About Me

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

forgiven

postcall usually i fall asleep the moment i reach home & get up the next day to round like an energizer bunny. yesterday for the first time i couldnt fall asleep postcall. just kept going round & round in my head what i had done & failed to do.

usually i take great pride in going the extra length for a patient. fighting everyday for my patient with chronic hypotension to get dialysis, personally going down with the patient to make sure the dialysis actually HAPPENS, even though i'm post call. id managed to pull off great feats of organization with patients just a couple of days before. the typical DIM having to refer 101 people. but suddenly, my extra effort backfired spectacularly. suddenly, every time i even thought of making the extra effort for a patient, my mind would think of how this can possibly backfire on me. and id just not be bothered.

normally, i love to teach med students. sure, i dont know a whole lot, but definitely i can teach them enough to help them with their mbbs. today, i just ignored my med student completely and checked and rechecked every single thing about my 4 patients. its ok. after yesterday, my med student probably thinks im a doofus. he went to join some other ho. LOL. i would too, i understand.

going to work today was really difficult. i dont know how i woke up. walked in the door of the ward & googled laudate. that's really such an awesome way to start the day. i remember i had the most initially boring and painful AH geri posting. not only was i not interested in the subject matter, i just felt so depressed going there daily. to make it worse, our con was one of those legendary scary cons, and i was alone in a team and h and c were in another team. it got so depressing i got in the habit of saying the liturgy of the hrs in the mornings, walking that depressing corridor at 7am everyday. by the end of the posting i really loved all my pts, was presenting all the pts (coz the mos changed all the time) and the scary con was no longer scary at all.

halfway thru the day, a msges me to lament abt the general lack of spiritual life nowadays as a ho (tell me about it). i ask her to add me to the catholic drs guild emailing list.... and 5 mins later i realize that one of my mos on a call a few calls ago is like the person running the emailing list. LOL. talk about God being there all the time, cept i didn't know it. no wonder that was such a good call. hahah. one of those haem calls where you get to sleep 2-3hrs. him thwacking me on the shoulder as we queued up for drinks at bengawan felt a bit like God thwacking me on the shoulder telling me not to be an idiot and he's actually there. message of the day ehh.



this song says it best
"Forgiven"

Well, the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride.
Sometimes I feel alone and I cry.


And in this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

Well, I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven


When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

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