Sunday, September 14, 2014

angels brought me here

hanbyul of led apple's voice is so beautiful. this isn't the best cover he did, his bruno mars ones are pure awesomeness. but i like the lyrics of this song :)

angels brought me here - guy sebastian
It's been a long and winding journey, but i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies

My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle... 
If you could see, what i see, that you're the answer to my prayers
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

its a sunday morning, beginning of my leave. which as usual, isn't really leave, but more of clearing 101 things. i don't mind that much really since half of it is things i love, but the other half, admin stuffs, logbook grrrr

apart from research, clearing annoying admin stuffs and backlog of aic things, i want to also go and have brunch at least once! and maybe buy some books. and get a credit card finally. and shop! haha. and maybe go gym at least once.

so ambitious yo.

thinking about life, the choices we make, the people we meet, always makes me feel v blessed about the paths i have taken, many times not of my own volition but life circumstances and God's hand. really so true that many times we childishly want things our way but God knows better and the subsequent unfolding of events is so much better than we could have imagined (and it also usually unfolds in a way we could never have imagined hahah). so there's no need to cling on to our preconceived ideas of how everything should happen.

even though i keep going back to those pivotal turning points in my life, its so funny that at that time, it's like SO ANGST but now looking back on it, everytime things get a little bit hard, it gives me so much comfort: hello He got me through that & worked so much miracles, surely he can get me through this! it's kind of unexpectedly subverting expectations coz angst causing stuff ends up being something inspiring & comforting hahah. it is super motivating though. one weekend i was roaming unefficiently through hospital corridors and i realised what date it was and i was like wow ok, i HAVE come far from then.

on a random note, i am really grateful for _. although i dont actually know what will happen, or if it's right, or whether one needs crazy insane love in life to be happy or what. i dont know. but its somehow very very reassuring, and makes me think of thankfulness. it makes me think that after what i botched up,or time botched up, or what was just never meant to be yrs ago - yeah probably that, some things just cant be forced even though it seems like theoretically it coulda be right, with a little stretch of the imagination... that i need to do the Right Thing, whatever it is, this time. and i guess the right thing is trust in God & time. its not really crazy self destructive love the kind you know is all wrong and makes you sad & angry & self-recriminating and where you marinate in a combination of hate/misunderstandings/ feel stuck in a circle of neverending negative emotions, no its totally different. that's probably a good start. haha. its something very quiet and on the same wavelength, waves lapping at a small beach at night. its like those underwater poems i used to write, the ones with aquamarine imagery, not the ones where the sharks eat you. honestly i dont know what's right but these days i can say i have grown up and at least i dont boast abt the things i did -wrong- (trust me i dont know why i did that. i guess i wasnt on the MOST even keel then. and maybe i thought it was some proof of being a special snowcake, to be quirky and to be confused. for the record, its not. some proof of loved and being loved maybe just all at the wrong times by and for the wrong people)

maybe one day i'll find what's the right thing

for now, LOGBOOK

oh and back to the original premise - although i am no longer going to apply for a certain place due to a variety of reasons - one of my friends there once told me, and it stuck with me, that he got in because the angels got him in. that always stayed in my mind. one yr ago i made the decision that that place is not a place where angels really go that often, and that realization still stands even today. i respect the people who have gone there who try nevertheless. i just couldn't, in the end, do it. the common thread of my life is clear - i don't know what's going to happen in this area of my life too LOL. but i just want to be able to say with compunction, whereever i finally get to, to whoever who asks, be it random passersby or wideeyed med students "the angels got me in".

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