Monday, June 22, 2015


random compliment brightening up my day after a rather tiring night shift. i mean all night shifts are tiring/ all shifts are tiring but this was more so than the past 1 mth of lovely june hols

the other day at 7-11 for either preshift or postshift chocolate i saw a bundle of straws and the first word that popped into my mind was "clutching at" LOL

the very kind pt's parent who was asking me what time my shift ends and telling me not to go home too late (!) 

Sunday, June 21, 2015

emergency room

this is really beautiful

i think wanderlust and escapism is not WRONG. as long as you know what is right.

oh who am i kiddin. as long as all my pts survive and wave bye to me happily, that's all i really care about. i am definitely not naive or idealistic anymore, oh no.

we sleep & wake up, interminable days & nights leaking into each other like a soaked watercolor painting, getting more comfortable with blurred lines, blurred vision, making people's eyes glow in the dark.


"No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes are in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present to us: it is the very sign of His presence."

— C.S. Lewis 

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?

so i traced back (using the label 'happiness'), and on april 20 2013, i wrote the following:
"brilliant day involving a ce shift in the day & combat at night :):) was so incredibly happy. i think i might wanna do ce next time maybe??! today i fell in love with emed again. emed drs are like lit teachers. i remember staring at them as they discussed poetry with starry eyes. they just seem SO COOL and you just feel you can never be as awesome. they have this cowboyish thing going on, which i admire ++.
and i got to see t&s, and oh the highlight that makes me still giggle a little is the reg trying entonox on himself HAHA he was like "hmm i wonder if this will make me high *chuckles*.... nah, not much effect".btw that dr was really so nice! poor thing though at one point he deeply sighed and wondered what he cld do to possibly get home in time to have dinner at his own house. and he was like so upset that he kept having to tell the pt "just one more pt and it's ur turn" for the procedure. it actually highlighted to me that sometimes we might feel we're really burnt out and stuff but yet we are actually still awesome, humane human beings.
sometimes you just get really inspired by lights at the end of the tunnel randomly. little kids grabbing my steth and listening to their own heart. that kid is really too cute. the way he looked up at me when i held his hand to walk him for the neuro exam!! cutenesss overload"

ahaha such happy and innocent times, with ZERO responsibility. i do remember that day quite well, dr a is still very nice (despite my ineptitude), i did have a very happy day and the boy w transient synovitis was very cute. and this is clearly the basis for my starry-eyed enthusiasm pre-posting. its is indeed different when you're wondering at night if all the kids you discharged with urtis are fine and if you truly did the right thing. ie when you have pretty much sole responsibility. there were some duke students following on shift today, i hope they had as happy and inspiring a day as i had that magical day. we all need some magic in our lives. 

i still do like emed and stuff, just that i need a lot a lot of grace from God to overcome the inertia and activation energy to transform me from to a sprinter. on the bright side, i feel much more comfortable managing conditions now, and the guidelines are becoming more easily accessible from my brain (as opposed to frantically flipping the book surrepitiously). on the dark side, well, i dont think i will go there, except that the dark side has COOKIES, and TEA-TIME. nuff said. haha. at least my patients the past few days have all liked me and happily waved bye as they went home/ went up for adm, more or less. and i must thank the two kids who gave me very small and cute tokens. to them, its just a picture or a box of raisins. to me, it could be the only thing that got me through a difficult day. those kids probably didnt think twice after they left about how much happiness that small gift could have given someone. its quite funny actually since i believe i entered med to give happiness from people not vice versa... hah. on that note it must REALLY be experienced to be understood how cute it is to have a small kid toddle up to you and give you a present. hehe. 

Lord, don’t let me follow my heart. Instead, You lead my heart to do Your will.

it's just that, at this particular point in my life, i feel that God is telling me NOT TO GIVE UP.  i think not giving up is always a good thing. i dont have to be the BEST or most perfect, i just have to be competent & last the longest. i've never given up halfway through any race. i mean, i haven't won any running races either. LOL. but that doesn't stop me from training, trying to beat my personal best times each time, and entering races. sometimes there are races i sign up for and dont go for because im on call that day or something. that can't be helped. sometimes there are races the coach doesnt sign me up for like the national schools or something, for obvious reasons. but we all have our own races to run nevertheless. 

i genuinely believe after much contemplation that God WANTS me to overcome my flaws and survive all these morning circuses

this really spoke to me: 
That’s why seven times between Deuteronomy chapter 31 and Joshua chapter one, either God or Moses commanded Joshua to be “strong and courageous.” Joshua felt fear and was tempted to doubt his ability to accomplish this task. So God said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lᴏʀᴅ your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). But to pursue this freedom, we must allow Jesus to ask us the question that he asked his disciples after he calmed the deadly storm: “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” (Mark 4:40).

so that's my answer. "have i not commanded you? be strong and courageous" i will keep on fighting. :) 

Sunday, June 7, 2015


this is probably the most difficult thing ive done in my entire life, no kidding. there are always some things in life that you just have to overcome the activatonal energy & this is one of them. one of those things that it makes you stronger provided it doesnt kill you first - as per my fav hemingway quote

The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.” 
but indeed it's a very special experience that i wouldnt have traded for any other. even though it preys on some of my more deepset insecurities of irresponsibility, incapability and such that i hadnt actually felt for the longest time, and although i would really prefer to be a paragon of PERFECTION (especially if we're talking about something i love and dreamed of doing and was v excited and happy at the prospect of actually doing), it occured to me that everything in life happens for a reason. maybe this is meant to encourage me to do something else with my life, or maybe this is meant to make me work harder? i dont really have the answers, but i'll work harder & better anyway. i guess it can't hurt much to be a better doctor in general.

funny how 1.5 years ago i thought i heard in a fevered dream not to open a certain door, so i purposely closed that door; now in similarly fevered dreams i thought i heard that maybe it's time to try that door again..? lesson learnt, dont listen to anything you dream when having pathogen-induced fevers. whether the fevers be bacterial or viral!! d would be so horrified if he knew i was planning my lifepath via this mthd instead of by merely being virtuous & good haha.

anyway, dark tea times of the soul are good (provided you dont fall into the abyss of the tea). it means happier times & hopefully miracles are otw! had a really nice catchup ytd. and thankful for friends that willingly let themselves be dragged to hippy cafes ahaah thanks for everything man. God really does put people in my life for good reasons :)

meanwhile i will run this race til the finish line, at least til the finish line i have set. beyond that, we shall see.


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...