it's a beautiful sunday morning after a rash of calls. reading what a friend wrote on fb rings really really true.
everyday it's a battle between a mental note of how much time we have to finish things as efficiently as possible and go home for our well-deserved sleep before the next day of battle, versus working at it with all your heart for the Lord & not your human masters.
ive been guilty of living the first life. its difficult when you know that no matter what you do, people just want you to be fast. no one really wants you to sit around philosophically and think about Life and Why We Are Here On Earth.
the other day i had a pretty good call with the nicest mo ever. even when i missed out small things, she would tell me "eh just tell you ah, dont intermittently miss out things ok! but its ok, hahaha" a few days later on rounds i noticed she was wearing a silver cross around her neck. this is an mo so senior she will probably turn reg soon. and yet she willingly jumped to help me with everything, smoothed over pr issues and we survived sat and sun rounds together and had a very good call. everything went so smoothly despite sat calls being the longest ever.
somehow i have never had to force myself to see God in paeds the whole of my med school life. i had always enjoyed paeds and felt that i was better at it compared to my other postings (as a student that is). i didn't even need to look for God because on the surface i was so exhilarated to be blessed with the paeds postings and electives that i didn't need to dig down too deep to look for reasons to survive the day. not like some postings i dreaded and didn't know how i would survive. the only way to survive those postings was to tell myself to see God in my patients.
as a HO now, surviving barely day to day, counting down am rounds, call, post call rounds, biting my lips when my mo's jaw drops to the ground because of things i dont know (btw just systems based practice... to them it's so obvious but to me, it may be the first time i know the importance of things..) - i see God for the first time in paeds. i see Him in my mo who despite being so senior is still nice and yet manages to get everything done efficiently and well. i see Him in my reg who takes 30 minutes to educate me and kw on the importance of repeating uecr - instead of scolding us, he laughs and jokes about it with us. but i know he is actually serious. i see Him in the pharmacists who vet everything we order (and whom i can hear laughing exuberantly in the background of the phone call when they call to tell us about our mistakes at 3am).
i see Him very clearly when i manage to get bloods from a tiny baby - me, who is the last person who could possibly get bloods from a dry stone. i half didnt know why i was persuading the family so insistently cos i was dreading the bloods so much but somehow out of some dogged sense of duty i kept on calling the parents, talking to them.... somehow after all that talking, the invisible veins popped up beautifully. the feeling when you walk into the treatment room with a deep feeling of dread and bounce out in triumph with the blood tubes.
really liked these two verses my friend mentioned in his fb note:
"the rulers of the gentiles lord it over them and their high officials exercise authority over them. not so with you. whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave. just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give his life as a ransom for many"
"truly i tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did it for me"
in the end, we are all only human. nothing can prepare us for the onslaught of workload which frankly, sometimes can feel a little inhuman. running between towers, fuelled by the fear that somewhere someone is going to scold us, if not tonight, the next morning the smses will come. but we dont have to run in fear. as long as we do it for God, somehow, it will all work out and the sun will rise. we will get the impossible bloods (or the nurses will pity us and help us get them, or we will discover a&e sent up some bloods with the patient).