Monday, March 30, 2015


"I Still Believe"

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

in the end no matter how we run we cant run away from ourselves. this IS my true nature, that i'll veer back towards if not constantly unchecked. yknow. entropy. i can only do extra to make up for my own limitations. but its precisely because of this overcompensation that makes me a better person/ doctor. im glad for that cos its only the bits of going the extra mile that makes me feel fulfilled. i guess this penchant for going the extra mile thing may have something to do with being someone who runs marathons for fun ;p 

i think what i want to believe in is not that i will get something i dont deserve, or that i will have to wait expectantly without action either. i want to believe that whatever it is, i'll try my best and eventually unexpectedly surpass what i thought i could do. not by my strength, but God's. not just as a one-off miracle, but that after he has brought me to it, to bring me through it as well. & i think that the brief reminder of my human irresponsibility taught me many lessons (if i survive this. LOL). 

happy stuff - the other day i abged out 50 mls of bld for one of my fav pts & my fellow ho was like "wow that was amazing!" lol.  and on friday we went to help another ho hids up for his ward and today he gave me m&ms as thanks yay chocolate! the best thing was the pts i hidsed up landed in my ward on a monday and i ended up presenting her repeatedly to each new wave of people who came in to round. quite odd actually since this posting is not really one for hos to present the cases but somehow today they wanted..? so i kept trying to slip away surrepitiously to arrange a c section but everytime i picked up the phone to call anes someone would come in and start rounding. 

i think the biggest gift of all is that of hope. not the expectant waiting kind of hope. the kind of hope that makes you pick up your pen and start planning how to get from point a to b

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