Saturday, October 31, 2015

before the morning

1st November 2015: On God's Guidance

Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:3-4 (AV)
One of the most perplexing problems that Christians have to face is to know which way to go, which door to enter, which choice to make out of several possibilities.
It may concern the big decisions in life, personal or professional, such as marriage, or the next job, or the next exam, or it may be one of the more ordinary and humdrum routine matters. We want to do the right thing, and choose the right course... but how to find it -- that's the question.
Start with God. Commit your way honestly to him, and you can be absolutely certain that he will bring `it' to pass, whatever your 'it' may be.
Then, consider all the circumstance in the light of what you know about God -- his character, his supreme knowledge, his love and concern for you personally. Bring the possible choices to this touchstone. Our own desires and personal preferences may be helpful, or they can be positively misleading. Be open and honest.
Then, try to discover if there is any test in scripture, and passage or incident that throws light on the pathway.
Listen to experienced Christian friends, who can proffer helpful advice, if they are understanding and honest, and are not afraid to tell you the truth.
Then pray in words like these --
O my God, I gladly confess that you know everything, and that you
have a plan for me and my life. I now deliberately ask for your
guidance in respect of... I honestly want to do your will, and I
acknowledge that your will for me is best and is what I ought to
do. Help me to choose, for your sake and the sake of others.
And when later on you look back on the increasingly numerous experiences of his guidance, all the `coincidences' that have happened to you, you will be able to say `I being in the way, the Lord led me' (Gn 24:27 AV).
maybe, just maybe, God actually does have a plan for me. 

three years ago i really did believe that with all my heart. that no matter the odds, somehow God would work a miracle for me. i dont know why & how i had such a strong conviction. three years on, i DO know, quite well actually, what being a doctor actually entails. comms stations are often actually less scary than the actual situation. my junior d was regaling us of tales of her post call real life comms nightmares which literally made us nearly fall off the chair with laughter. its the kinda thing you dont know if you shld laugh or cry so you just end up laughing. 

i think i still do believe that there is A plan, even if i have no idea what it is. i guess you could call it childish conviction tempered very significantly with ennui and world-wearyness. 

was walking up the steps to the interview, remembering all the times i had walked these stairs, up & down, before debates feeling i was going to be lynched or egged (and furthermore in a white dress...), and after in our triumph. all the times i had gone for this very same interview before. i guess you could say i felt a bit sian like the dude who keeps rolling the stone up the hill daily and then the stone rolls down again at nightfall

then i suddenly remembered that just a few days before, we had been all bumming in the mo room when completely out of the blue, my mentor had popped in to discuss future research prospects with me. it was really almost like the day with m when we were walking in the dark and suddenly we saw the campfire light at the end of the pathway

ive been running this marathon for the longest time, ive hit the wall more times than i can count. everytime i start a new posting with all its attendant new quirks & systems to relearn, it really feels like even tho my signature is that i never stop running, i just can't go on anymore. but somehow day by day, i am becoming a better doctor, which for me is really half the battle. a neverending battle, the true one fought daily. 

the exact details, i leave it to God. but i thank him for the last minute spurt of encouragement which i had not anticipated at all, it could only have come from Him :) 

now for a new and busier ward after a month of chilling. oh dear. i hope we all survive this. 

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