even when you want to put on your shoes & start again, the activation energy's too much to overcome
sometimes it seems like no matter how you try, you keep sliding down this slippery slope & time keeps turning back to yrs ago. you KNOW you should be a better version of yourself but suddenly you find yourself right back where it all started.
"You're Not Alone"
Some days I barely hold on
When life drags me down
I wanna let go
But when my spirit is weak
You come to my aid
And strengthen my soul
I’m lost without You
I’ll never doubt You
Your grace is beyond compare
And though when it rains, it pours
You know all I have is Yours
You smile when you hear my prayer
You rescued me and I believe
That God is love and He is all I need
From this day forth for all eternity
I’ll never wander on my own
For I am Yours until you call me home
I close my eyes and I can hear You say
You’re not alone!
Some days I just can’t go on
I stumble and fall
And I hang my head
But You reach out for my hand
And You lift me up
Again and again
Oh, yes, You do
Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe
That You gave me the stars, put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe
that there are too many times in my life when it could have gone either way, when i got things i may not have deserved all that much. one way is to think that i scraped through when i didn't deserve those things (actually true HAHA), but the other way that i know is true is that there i would have gone but for the grace of God. so it isn't so much that i am inadequate so much as... He saw something in me worth saving.
i really do not know where life is leading me. but i can see a hundred things to improve in myself between now & forever. so i'm going to work on those things. i can't change others, but i can change myself. i know that whatever happens, at the very least, i can definitely do God's work with my life. so whatever happens, it doesn't really matter, it's not going to change the Plan.
thank you God for saving me all those yrs ago, although i was quick to anger & thoroughly uncharitable, thank you for helping me to somehow see through the fog & make the selfless choice (was it even really a choice...). thank you for showing me that the selfless choice is always the best even if sometimes its all a bit of coercion. thank you for the small bits of happy surprises along the way. although the way ahead is so murky i can't see beyond my hand, i trust that as long as i do what is right, you will show me the way. just help me with the doing what is right part, coz sometimes that's the hardest part. i guess i am asking if you could save me again, just this one more time. remember my childish faith all those years ago? somehow i always believed you would come through this one last time as you have always done.
it's ok if it's not in your plan for me, i totally understand. i learnt a lot about life, responsibility & medicine from the last few months. i lived out the jobs of my dreams quite literally. although i wasn't always very good at it, at least i was doing something i loved doing & thought you called me to do. and the parts where people told me i was good at it & had a knack for it and sought me out to help them with their projects, i think i thought i was dreaming it. i also really liked running to resus. i really loved it although i am soooo slow at dealing with resus cases.
i understand that this goes way beyond simply a child's request; this is now real life & no longer child's play. if it's not within my capability, then i think i dont want the great responsibility either. but if you think i can do it, then i'm up for it :)
ps: thank you for the gift of improving my plug setting. very very much appreciated. like my last call when they called me in the middle of the day to set a plug for a baby's dmsa scan coz the sister couldnt get it -_- i got it on my last try and hence escaped having to call the reg. literally thank you God.
"All You've Ever Wanted" - casting crowns
I just looked up today
And realized how far away I am from where You are
Lord, I know I let You down
But somehow, I will make You proud
I'll turn this sinking ship around
And make it back to You
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