Thursday, October 16, 2014

to have what it takes

18th October 2014: To Have what it Takes

It is by grace you have been saved through faith -- and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:8 (NIV)
It is 3am and your `bleep' has gone off for the second time in half and hour. You could weep with fatigue, frustration and misery. The human frame is just not designed to cope with the circumstances of a junior hospital doctor. As you mechanically carry out the required task, longing for your bed and sleep, you wonder how you are supposed to survive -- as a person, as a member of a family, and as a Christian.
At times like this, we need to let the living and active word of God speak to our hearts, as it is given to do. This verse can help us. Our salvation does not depend one fraction of 1% on ourselves. It is totally, 100%, the work of God. Planned in eternity by the Father, accomplished completely on the Cross by the Son, who as our representative and substitute died bearing the just punishment for our sins, it is applied to our hearts by the Holy Spirit. Even the faith we exercise is the gift of God; we cannot produce it for ourselves.
So when our spiritual survival seems at stake because we are too tired to pray, too busy to study the scriptures, and too tied to the hospital to attend church meetings and worship, it is good to be reminded that we are saved by grace. Temporary interruptions in our co-operation in God's sanctifying work makes no difference to our justification. That is his work alone, and Christ has done it all for us. A man as well as God, he understands our fatigue and frustration, and says, `My grace is sufficient for you' (2 Cor 12:9). So in the midst of physical and mental exhaustion, let us rest in him and his never failing promises.

not sure where this person works haha coz my phone goes off like 30 times in 30 mins. but anyway. this sure speaks to me "you could weep with fatigue, frustration and misery". oh yeah. post call, running thru the decisions you made, realising all the wrong decisions that have been already carried out. 

i dont know if the hardest thing is living this life itself with all its responsibilities i cant fulfil, or the inability to be a good & kind person in the middle of all this inability to fulfil these responsibilities. like not feeling like teaching the medical students, or helping anyone or bothering to be nice to the nurses (luckily the 73 nurses are super nice and friendly anyways. and the ward clerk is always so friendly and chatty hahaha. one ward clerk once told me 'doctor please go and sit in the corner" such encouraging words). honestly if i were a fantastic Christian i would tirelessly help all my teammates, teach all the medical students, and be a paragon of good cheer and such. but this week, i'm not. i can't bring myself to be. sorry, i'm human and i just can't. maybe next week, maybe next month, some other time. and so i know i'm no saint & i'm not even a very good doctor or human being.

about _______, i dont think it was meant to be, somehow. its not just about timing, or circumstances, or people. it just literally wasnt meant to be. sometimes people walk into our lives for a reason, and sometimes not at all. like for instance, j is someone who had a huge impact on my life. for starters just being an awesome friend & buddy, and later being intrinsically linked with the greatest miracle of my life. i mean everytime i think back on the pivoting event, i always always go back to that day & somehow, after that, everything somehow fell into place. i mean techically if not for those specific turns of events, who would know what life would have turned out like? and c - he's quite right that its so nice to see a familiar friendly face around, now we're in the same block daily so its quite awesome too.

i dont know, ive just been thinking lately about missed boats. sometimes you untie the anchors from the port  & wave goodbye and sometimes the ships just sink so dramatically in typhoons. maybe the hurricane is from a few continents away and is totally unrelated but coz of the butterfly effect. its both related and totally unrelated. i wouldnt get too hung up on it coz its not something i wanted like SUPER ALOT, but it just feels weird, yknow? i mean, not that weird feelings are the MOST IMPT thing right now. sleep is honestly the most impt thing right now. and not that this kinda thing doesnt happen to me all the time. i've had my fair share of these things (thanks for all the fish guys), im pretty much immune to it LOL. i guess its just that i wish that human nature sometimes showed itself more... linearly in a fashion that one can predict? & that said i'm honestly not good at reading people at all. i think i tend to over-think and over-angst, specially when i'm angsty, which i totally am now. that's the thing about all these random hurricanes.

anyway, enough of the obtuseness. really grateful for the random sparks of brightness in my life. a whatsapping me about random cms things helping me to feel vaguely connected to God (and connecting me virtually to God via the cmg email group - yes however tangentially, it really helps!!), my patients relative (an anesthetist) who told me i was thorough. i am slightly sorry to say that since i spent today, the whole wk really in a fuzz going round & round in my mind about how inadequate, irresponsible and lousy i am, i let out a very surprised chuckle/chortle when she said that LOL but thank you Dr, you really really were the brightest spark of encouragement in my whole week (and mind you all i did is open up the computer system and follow her instructions exactly as she told me, hahaah), c for listening to my angst, j for the random cheering up in the ortho wards haha and for giving me the clr reg's number the other day. my mos who respond to my whatsapps very fast and save me, my old mos who i feel totally warm and fuzzy when i meet them along the corridors. they really are such awesome & genuine people.

if i survive tmr and get out alive, i would like next week to be better. both in terms of work, and being a better person. hah i wish. 

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