Saturday, January 24, 2015

hide & seek

funny how what i thought i lost & missed so dearly actually wasnt mine to have. what consumed so much of my time & energy & heart is now something i dont miss at all. it did take some time but i can see clearly on hindsight that after the line was drawn in the sand, in the greater scheme of things it wasn't meant to be and wouldnt have worked out at all.

on the other hand, the bluebird that i was looking for but let go of for another elusive one in the bush, was actually the right one all along. no matter how and what and how the timing just isnt perfect no matter how we try... i really am grateful to God that the bluebird keeps coming back to me. moreso these days. i know i'm very lucky in that aspect, no matter what

i really do believe that as in everything in life, all those small & big prayers that i find answered (most actually many years after i had actually prayed the prayers), that if it is in His Plan then it will come to fruition. what i think is that the timing was just wrong & if that's really true, and if it is His Will then one day the right circumstances will occur. and we'll understand why. i'm going to go out on a limb one last time & trust in that. because each time i meet the bluebird it really feels like this is God's plan for me. who knows though. i dont trust these feelings anymore. haha.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

day 0

can't help but wonder whether i will be cold/ hungry/ lost LOL. 

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

perfect love

these say it better than i ever could

Friday, January 9, 2015

thinking out loud

20th January 2015: Day off that never was!

He said to them: `Come away by yourselves to a lonely place, and rest awhile!' For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. Mark 6:31
No leisure! How well we understand that phrase when so often we lose our half-day, or our plans for an evening out are spoiled by crises. But the Lord was watchful of his disciples' needs and arranged for them to have a day off. But read what happened (Mk 6:31-56)!
It seems that the only time that they had to themselves was during the row across the lake. The rest of the day was spent with the crowds who had pursued Jesus round the shore; and when the precious hours had gone, there were still 5,000 mouths to feed. Can you sense their disappointment and frustration? What was Jesus trying to teach them? Was it that brisk physical exercise could be reinvigorating? That being in a different environment was stimulating? That though they could not get away from finding work for him, his work is itself refreshing? That it was better to share what they had -- be it their precious free time or their iron rations -- than to keep it to themselves? That even though the day seemed to be ending in frustration and exhaustion, he was still able to dispel fear and fatigue? If these were the lessons he wanted to each them they seem to have missed the point: `they did not understand' (v52).
He is no less watchful of our needs than he was of theirs. He is interested in the amount of off-duty we have, and how we spend it. He understands the tiredness and the disappointments because he has experienced them himself. If things do not work out just as we have planned, it does not mean that he has forgotten or that his plans have gone wrong. As Lord of our lives he is Lord also of our leisure. He wants to share our off-duty as well as our days on call. He wants to show us that he can meet our need, and the need of others through us. He can still work miracles in his disciples' time off -- if they spend it with him.
Lord Jesus, please teach me how I ought to spend
my off-duty, whether alone or in a crowd, in activity
or in rest. And when I lose my leisure time through
no fault of my own, may I now your companionship,
your creativity and your renewal.
hahaha this is really cute. i like the part that says "what was Jesus trying to teach them? was it that brisk physical exercise could be invigorating?" LOL that sounds like calls or daily running from points A to B. 

maybe the message is that it's in the random sparks of humanity in between all this detritus that we find God. in the precious time off, or in the spending the precious time-off knowing you are sorting out patients (like last month). last month i didnt have much time off to be honestly. i was chronically sleepy and sometimes we exited at like 1130pm. but i still loved it somehow. 

i guess work is work no matter where one work & no matter the nature of work. even if the job can sometimes seem very trivial and unimportant, even if one is essentially doing clerical work that one feels is below one (btw i dont mean the usual ho work. i mean physically carrying files from point a to b. once is fine. everyday is er... not what i signed up for). 

what i do enjoy is making friends with patients and their families. like just talking kindly to people to reassure them of things & being able to convince them to go for investigations/ have blood taken. the other day on my way home i bumped into a relative of a patient i had seen on call, he waved to me and self-updated me on how things had progressed and thanked me for my help (!) haha twas nice. i didnt do much really except handing him back to the primary team next morning hahaha. yesterday i was reassuring some patient and her relative of something and feeling quite warm fuzzies as the aunty smiled benevolently at me... then suddenly her smiling daughter said "... oh and how old are you? 21?" LOL. 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

running ahead

31st December 2014: My Shepherd (13) -- Into the Fold

Jesus said `I am the door; if any one enters by me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture'. Jn 10:9

1st January 2014: New Leaf or New Life? New Year or new 'You'?

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end: they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-24
The New Year is traditionally regarded as a time for a new start, a herald of better things, the chance to turn over 'a new leaf'. For most of us it is not so much a question of how many and what resolutions we make, but how long any of them will last! The New Year is littered with shattered good intentions. At no time is the weakness and helplessness of our fallen human nature so revealed as on January lst.
Some of us may be starting the year with high hopes, laudable ambitions and exciting dreams, not only of professional success but of fruitful Christian service. Others perhaps face the New Year with foreboding. Maybe our cherished hopes have not materialised, we are disillusioned with our professional progress or with the quality of our spiritual lives; we can't see the way forward and there are seemingly insoluble problems in our circumstances or relationships.
But, thank God, the coming year depends not on our resolutions but on God's reliability, not on our moods and misgivings but on God's continuing mercies (La 3:22-25). He offers not merely help to turn over a new leaf, but the gift of a new life. God may not change our circumstances but he can and indeed is changing us into his likeness by his Spirit as he daily renews our inner nature (2 Cor 3:18; 4:16).
We may not be able to see far ahead, but we may be sure that he has planned the way for us, for 'we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them' (Eph 2:10).
But we have a part to play; we are commanded to 'put on the new nature, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness' (Eph 4:24), 'to be renewed in the spirit of your minds (Eph 4:23), 'to be transformed by the renewal of your mind' (Rom 12:2).

2nd January 2014: Pressed above Measure

'Then came a man called Jairus... and... knelt before him, pleading for his help... Jesus went off with him, followed by a large crowd jostling at his elbow. Among them was a woman who had had a haemorrhage for twelve years.' Mark 5:22-25 (JBP)
Interrupted on the way to one patient by the urgent need of another, incessantly distracted, constantly in demand, jostled, hampered, harassed, tired -- a description of my day? No, a day in the life of the Lord Jesus Christ. His response was willing, attentive, gracious, healing: in a word, loving. `This woman touched his cloak... At once, Jesus knew intuitively that power had gone out of him... But he said to her "Daughter, it is your faith that has healed you. Go... in peace and be free from your trouble."'
What is my response to similar pressure? Resentful, curt, irritable, hurtful -- loving myself more than my patients and more than my Lord? I forget that nothing happens to me without his consent. He has permitted each exasperating `phone call and every extra booking in the clinic. Each irritation is a chance for me to show his control, not my own lack of it.
My life should be so full of his Holy Spirit that when I am jostled, his love overflows and brings healing and calm. Too often, it is self-love which spills out and brings discord.

5th January 2014: Running Ahead

`Father,' Jesus said, `If you will, take this cup of suffering away from me. Not my will, however, but your will be done.' Luke 22:42 (GNB)
A blank wall, a closed door. All the plans and preparations had gone smoothly -- and then suddenly almost at the climax, and far too late to find an alternative, the way is blocked. Hopes are dashed, excitement drained, expectations unfulfilled. Why, Lord? You knew what was coming -- why did I get so far along the road before this happened?
I try to find another route -- and every way is barred: no way forward, no way around the obstacle. What am I meant to do now, Lord? Wait. There is no alternative now. At last, I am thrown back onto God. I have rushed ahead again -- frequently pausing to mention the overall idea to God, but never really asking him, or listening and waiting for his plan. Rather, I only ask for confirmation of my own plans -- please, God, this is what I'd like to do.
Every day I make decisions -- some I make alone, some after consulting others. As I learn more, I expect to assume more responsibility. This includes making increasingly far-reaching decisions and acting upon them alone. This is entirely right, and the path to professional maturity. In personal decisions too, including spiritual ones, I must aim at maturity.
Self-determination, however, is not the maturity I seek. To forget that I am not my own, and to do as I please, is not the way that Jesus took. Worse, having once given myself to God, to begin little by little to isolate from him decisions affecting my life, while deceiving myself that he is really still in charge, only leads to distancing myself from him. And so, the sudden shock of disappointment, and the awful realisation of the true state of things. I am glad of the pain too, though, for it reassures me of God's great love for me -- that he will not let me stray too far.

credits to the amazing:


i think this says it better than i could. if i'm a safe doctor and dont get irritated with people over the phone, that's 'nuff for me. these are the two hardest things in the world really. last passive call everyone who called me before 6 (i was caught up with clerking a random dude for my team) i said CALL PRIMARY TEAM and last 2 days when we blissfully ended early for once when called i said CALL PASSIVE. hahaha luckily the people involved are super nice & chill people. 

i dont think i'll ever forget this year. it's been really awesome, graduating and starting to work. having a lot of cool experiences like conferences, assisting in operations, watching cool surgeries, doing my first calls (the excitement very quickly turned into pre-call dreading, FAST), doing my first procedures like first time ever taking blood from kids, lumbar punctures, etc. its a little difficult to describe the sense of rising alarm as you're asked to do something for the first time ever and you just need to do it coz u have NO CHOICE, but then somehow you do it perfectly & its awesomee. intern diaries, the stuff of gray's anatomy which i so loved pre-med HAHA. it's been really lovely with lots of awesome friends and cameraderie, from mbbs mugging to getting to know batchmates better as we slog in the trenches to making new friends with fellow hos. as i was telling cheryl & f today in the mo room, i used to wonder what it would like working as a ho back home & if i would fit in (cos as we all know, one's fellow hos make a BIG difference to HO QOL haha). well actually like they said i'm a bit biased coz i also had so many yrs of pre-working life fitting into the system LOL. nevertheless its things like this where God somehow smoothens things out & things you were worried about somehow falls into place & makes sense that is literally heartwarming. 

random thoughts over... i now have to round. then CALL looms on the horizon. zomg zomg. on the bright side, STARBUCKS HAS COME. going to load up on lattes and chocolate pre-call wahaha


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...