i was just surfing around and chanced upon this blog post
and it dawned upon me that no matter how i try to repress it, this is the truth: no matter how you look at it... no matter how much i wished this time would have been different, this lenten period was indeed a lenten period for me.
i can't really remember how many easter sundays ago was that fateful one.. i guess it must be around 6 yrs ago; going through the whole mass in a haze of recrimination & near-tears, wondering why God had ever planted the desire in my heart to try for medicine at all, wondering why i didnt get that one thing i deserved. i just remember singing all those joyful songs, feeling anything but
this lent, the cross isn't as bad as the one i bore years ago. probably coz this time, im actually a doctor! that does sweeten it considerably. haha. but i still spent easter sunday much less joyfully than it could have been. why on earth must they release our results on maundy thursday -_- it's almost as if they want to encourage us to fully participate in the easter tridium or something. oh well. on the bright side, i definitely did identify with the three days of easter.
i didnt wanna write this earlier but reading that blog post really hit home for me. lent is a time of waiting, a time of suffering, a time to unite our own sufferings, big or small, with Jesus. there's nothing to be ashamed of being rejected on the same day as Jesus. in fact, it's kinda cool. at least i have something in common with him.
and on the even brighter side, i did finally get the message from God i've been waiting for. yknow we wait and wait for signs & complain there is no sign... ok i got the message. and it's not the message from the rejection btw it's a POSITIVE message. it's a "i want you to do this" kinda thing. not the empty feeling where you scan the lists hoping it's just another parallax error and then are forced to field multiple phone calls. it's a "i need you for this" thing. my easter sunday sunrise did happen after all.
years from now, i'm going to look back on it and this is going to make perfect sense.
okay i should go memorize paeds doses now. haha. paracet 10-15mg/kg!!
another quote from the awesome blog
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
― Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude