Saturday, June 13, 2015

Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?

so i traced back (using the label 'happiness'), and on april 20 2013, i wrote the following:
"brilliant day involving a ce shift in the day & combat at night :):) was so incredibly happy. i think i might wanna do ce next time maybe??! today i fell in love with emed again. emed drs are like lit teachers. i remember staring at them as they discussed poetry with starry eyes. they just seem SO COOL and you just feel you can never be as awesome. they have this cowboyish thing going on, which i admire ++.
and i got to see t&s, and oh the highlight that makes me still giggle a little is the reg trying entonox on himself HAHA he was like "hmm i wonder if this will make me high *chuckles*.... nah, not much effect".btw that dr was really so nice! poor thing though at one point he deeply sighed and wondered what he cld do to possibly get home in time to have dinner at his own house. and he was like so upset that he kept having to tell the pt "just one more pt and it's ur turn" for the procedure. it actually highlighted to me that sometimes we might feel we're really burnt out and stuff but yet we are actually still awesome, humane human beings.
sometimes you just get really inspired by lights at the end of the tunnel randomly. little kids grabbing my steth and listening to their own heart. that kid is really too cute. the way he looked up at me when i held his hand to walk him for the neuro exam!! cutenesss overload"

ahaha such happy and innocent times, with ZERO responsibility. i do remember that day quite well, dr a is still very nice (despite my ineptitude), i did have a very happy day and the boy w transient synovitis was very cute. and this is clearly the basis for my starry-eyed enthusiasm pre-posting. its is indeed different when you're wondering at night if all the kids you discharged with urtis are fine and if you truly did the right thing. ie when you have pretty much sole responsibility. there were some duke students following on shift today, i hope they had as happy and inspiring a day as i had that magical day. we all need some magic in our lives. 

i still do like emed and stuff, just that i need a lot a lot of grace from God to overcome the inertia and activation energy to transform me from to a sprinter. on the bright side, i feel much more comfortable managing conditions now, and the guidelines are becoming more easily accessible from my brain (as opposed to frantically flipping the book surrepitiously). on the dark side, well, i dont think i will go there, except that the dark side has COOKIES, and TEA-TIME. nuff said. haha. at least my patients the past few days have all liked me and happily waved bye as they went home/ went up for adm, more or less. and i must thank the two kids who gave me very small and cute tokens. to them, its just a picture or a box of raisins. to me, it could be the only thing that got me through a difficult day. those kids probably didnt think twice after they left about how much happiness that small gift could have given someone. its quite funny actually since i believe i entered med to give happiness from people not vice versa... hah. on that note it must REALLY be experienced to be understood how cute it is to have a small kid toddle up to you and give you a present. hehe. 

Lord, don’t let me follow my heart. Instead, You lead my heart to do Your will.

it's just that, at this particular point in my life, i feel that God is telling me NOT TO GIVE UP.  i think not giving up is always a good thing. i dont have to be the BEST or most perfect, i just have to be competent & last the longest. i've never given up halfway through any race. i mean, i haven't won any running races either. LOL. but that doesn't stop me from training, trying to beat my personal best times each time, and entering races. sometimes there are races i sign up for and dont go for because im on call that day or something. that can't be helped. sometimes there are races the coach doesnt sign me up for like the national schools or something, for obvious reasons. but we all have our own races to run nevertheless. 

i genuinely believe after much contemplation that God WANTS me to overcome my flaws and survive all these morning circuses

this really spoke to me: 
That’s why seven times between Deuteronomy chapter 31 and Joshua chapter one, either God or Moses commanded Joshua to be “strong and courageous.” Joshua felt fear and was tempted to doubt his ability to accomplish this task. So God said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lᴏʀᴅ your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). But to pursue this freedom, we must allow Jesus to ask us the question that he asked his disciples after he calmed the deadly storm: “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” (Mark 4:40).

so that's my answer. "have i not commanded you? be strong and courageous" i will keep on fighting. :) 

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