Sunday, May 18, 2014


today i woke up feeling as if i ran a marathon yesterday. i was really perplexed until i remembered that everyday we have to push cows and trolleys around. i'm beginning to feel a bit like a cowherd.

there's a poem somewhere in there about electric cows and all those virtual hoops we keep having to jump through. percolating in the coffee maker of my mind

there was a reading the other day, about the road to emmaus. i really loved the reflection in one of the bulletins. something about two people, confused like anything about the events of reccent days, meeting Jesus on the road to emmaus. but they didn't know who he was, even though he was with them. he walked with them the whole way and ate bread with them. then suddenly their eyes were opened and they saw. 

so many beautiful beats in that. firstly, their belief even in the middle of confusion. their hospitability to a stranger even in the middle of their own problems. that Jesus accompanied them the whole way, listening to them reccounting and discussing their problems. and that finally they saw the light. 

i'm not really too worried about my future these days to be honest. i'm more concerned with climbing the everest learning curve and being a good doctor & colleague. 

but i was just thinking that... sometimes we think that God wants us to do something but maybe he wants us to do something else. looking back the first time i seriously wanted this was one winter's day walking through a tree-lined path. and before that winter's day, i had wanted to be a neurosurgeon. that's how it all started, then the fireworks, blah blah. although thinking about first anythings is clearly not very reliable cos i came into med sch wanting to be a surgeon. and obviously i dont have the temperament or capability for that haha. 

and that God had never really told me (before good friday that is) explicitly which part of medicine he wants me to do. not that we should always expect him to pass us direct messages but i did try really hard to discern which of the two hospitals i should apply to and i never got a direct answer... i just ended up swinging between the two and never really knowing. maybe the lack of an answer was an answer. 

just a thought. who knows. my life does have a way of doing funny things that turn out for good. strange how it does that. anyway, i'm really glad i have this training ground on which to cut my teeth. it's probably the best choice i could ever have chosen to make myself the most efficient version of me ever. i guess i'm not ready to stake everything on a new choice in a way cos having staked everything on this belief once, it's a bit daunting to re-stack my stakes, if yknow what i mean. but then again, if it's literally the one message i got from God, and it IS the third time... who knows... 

i guess just keep an open mind, try not to over-emotionalize things (ITS A SIGN FROM GOD! OK GO GO GO) because yknow we are all human and feelings and things can confuse one sometimes. but also not to close one's heart and mind to God; maybe he DID plant some desires in your heart & mind at certain points for certain reasons. to be revealed in ... in the sequel haha

to do list
- email mohh to change bank accounts
- finish online learning things
- log duty hrs/ procedures [being the only female ho in the ward means i have done ecgs for like everyone. i am now the go to ecg person whom the nurses call when they cant get the machine to work. HAHA the thought of tt really amused me.]
- prepare for call on wed *kungfu warmup*
- church & gym tmr! my one perfectly free day to spend on usual activities that human beings usually do on weekends
- presentation 

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