Tuesday, March 31, 2015

on waiting

- random piece of inspiration from tumblr haha

"Our God is so loving, so merciful, so faithful. Even when we become too discouraged to believe, God does not forget what He promised. Maybe you feel discouraged today. Maybe your life hasn’t turned out the way you had hoped. Maybe you prayed, believed and worked hard, and it didn’t work out. Now you’re thinking, “Hey, I’m never going to be happy again.  I’ll never accomplish my dreams.”
Remember today, not only does God remember you, He remembers the promise He placed within you. He knows what He’s destined you to do. You may have already said, “Forget it; it’s never going to happen.” The good news is that you don’t have the final say. God has the final say, and He says, “What I started in your life, I’m going to finish.” That dream you gave up on, God didn’t give up on. He remembers you, and He is with you, leading you and guiding you to the place of victory."

Monday, March 30, 2015


"I Still Believe"

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

in the end no matter how we run we cant run away from ourselves. this IS my true nature, that i'll veer back towards if not constantly unchecked. yknow. entropy. i can only do extra to make up for my own limitations. but its precisely because of this overcompensation that makes me a better person/ doctor. im glad for that cos its only the bits of going the extra mile that makes me feel fulfilled. i guess this penchant for going the extra mile thing may have something to do with being someone who runs marathons for fun ;p 

i think what i want to believe in is not that i will get something i dont deserve, or that i will have to wait expectantly without action either. i want to believe that whatever it is, i'll try my best and eventually unexpectedly surpass what i thought i could do. not by my strength, but God's. not just as a one-off miracle, but that after he has brought me to it, to bring me through it as well. & i think that the brief reminder of my human irresponsibility taught me many lessons (if i survive this. LOL). 

happy stuff - the other day i abged out 50 mls of bld for one of my fav pts & my fellow ho was like "wow that was amazing!" lol.  and on friday we went to help another ho hids up for his ward and today he gave me m&ms as thanks yay chocolate! the best thing was the pts i hidsed up landed in my ward on a monday and i ended up presenting her repeatedly to each new wave of people who came in to round. quite odd actually since this posting is not really one for hos to present the cases but somehow today they wanted..? so i kept trying to slip away surrepitiously to arrange a c section but everytime i picked up the phone to call anes someone would come in and start rounding. 

i think the biggest gift of all is that of hope. not the expectant waiting kind of hope. the kind of hope that makes you pick up your pen and start planning how to get from point a to b

Monday, March 23, 2015

"pray to God to help you overcome your temptations & weaknesses & pray that He will give you a sign"

wise words indeed :)

1.5 months more!!

Thursday, March 12, 2015


is not a BAD thing as long as you dont also miss the impt things in life.

oh yeah

my new wishlist
1. NORTHERN LIGHTS/ finland/ iceland
2. turkey
3. greece
4. switzerland
5. amsterdam
6. cinque terre
7. provence
8. taiwan
9. japan/ hokkaido/ okinawa

this should sustain me through many snatches of leave lol.

so currently the plan for my life is as such: spain in july, exam in oct, northern lights SOMEWHERE SOMEHOW in jan/feb next yr (i cant believe im planning a trip for 1 year in advance)

also i think i might want to be an aurora hunter. how cool does that sound.
realized that even now, nothing's changed. still chasing after bits of happiness, still wanderlusting. but the wanderlust in itself doesnt bring happiness per se does it? just a random 2am thought. praying that we'll figure out where to go, with who, and when, and for how long. or maybe should just stay put, not fly anywhere & workkk (clearly that isnt very efficient. as is evinced by this whole week. LOL).

very micro-cosmal progress is being made on the research front - yay?

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

just a feeling

even now, i dont know when my miracles will come. will it come when i am fully prepared, or not prepared, or when i am actually willing & prepared but dont know it? i hope it's the third one. sometimes i dont even know if it will come at all.

true, we think that the things we want are aligned with God's will. but humans are farr from omnipotent and half the things we want are actually what we want. i can come up with a whole long list of things i want - places i want to go eat/ travel/ all kinds of hedonism

then again, i think these kind of superficial things and deep desires deep down in the heart are different. travelling to a certain vineyard-filled country years ago taught me that just grasping for happiness or doing things that you -think- will bring you happiness doesnt exactly guarantee it. i mean i loved the vineyards and for some reason it was my lifelong wish to see vineyards. but after i came back and sat in my room looking out over the rooftops i realised that such temporary things are just that - adornments, garnishings on the main dish. that was the beginning of how i learnt that sacrifice, doing things you dont want to do, can actually lead to lasting happiness (like many ensuing happy yrs of med sch), while temporary things to fill you up actually dont. they just end up as empty calories and you have to run marathons to get rid of them lol. 

to be perfectly honest, i dont think that this is something superficial. nor do i think it is something non-essential. people keep telling me to do sth that can help many many people but yknow, it has to depend on your talents too. sigh. and someone has to do this right? and i just happen to love it. and true i dont know EVERYTHING about it right now but if i know anything i know that i have the capability to learn it. i think that any kind of work you'd be willing to spend nearly 24/7 doing is worth fighting for, if you love it that much

thinking back on all the other miracles tryin to figure out what was it that made God give them to me, after a long while, i figured out that it doesnt have much to do with what kinda state of emotions i was in then that made good things start to happen. i dont think i was particularly good or kind either since i can think of a hundred things i did wrongly.  i guess that's what it means for God to save. its not really about what you did right or wrong, he just saves you

fastforward to now, twice now ive thought that i should just leave it all to God & accept whatever he gives me. i still think that's totally the right attitude. even if one doesnt agree or accept with the outcomes, that's still the right attitude. the eventual outcome doesnt make the attitude right or wrong. i think the reaction to the outcomes however is v telling abt what one really wants. and sometimes when you really want something its up to you to go for it and try. if after failing twice you give up and do something else then maybe it wasnt meant to be. if you fight till the end and have an honorable try at it then it isnt so bad. and i can think of a hundred other cool things to do with my life so it ain't so bad. but like i decided, i'm gonna go all the way. yup i'm going to leave it to God since i obviously dont have the power to pull off last minute miracles but he has a history of doing it for me haha. but im also going to do all i can. & i know that being human means that there will be parts where i make mistakes or just dont have the energy to run anymore, that's where God comes in. so that's my approach, the third time. 

and now i should reaally get on with the research, haha.  

ending off with a literally perfect youtube vid of taeyang :) 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

10th March 2015: My Shepherd (3 cont'd)

He leads me beside still waters. Psalm 23:2
Clearly, each of us must discern what is our Shepherd-given task and do it with our might. Some have easier terrain to traverse than others, but we are never as trapped by circumstances as we imagine. The real question is whether he is in control, or whether a pattern has been set without further reference to him. It is essential that some regular time is found for reflection in his presence and rumination on his guidance if faith is to be fresh rather than formal. He may suggest delegation, better planning, even saying `No' to some cherished (or even charitable) activity, taken on without his blessing. If we do not make this time for him, he may have no choice but to make it for himself, even through crises of our own creation.
For some of our patients, an unwelcome period of lying down may be one when they start seeking spiritual guidance for the first time. If, from our own experience, we are sensitive to this possibility, we shall more readily tune in to their deeper needs and lead them toward the living water so essential now for our own survival. If instead we convey a sense of turbulence and roughness, with no inner tranquility, all our other activities on their behalf will leave them as harassed and helpless as before and with their healing incomplete. The choice is ours, and we take it each day. How we need the Shepherd's leading.

30th March 2015: Empathy

He had to be made like his brethren in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest... Hebrews 2:17
I used to think I was a fairly decent paediatrician -- providing sound medical care while helping patients and their families cope with both health and illness. But last week, my ability to understand parents increased by at least a degree of magnitude. My six-month-old son cried out for most of two nights. I tried all the clever tricks I knew, but to no avail. Whispering, talking, singing, bouncing, running, sitting, lying, walking -- none of my manipulations of his environment consoled him. My wife and I had frustrating and fitful sleep as we took turns with our son. Before, I had imagined what it must be like for parents to deal with a sick child. Now, I have some personal experience. Already, I've been able to deal with people with a new dimension of empathy.
The book of Hebrews instructs us to `consider Jesus'. As I consider his omniscience, I realise that he could imagine pretty well what life is like on earth. Yet he didn't settle for a carefully calculated understanding of the human condition. He chose to experience humanness, personally. He lived as we live. He faced limitation and hardship. He accepted emotional and physical fatigue and discomfort. And through it all, he became personally able to sympathise with our weakness and to deal empathetically with us.

But somehow incarnation, resurrection and propitiation all seem somewhat distant when I'm tired and frustrated in the middle of a sleepless night. That's where a third result of Jesus' fleshliness comes in. He has been through it all: he can sympathise with us: he can come to our aid. In the daily (and nightly) details of life, he can help us. He does understand. I need only with confidence to `draw near to the throne of grace...' (Heb 4:15-16).
Even as God gives me the best that Heaven can offer, I can provide for my patients the best of what medical science can offer. And as Jesus understandingly deals with me, so I can and should deal emphatically with my patients.

some space away from the world is sometimes good. although i am the epitomy of WANDERLUST, somehow i managed to curbb that and carve some time away to actually do the things i have to do. well. not exactly that i've even done 1% of all the things i've to do. haha. but time to think away from the detritus and the everyday craziness of labor ward is welcomed. ah labor ward. its something that i was actually terrified of (not to mention the prospect of doing night float there). way before even coming to med sch i had envied people who got to rush around delivering babies, etc. i guess it's all part of the public perception of what a dr means. so that's a large part of why i signed up for this (quite literally). fast forward to the daily craziness of calling anesthetists on my handphone. anesthesia mo "do you know what is epiphrine?" , of arranging STAT C SECTIONS. running to the ot to deliver ot chits has become like second nature to me now. i cant even count the number of times, in between dragging cows from room to room, i tell one of the nurses "wah this is really living life on the edge eh" and they will be like "ha. ha" and then two mins later: "dr new case to clerk. contractions every 5 mins. and need to set plug too". kinda fun on hindsight. lol. 


yearly dose of h2g2

somehow whenever im stuck in the longdark tea-time of research (as opposed to backpacking all over the world), h2g2 quotes never fail to cheer me up!
1. Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
2. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much — the wheel, New York, wars and so on — whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man — for precisely the same reasons.
3. The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the ‘Star Spangled Banner’, but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.
4. Not unnaturally, many elevators imbued with intelligence and precognition became terribly frustrated with the mindless business of going up and down, up and down, experimented briefly with the notion of going sideways, as a sort of existential protest, demanded participation in the decision-making process and finally took to squatting in basements sulking.
5. In the end, it was the Sunday afternoons he couldn’t cope with, and that terrible listlessness that starts to set in about 2:55, when you know you’ve taken all the baths that you can usefully take that day, that however hard you stare at any given paragraph in the newspaper you will never actually read it, or use the revolutionary new pruning technique it describes, and that as you stare at the clock the hands will move relentlessly on to four o’clock, and you will enter the long dark teatime of the soul.

Monday, March 9, 2015

place where you should be

the audience response is just about as awesome as the song! haha. really felt so happy for her that she came up from last place to first place! this is why i love this show, all the reversals

on another note: I SURVIVED NIGHT FLOAT. and i didnt have to call my mo a single time to help with plugs. NOT A SINGLE TIME. personal achievement. well i did have to butterfly out alot of the bloods on the last 2 days, think the exhaustion was kinda getting to me by then. but. SUCCESS in every single green plug i set on night float!! *amazed*

now time to enjoy glorious leave :) ie, doing NOTHING at all. life is good. :)


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...