Friday, September 18, 2015

on mulberries

in the past two weeks, a lot of people have given me advice on how to step into the new role of being an mo in the wards. its actually pretty different having to supervise others compared to doing ce where it's a lot about managing your own efficiency so you dont go home hours after the end of your shift. what struck me about the advice is that when i look into these people's eyes, i can see kindness and that they genuinely mean well. that this is really valuable advice that i should listen well to. 

i have done 2 calls, and luckily enough, both times the regs were nice and they well knew how new i was (considering that they actually knew me from when i was a ho/ medical student). the nurses remember me too! they were like "eh, first call as mo ah, what's it like?" 

the difference as an mo is that you dont get called continuously for things like puff reviews and changing paracetamol doses, so you have more time to think of the big picture, go round tracing bloods, think of the differential diagnoses, and stuff.

guess i just want to thank God for helping me survive (however barely) through this new season of responsibilities. and for what i'm learning through all this. i'm also very grateful for the ce training. (as for the three months of blood taking practice and plug setting practice in o&g). i think its very hard to understand the pressures & circumstances of a&e or ce unless you've worked there before, then you'll get a really good idea wahaha. it does make one faster and more efficient, and think really broadly of differentials. although, there are a lot of URTIs and viral fevers as well HAHA, i also saw some really interesting cases as well.

i'm well aware that not only am i still very noob, i have quite a few flaws and areas of lacking, that i'm not sure how will i ever overcome, if ever. many days, i end up monologuing (as God sometimes seems very faaaar away and high up) "God, i think i'm coming to the end of my ropes. i think this is as far as my engines were engineered to go. i dont think i can run this race any longer. this is as much as i go. i should turn back now, before the path leads me somewhere to a wilderness i can no longer turn back from. i should stop before any natural disasters ambush me, or my water & provisions run out"

ok maybe not so eloquently. usually i just think "i think this is as far as i go" but then it's always back to the hamster wheel of things to do, not much time for philosophizing.

maybe let's rewind back to the sunday before my first call. i went to church feeling more than slightly desperate and more jittery than a mouse who had overdosed on a starbucks grande size. asked the priest for his blessings (need all the help i can get). and interestingly enough, his prayers echoed the one which i pray all the time. "help her to do Your will".

as the years go by, my ambition (not very much to begin with) has been waning severely. the first few years, i'll admit that i very strongly believed that even though i did not deserve it, a miracle would occur and that i would get it. yes, i said that i would be ok even if i didn't get it because i would then know that it was God's will, but truth be told, deep down i didn't believe that. deep down i just wanted my happy ending and my trophy for running the race. when i didnt get that, i was really dissappointed. knowing that it's God's will didnt exactly sweeten anything. it was such a bitter pill to swallow.

this time, i really do mean it when i say that i do want to follow God's will. i mean yeah, i've paid for exams and spent so much of my lifetime pursuing this path. but i really am truly am okay any way, as long as it's where God is leading me to. i don't want to go down any path without's God's support. especially when He has helped me so much in the past, the thought of any venture without my main backer to lift me out of trouble and to save me, is thoroughly terrifying.

paths aside, i think that there is very much for me to learn from this season of my life. to thoroughly check through everything, and not to leave any stone unturned. you dont need to be a genius or anything to check through everything (altho maybe some efficiency is required since you cant come at 3am to start looking thru old notes...). first impressions... well to be honest, i think that's not really something i can control per se, i mean i can TRY but impressions are something very transient and not really rooted in reality is what i feel. i can try to improve that and i WILL try, of course. i believe more in running the race well rather than starting out too fast, actually.

but in any case, whatever path God leads me to, i think being thorough, checking everything, thinking broadly as well as thinking through things (as opposed to blindly copying the a&e notes as we do as hos), these are all habits that will serve me well in the future :)

so i will keep on running for as long as i can, hopefully not always on the same spot as alice did in wonderland, but hopefully forward. hopefully on the right paths and not getting tempted to side dirtroads by promises of shortcuts, of brownies & waffles and getting caught in brambles instead.

and on a short note, i may still be a bit slow at procedures but i am MUCH better than i was as a ho. so for tt, i am grateful to God for somehow helping me with the blood taking. honestly i think that alone is the best gift ever.
Your dimensions as a tree in the garden of God may look different from other trees, perhaps conspicuously so. But there are purposes in your dimensions (Romans 8:28). They will have unforeseen benefits, and you will still bear fruit as you trust your gardener (John 15:15). You also will have a unique ability to comfort those who are struggling against their mulberries (2 Corinthians 1:3–4).

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:29–31)

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