Tuesday, April 29, 2014

vanilla sky

after a series of alternating useful and non-useful lectures, went to have korean food with nic at plaza sing! it was super yummy. plus... KOREAN FOOD. blessing in disguise that the french restaurant near her workplace was closed! but totally going one day for the profiteroles anyway ;p good to know i still have friends! also, like nic said, there are some things that only the two of us would know what we are referring to, or the implication of. haha. well i guess MY, nand etc might know, but they'll just be like *sigh, shakes head* LOL. although the actual recollection of events is clearly hazy, it's nice to know someone understands a certain phase in your life huh. 

it also made me feel better about something else, which DUH what else could be the reason. well maybe many reasons. but this is the funniest and most obvious way, darn i knew that would come back to kick me. oh well.. blessings in disguise oh yea. 

plan for the day! (sigh it's raining ++)
- open bank account
- settle holiday photos
- get registered!!
- gym (the inside of which i may not see for a long, long time)
- contacts??

plan for wednesday
- mug (yes nearly a month's downtime and i save the mugging for two days before. good job)

plan for thurs
- cmg ho tea (ie the time where i say dear God, please help me be a good doctor and miraculously learn how to take blood, for the sake of all the neonatal pyrexia babies that will need someone to take blood from them.... )

plan for fri

plan for weekend
- pre-call mugging
- half call or quarter call. whatever you call it. 

plan for rest of life: still dunno, but know it's going to be okay. more than ok. awesome! oh yea. 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

belated easter eggs

Was helping d revise on skype when I realised that alot of my fav pple whom I havent talked to for agess were logging on!! So I just gave it a shot and ended up chatting to quite a few of them :) haha. I havent turned skype on for years man. It was really nice :)

I am seriously beginning to think that God has a list of small prayers/wishes... wishlist if you must... years after I make those wishes then they come true. Like brunch & eggs ben, thats defo one... reconnecting however briefly with old friends (sort of ending the yrs of history actually on a nice note), haha I rmb in debate days I really wanted to make friends with the debaters from other schools but we were too shy... and in my uni days I ended up getting to know all these ac debate guys haha

Anyway I think my lazy days of hibernation are overrr sobs. Time to be in efficient mode!!

Friday, April 25, 2014

something needs to be said

there, said it.

this will go down in the annals of brilliance.

starting out on a journey of epic proportions, massively unprepared. it's kinda fun but yet i know that its somehow even beyond our expectations. its funny how we can't prepare for this like we prepare for exams (also my brain is still mush so i dont really feel like mugging up, despite trying too). the best i can do is clutch my cheatsheats and er... call senior for everything!!

in a way, the shifts in the... fabric of time & space (gd excuse for everything) are good shifts. cake is lovely but calorific, so having your cake but not having to eat it, could be good too...

in a way, this feels like a happier, more normal way of existence, more compatible with crazy determination, with the i-havent-anything-to-lose-now-so-heck-it-all way of running a marathon. that's always the best, that's always the kinda race i run. not the kind where everything hinges on a fulcrum with a small margin of error... the kind where the chances of success are one in a million so you throw everything in and go for it cos anyway - yeah - not like you have anything to lose if you dont try.

there must be a message in all of this & honestly i think i'm seeing a sliver of that already. and failing that, the strength i got to persevere through the hard slog... that is gold in itself. i mean of course i wished i didnt have to look for the silver lining in every single facet of my life... i'm already finding so many silver linings i can make a few necklaces out of it all... and sometimes the silver dissappears like leprechaun gold.

somehow this is all related in one big mashup... it always is. for now, i'm still stubbornly grateful for the tangibles (laptop, phone, hehehe), for the past four years - ups & downs aside, i think that having a huge batch of people that i'll know someone wherever im posted to does make it much nicer, and it's a plus that i didnt go into med sch expecting, so that's really nice. (altho i started out med sch wondering if i would actually literally make it out alive, so clearly not very high expectations there. haha). and for all the inumerable intangibles.

i still believe in rainbows & happy endings. despite everything.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

on coffee

is different. i cant really put my finger on how and why it's different but it just is. it's kind of like drinking caramel macchiato where previously you'd been drinking plain old lattes with artificial sweetener. or instant three in ones. i remember the first time i accidentally ordered an expresso and discovered it actually comes in a tiny cup with no sugar LOL.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

reflections on the lenten season 2014

i was just surfing around and chanced upon this blog post


and it dawned upon me that no matter how i try to repress it, this is the truth: no matter how you look at it... no matter how much i wished this time would have been different, this lenten period was indeed a lenten period for me.

i can't really remember how many easter sundays ago was that fateful one.. i guess it must be around 6 yrs ago; going through the whole mass in a haze of recrimination & near-tears, wondering why God had ever planted the desire in my heart to try for medicine at all, wondering why i didnt get that one thing i deserved. i just remember singing all those joyful songs, feeling anything but

this lent, the cross isn't as bad as the one i bore years ago. probably coz this time, im actually a doctor! that does sweeten it considerably. haha. but i still spent easter sunday much less joyfully than it could have been. why on earth must they release our results on maundy thursday -_- it's almost as if they want to encourage us to fully participate in the easter tridium or something. oh well. on the bright side, i definitely did identify with the three days of easter.

i didnt wanna write this earlier but reading that blog post really hit home for me. lent is a time of waiting, a time of suffering, a time to unite our own sufferings, big or small, with Jesus. there's nothing to be ashamed of being rejected on the same day as Jesus. in fact, it's kinda cool. at least i have something in common with him.

and on the even brighter side, i did finally get the message from God i've been waiting for. yknow we wait and wait for signs & complain there is no sign... ok i got the message. and it's not the message from the rejection btw it's a POSITIVE message. it's a "i want you to do this" kinda thing. not the empty feeling where you scan the lists hoping it's just another parallax error and then are forced to field multiple phone calls. it's a "i need you for this" thing. my easter sunday sunrise did happen after all.

years from now, i'm going to look back on it and this is going to make perfect sense.

okay i should go memorize paeds doses now. haha. paracet 10-15mg/kg!!

another quote from the awesome blog
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
― Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude

can't hide it

i've had a long and glorious post mbbs holiday, complete with exotic travels, lots of slacking, yummy good and good company, the requisite book-buying, gymming, and even epiphanies about Life.

think its time i start actually opening my baby bear/ nelsons/ rudolph/ you name it. this time, so i can treat actual patients, not just to impress some examiners for eight minutes. i'm kinda scared, but also excited

Life just IS. it's this great big behemoth that is alternately happy & sad (hopefully not swinging too much between the two extremes...). the only thing that can approximate life is poetry. poetry with its shades of grey, with it's rainbow colors and imagery. poetry that lets you believe two things at one time and accept differing things in the same sentence, in the same breath even. there are so many paths in this enchanted forest. there are so many potential happinesses and sadnesses... sometimes you have absolutely no control and sometimes your own destiny lies in your hands.

dont really know how much i believe in predestination & fate, they always used to try and force us to write in philo essays what we thought of those two. can these ideas be distilled into dispassionate essays like that? quoting whichever philosopher is the flavor of the day? i used to read philo books voraciously, but they never answered any of my questions about the meaning of life

ultimately whatever we can and can't change, life depends on you grabbing on to whatever straws you can to enact whatever change you can. in every situation, there is always a list of things you can do to make it better. my general concept of predestination if pushed is that God alone knows the plan (ie, not me) and that whatever i do, he will somehow help such that it all comes to good. so there may be detours (yeah tell me about detours...) but it's going to end up just fine at the end. more than fine really. and i will NOT be like the grumbling israelites!! actually, i always am. uh. human nature!! but i will try not to anymore. really.

& whatever happens to my life, i know that at least medicine... i was meant to do this. i used to wonder what is God's will & how do we know it and how do i know that i am meant to do medicine. well i finally got the answer, after six years. now just to wait to find out part 2 of God's will :)

here we go

things to do
1. save impt emails from nusemail before we cant use it anymore
2. gym before i never have time to gym anymore
3. open baby bear
4. stock up on stationary
5. buy a really pretty christmas-themed tumbler from starbucks to keep my call coffee/ hydration in [do they even stock this off-season? hahaha]
6. start writing research paper
7. get holiday photos printed!!
8. register myself atsmc
9. practice driving
10. sign up for half marathons!! i must run some this year!!
11. meet up with nat/ sharon once her exams end!

i think there's more, but i cant really rmb... oh yeah get all my external battery packs ready for call. hahaha. omg. i seriously hope i survive this. no actually i hope the PATIENTS survive this.

let's go :)

Monday, April 21, 2014

i now have an inexplicable desire to go to greece & run the athens marathon. lol.

two words: TRAIN HARDER

Sunday, April 20, 2014

on rainbows

the reason why i like rainbows is that they are meant to be God's promise. oh & they're really pretty :)

today is easter sunday! the day where Jesus rose after three days. on easter sunday, you're practically obligated to be a happy easter bunny. i just need me some chocolate eggs heh. 

i gave it my best shot, i calculated the odds the best way i knew how, and i followed the way i thought God was calling me to. never in my calculations did i factor in money, fame, or prestige. in fact, i tried extremely hard to avoid those like the bubonic plague. 

today, on easter sunday, i can finally say, that i know what God wants me to do; what he rescued me from the dark to do. & someday soon, i will see the sunrise. sometimes, you get on the wrong bus; the bus may take longer than you expected, and you may end up getting utterly frozen in a foreign country you kinda didnt expect to land up in (i'm not even being metaphorical here hahahaah). but you'll find warmth (and wifi) at the rest stops, you'll find friendly fellow passengers who tell you how to get to your final destination (even after you've asked multiple times to check that this bus is really really going there). you'll find a landlord at the end who has the prettiest house with the awesomest view. you realise that maybe that bus you took cos you thought it was cheaper and ended up bringing you through (pretty but) rural scenery was the experience of a lifetime; never mind that you've had had plenty of experiences of a lifetime... in your lifetime already. that sometimes you just need such experiences to know that he WILL bring you through the darkness, that there will be a sunrise. 

on this day that is usually accompanied by hot cross buns & chocolate & egg hunts, i just want to say that i am really grateful for all my blessings, one of them in particular, no matter whether it's transient or not, i know that it is definitely godsent. i want to say that i hope that (rather obvious) hint was the final piece in this easter egg hunt (and no im not talking about the hint one might think i am talking about...). d says that ___ has no idea of what these things mean to us but i think that it's precisely because he doesnt know that it is meaningful to me! and for in particular the three people whose constant encouragement have kept me sane & on this walk with God, and not to mention kept my hope alive on aforementioned wrong bus journey heh: d, m and n. 

and also, this is the last post in nearly six years worth of medical school. maybe i should print all this out to myself as a memory hahahaha. bye guys, thanks for listening. i'll let y'all know if the plan is what i think it is :) 

Saturday, April 19, 2014

the next day

hi world, so our fates have been revealed!! well, for me, one year and two months worth of it. haha. complete with detailed rotation schedules for nearly all 100 of us in the same residency program! hats off to the super-efficient admin people in aforementioned residency program who actually emailed us on the EVENING of results release haha

first off: I PASSED MBBS!!! *dance of joy*

when i told my priest about it, he was like YAY FINALLY, after 6 yrs right?? *thanks ah*. but anyway haha yes i'm more than glad to have finally passed. the best thing about med sch is how -to me at least- the whole of med sch has been a testament to God's glory & grace. From getting me into med sch, to helping me find amazing friends & seniors & juniors to patients in the final exam to examiners in the final exam... to every single test i've ever taken in med school, God literally just picked me up and brought me over every hurdle. Even though i'm not a deans lister nor did i get into ~dreAm residencY worX~, i think I've done the best job possible that I could over these past six yrs.

that brings me to part 2: I think God has a really big & awesome plan for me. Which, currently, I havent the faintest idea what it is. I'll let you guys know what it is in the event i ever discover this Big Plan.

part 3: i am now enrolled in a reality show entitled 'so, you think you wanna do paeds?' commencing 2nd of may. followed by 'so, you think you wanna do im?'. Lets just hope I can take bloods from the most flailing and crying of cute babies by the end of these six months. Knowing my destiny would be good too.

ahhh i can't believe i'm going to be a doctor!!! excited max.

now off to read my haul of fantasy books bought by the SIP allowance. #lifeisgood

Sunday, April 13, 2014

standing there

one day, i will write a poem for you. i hope it will be one that involves sunlight or corals or somesuch pretty imagery. i hope it will be a happy poem, one not involving any cliches or cheesiness; nothing about cheese at all. no moons, no pale white plates separating us like a tectonic plate, no earthshaking movements, no operas of which the names i cant remember, the language of which i do not understand

i hope it will be a poem in the present tense
i hope it will be a good one

but even if the tense is past
there is such a thing as past perfect tense
i never used to understand that, but

some things can be perfection in themselves. perfection in imperfection

my crystal balls are rather near-sighted and i doubt they would pass any vision tests. i have a liking for filtering pictures through instagram; i have given up double second guessing myself around about three years ago. three years ago, i found many things but i also gave up feeding the romantics

so i won't commit to saying anything, and any picture i paint would probably be unreliable - 
but if i ever think of you; past present or future too, i would think of you repainting my mental imagery of an  orangely buzzy coffee shop and the walk past streetlights at night. i would think of green fields & picnic baskets and a perfect blue sky.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

little star

back from my travels! most exciting & beautiful trip ever haha. literally thank God for bringing us back home safe & sound.

admiring amazing feats of nature, probably one of the most beautiful places on earth, and suddenly saw a rainbow out of the corner of my eye. whipped out my phone camera despite the fact that i was on this wooden bridge-trail thing with hundreds of mini waterfalls gushing everywhere around my feet and spraying thousands of little jets at unsuspecting passers-by. i love these little finds. one of the passers-by i helped take a photo for asked me how old i was and if i liked big, tall guys like his son HAHA.

too many things to reccount, just thankful for all the beautiful scenery, good weather, amazing providences, yummy food, friendly & enthusiastic b&b owners, random people who gave directions & helped out, whatsapp buddies to share the experiences with (and a who was going to all the same places at diff times, loL), and all the logistics somehow working out, and much much more. i can't even begin to describe it, my sun-soaked photos probably speak a thousand words :)

on the plane, watched hunger games, ender's game, frozen, countless binges of big bang theory (so much love). had much kaffee und kuchen; each kuchen was muchly appreciated i must say and usually landed in my vicinity by some measure of providence. the kaffee was free-flowing & i also realised this trip that i am well & truly addicted to it. never knew that kaffee was a basic need ranking up there with shampoo and socks. oh well.

upon landing, proceded to have awesome bbq, and today had brunch in the most beautiful green leafy place

nicest post-exam flurry of activies ever!! now i just need to recover from the ensuing exhaustion from my predictably tiring rushing around method of travelling, haha. something that crossed my mind very frequently is that there are many things i want to do for God & that he wants me to do for him (i know this sounds very presumptious coming from someone who has a dubious blood taking success rate buT i am of the firm opinion that in our own ways big or small we can all do something for God in some way or other okayy. i just need to find my way, and in around 5 days time that will become slightly clearer... haha). well He did bring me through all types of situations so i'm guessing there is lots awaiting for me to do :)

but for the remaining few days of precious freedom, there are many small things to do as well. recharged & ready to go!!


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...