just plugging away, one plug at a time
been philosophizing a lot abt what it means to be a good doctor & unfortunately it just takes time & practice & experience. it does get a little easier bearing the slight increase in responsibility.
camaraderie is really such a nice thing i must say. something that i always worried abt but has never been in short supply in the 1.5 yrs ive been working. something to be thankful for :) i remember back then vaguely worrying that i wouldnt know what to do on my first day of being a doctor and not knowing anyone hence compounding the blurness. well 1.5 yrs ago (and now) i'm still blur and noob but luckily i have always felt pretty much in my comfort zone thanks to all the sip and everything. maybe the least comfort zone was in ce when i just started my mo-ship HAHA. but even then there was feli and mich for the new noob mos support group heh. so thank God for that, at least.
taking the exam was actually something really nice, except when i stared at the qns for 1b. everything else was fun. maybe becos for a week, i thoroughly entertained the thought that i might possibly be allowed to study this for life, that finally i could do what i really love. who knows if i'll pass. as time passes by, my levels of ennui and zen-ness increase exponentially. ok maybe those are mutually exclusive things. it's just so HARD to do the right thing all the time & be a thousand places all at once. im a marathon runner not a sprinter sadly.
but this ocd training is really doing me good. nowadays when i clerk pts, even if its just a kid coming in for an infusion, i find myself going thru the old notes to trace back how they were diagnosed, etc. automatically pulling up the bristol stool chart for every kid with abdo pain people had previously put down to 'constipation colic', charting heights & weights and bp 99th centiles. recalculating all antibiotic doses. good habits :)
i think i just need to trust. that God isn't leading me down a rabbit hole into wonderland. that if he put this dream into my heart, that it's for a reason. a lot of it sometimes comes from confidence. yeah misplaced confidence isnt good either (but we all have to learn & i am learning from all this!). i really like it when the reg discusses with us the mx, or makes us defend our decisions or list out the pros and cons. coz sometimes it really can go either way like to culture & cover? or to wait it out? but some things really involve a thought process & discussing it makes it more sensible & defensible.