Sunday, June 7, 2015


this is probably the most difficult thing ive done in my entire life, no kidding. there are always some things in life that you just have to overcome the activatonal energy & this is one of them. one of those things that it makes you stronger provided it doesnt kill you first - as per my fav hemingway quote

The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.” 
but indeed it's a very special experience that i wouldnt have traded for any other. even though it preys on some of my more deepset insecurities of irresponsibility, incapability and such that i hadnt actually felt for the longest time, and although i would really prefer to be a paragon of PERFECTION (especially if we're talking about something i love and dreamed of doing and was v excited and happy at the prospect of actually doing), it occured to me that everything in life happens for a reason. maybe this is meant to encourage me to do something else with my life, or maybe this is meant to make me work harder? i dont really have the answers, but i'll work harder & better anyway. i guess it can't hurt much to be a better doctor in general.

funny how 1.5 years ago i thought i heard in a fevered dream not to open a certain door, so i purposely closed that door; now in similarly fevered dreams i thought i heard that maybe it's time to try that door again..? lesson learnt, dont listen to anything you dream when having pathogen-induced fevers. whether the fevers be bacterial or viral!! d would be so horrified if he knew i was planning my lifepath via this mthd instead of by merely being virtuous & good haha.

anyway, dark tea times of the soul are good (provided you dont fall into the abyss of the tea). it means happier times & hopefully miracles are otw! had a really nice catchup ytd. and thankful for friends that willingly let themselves be dragged to hippy cafes ahaah thanks for everything man. God really does put people in my life for good reasons :)

meanwhile i will run this race til the finish line, at least til the finish line i have set. beyond that, we shall see.

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