About Me

Saturday, October 25, 2014

thoughts

1) God really does work miracles, usually at the moment when we least expect them. awesome miracles & lots of chocolate. i will never forget this. No actually, i always forget, so then he sends someone with lots of chocolate.
2) I was wondering what's the reason for this all - now I know
3) Humans are not dependable, by nature of being... human. I also am human and not very dependable. Happiness is not found just in cheesecake, or in eggs benedict or brunch. Happiness is when you are having cheesecake/ brunch with people you love, with extremely hard-earned money from calls and general slavery. Happiness is realizing that your best birthday gift is God-given, when randomly inefficiently walking around in the hospital corridors. Sometimes being a doctor really does feel mostly like slavery. Like at night when you just cant run from patient to patient fast enough. Or you technically can do the physical running because God had the foresight to train you in long distance running, but if you jump from patient to patient, something gets compromised, so you need to settle things before moving on. And it definitely isn't a glamorous job at all (sighhh thanks grays anatomy...). And sometimes the ward clerk tells you "doctor i need the computer can you go sit in the corner". But happiness comes from seeing your patient high five you as he goes home, from the grateful relatives thanking you (when the pt aored....) profusely and the mo tells you "wow the way they thanked you! you are a good doctor". Happiness comes from being able to sleep soundly at night (on a normal day, not call day) knowing that no stone was left unturned, no blood test was left unordered and nothing was left un-handed over. Happiness is flipping the pages of fenichel and promising God to try my best. Dear God, thank you for the gift of medicine. And most of all, thank you that I am a better doctor than I thought I would be (that said, i didnt exactly have high expectations.). Sometimes, I am worse than I thought I would be, usually at 2am, or when rushing. Sometimes I just don't know. Thank you for forgiving me for those times and sending people to listen to my angst in those times, and to teach me what IS the right thing to do. When time differences, or just differences, make it impossible for me to depend on others, or maybe just when you feel that i shouldnt depend on others, thank you for being there for me. Somehow I find that when I find the strength in you, rather than lean on other humanbeings for help, everything gets solved faster & so much better. Maybe all this is you trying to tell me to try your helpline first, instead of after all my options are exhausted.

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