About Me

Saturday, December 20, 2014

october rain/ with the heart to forget you

this is so beautiful

somehow everything is beginning to tie up & make sense. i dont think i'll ever do it to be honest. but in some alternate universe out there, i could have had, maybe perhaps. worked up the guts to follow my dreams all the way through. really grateful for this chance to see the light at the end of the hypothetical tunnel. although i was settlin stuff outside and didnt manage to go in til halfway, the fact that i actually ran to OT for once, and was so sad that coz i had to settle stuff outside i couldnt go in earlier. the fact that halfway through the op my MO turned to me and asked "are you happy?" and i nodded with shining eyes. never has that happened to me before in the actual real life working scenario of medicine. only pre-medicine when watching grays anatomy. 

in some alternate universe out there i have the capability to do what i told my reg the other day and work 20 hours coz if you're able to do what you love for 20 hrs that's an awesome thing. i would have the capability to do what i signed up for and do paediatric neurosurgery and spend months and months every year doing amazing lifesaving ops for doctors without borders. that's what i signed up for when i signed up for medicine really. 

in this real universe i can't suture, dont dare to suture tubes to skin, am constantly exhausted by 11pm home timings, and spend most of my time running to radiology to bed for scans and double-scheduling scans til i have to physically porter patients to where my reg wants them to go first. yep. and spending my weekends chatting with my favourite patients. oh well. it's not too bad really

somewhere along the many times and years i spent thinking about the applying for medicine thingy, at some point my vision changed from NEUROSURGEON and DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS to God i will do anything as long as i'm a doctor, wherever you send me i will go, i dont have to be an award-winning world famous neurosurgeon like ben carson (much as i admire him), any area of medicine that when it finally all ends, you can say to me 'i was hungry and you gave me food; i was thirsty and you give me drink. i was a stranger and you took me in... i was sick and you visited me' 

that's all. 
(& that's also why i feel so bad when pts ask after CTAPs CAN I EAT? and we all know that in gs its so much easier to just keep nbm. sigh. but at least on call its easy, at least plan nbm for that night is safe) 

and also... i think that everything that transpired was not a coincidence. 
~


October rain, the scent of damp wind
October pain, we who were hurt
I need healing, I need you
But it’s too late, it’s become late
It’s too late, the possibility of returning to how it was
has already become spilled water
The heart that you stole
I want to drive on the road of time,
running to the end of [our] memories
to heal myself
October wind, the memory of an obscured sky
October scene, the space* I kept you in
I need healing, I need you
The heart that you stole
I want to drive on the road of time,
running to the end of [our] memories
to heal myself
Take me back in time
I want to drive on the road of time,
running to the end of [our] memories
to heal myself
And I miss you, and I miss you, and I miss you

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