31st October 2015: What if...?
When he noticed the strong wind he was afraid and started to sink. Matthew 14:30 (GNB)
Some doubts are healthy. They show that we recognise our own fallibility and inexperience. As housejobs progress the doubts do not alter in frequency, merely in nature. I no longer worry about how to arrange a special investigation, or whether I shall sleep through my bleep! The doubts which assail me now when I am tired, perhaps after a weekend on call, are far from healthy; rather they disturb my peace of mind and wear down my defences against self-pity. If I succumb to these doubts, they only breed more.
There are the `what its...?' that are always related to my career or capabilities: what if I don't get that rotation? what it I fail this exam? what if I have to go on moving every six months or so? what if I never get married?
Since I have no way of knowing or influencing what the future holds, such worries and doubts are fruitless. At the very least I could adopt a fatalistic point of view. But the Christian serves a Master who is deeply interested in his people, and who has the power to guide and control the lives of men.
Peter did not falter when his thoughts were taken up with Jesus and with the task in hand. But when he noticed the strong wind, his trust in Jesus' ability to sustain what he had begun wavered, and Peter began to sink. Unless worries, the `what ifs' of life, have this characteristic, they assail me when I stop concentrating on the job in hand, my current post for which I have been called and equipped, and start to look around.
Recognising a `what if?' is halfway to dealing with it, and saves expending energy on it. I am learning when to expect them and so am beginning to dismiss them. Anyway, I can seldom remember in the morning what I spent wakeful hours worrying about the previous night.
received a lovely email this morning. i do love ce so much. its funny how when i first started i was so blur and slow and so depressed that after the night shifts with strict consultants or after being (rightly) rebuked for my slowness that i sort of gave up all thoughts of really specializing in paeds for the first time, in fact i thought if i could pass the posting that would be more than enough. and indeed i survived the posting!
after that i figured if i could survive ce, i could survive anything.
fast foward to a wholee new challenge in the wards. sigh. but ANYWAY i'm survivin. kind of. and learning a lot! and i love meeting the ce nurses in the wards when they handover pts to the ward nurses. ce nurse "so this is a x yo boy, coming for... OH! you're here in the wards!! when are you coming back to ce??"
as time goes by, i'm gradually realizing what God is calling me to do. and i'm gaining experience that will ultimately help me to do that, bit by bit :) hint, it doesnt involve loads of gleaming titles or awards or pandering to private pts with urtis. it involves what i came to med sch to do in the first place (no not paeds neurosurgery...), why i was so willing to give up what seemed like everything and fly on a plane by myself (well with jay) to a faraway land. and also a bookstore which i loved which has now closed forever. God willing, with acceptance of the relevant people and if one day i somehow accquire the skills and capabilities, i know i will go where He calls me. til then, just gotta continue with the urtis & jump thru these neverending hoops of fire.
"You're Not Alone"