Wednesday, March 11, 2015

just a feeling

even now, i dont know when my miracles will come. will it come when i am fully prepared, or not prepared, or when i am actually willing & prepared but dont know it? i hope it's the third one. sometimes i dont even know if it will come at all.

true, we think that the things we want are aligned with God's will. but humans are farr from omnipotent and half the things we want are actually what we want. i can come up with a whole long list of things i want - places i want to go eat/ travel/ all kinds of hedonism

then again, i think these kind of superficial things and deep desires deep down in the heart are different. travelling to a certain vineyard-filled country years ago taught me that just grasping for happiness or doing things that you -think- will bring you happiness doesnt exactly guarantee it. i mean i loved the vineyards and for some reason it was my lifelong wish to see vineyards. but after i came back and sat in my room looking out over the rooftops i realised that such temporary things are just that - adornments, garnishings on the main dish. that was the beginning of how i learnt that sacrifice, doing things you dont want to do, can actually lead to lasting happiness (like many ensuing happy yrs of med sch), while temporary things to fill you up actually dont. they just end up as empty calories and you have to run marathons to get rid of them lol. 

to be perfectly honest, i dont think that this is something superficial. nor do i think it is something non-essential. people keep telling me to do sth that can help many many people but yknow, it has to depend on your talents too. sigh. and someone has to do this right? and i just happen to love it. and true i dont know EVERYTHING about it right now but if i know anything i know that i have the capability to learn it. i think that any kind of work you'd be willing to spend nearly 24/7 doing is worth fighting for, if you love it that much

thinking back on all the other miracles tryin to figure out what was it that made God give them to me, after a long while, i figured out that it doesnt have much to do with what kinda state of emotions i was in then that made good things start to happen. i dont think i was particularly good or kind either since i can think of a hundred things i did wrongly.  i guess that's what it means for God to save. its not really about what you did right or wrong, he just saves you

fastforward to now, twice now ive thought that i should just leave it all to God & accept whatever he gives me. i still think that's totally the right attitude. even if one doesnt agree or accept with the outcomes, that's still the right attitude. the eventual outcome doesnt make the attitude right or wrong. i think the reaction to the outcomes however is v telling abt what one really wants. and sometimes when you really want something its up to you to go for it and try. if after failing twice you give up and do something else then maybe it wasnt meant to be. if you fight till the end and have an honorable try at it then it isnt so bad. and i can think of a hundred other cool things to do with my life so it ain't so bad. but like i decided, i'm gonna go all the way. yup i'm going to leave it to God since i obviously dont have the power to pull off last minute miracles but he has a history of doing it for me haha. but im also going to do all i can. & i know that being human means that there will be parts where i make mistakes or just dont have the energy to run anymore, that's where God comes in. so that's my approach, the third time. 

and now i should reaally get on with the research, haha.  

ending off with a literally perfect youtube vid of taeyang :) 

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