mbbs is in 35 days, ive finally installed a countdown app on my phone.
but today, sitting in the bright sunlight after lectures waiting for a lift home, i just felt really at peace & happy. indescribable. just happy. guess waking up at 5-530am for three weeks in a row does that to you, haha.
God's peace :) and his grace. seen many good cases these few weeks esp surg shorts. the only thing is super not fated to join clinics eh.
today after a lot of running around (quite literally) i managed to send in my employment package (!!)
it was definitely something that could have had been completed more easily but ANYWAY, my life was made MUCH easier by two angels: chai & the post office guy who lent me his photocopier! thank you!!
been slowly filling in the blanks in my gaps of knowledge
i used to think i knew a lot & insist that my answer is the correct one, even when it wasn't. maybe then, i knew the right answers. these days, if i dont know, instead of spouting some nonsense, i just go & look up the right thing right away. 30+ days, i have to get this right. we've been reminiscing our m3 exams reccently; we were so young & innocent then!! i distinctly remember my long case examiners as their glee at my good hx and differential diagnosis gradually changed into horror as i fumbled thru pe and sat down for a very confused discussion and as they sighed, they told me "why not you re-organize your thoughts & try again?" haha so nice of them. m5 exams will not be like this!! everything must be smooooth.
like m said, even if i realise i dont know sth, just learn from it.
also yesterday was a little ugh like overclerking pts, everyone crowding into the cubicle. i feel really bad. exactly the kinda thing we've been trying to avoid the past 5 yrs (which is why we are all so desperate now!!) the best i could do is try to just be really nice to the pt and when they say no theyre tired then i'll respect that. but sometimes even tho they are examined by loads of people they smile and say its okay, they totally understand!! and wish us best of luck for our exams. really grateful for such patients :) and classmates who give us cases, really good ones too. gd stuff.
what's left to settle
- surg long case
- try to join breast/ vascular/ endocrine clinics if possible, if not see the conditions in day surg
also, due to some circumstances, i literally have not run/ gymmed at all for nearly 3.5 weeks!!! and it looks like it will be a total of a month really cos i doubt im going any time soon. ARGHHH. desperately need the burst of feel-good endorphins. but all i can do when i come home is totally collapsE. if i can study a little bit i'll be really happy alr. and running to keep up with my ho is not my idea of fun exercise BTW. esp if i'm literally struggling to keep up both metaphorically and physically. hahaha effort tolerance decreasing!! anyway oh well, the net balance is -ve anyway. that tells you how much physical exertion is required in surg sip haha!
okay shall finish writing out complications of gastrectomy, shower, & wake up super duper early for day surg pts + hopefully clinic!! go go
thinking back on all the SIPs, ortho was just starting out, all excitement, but actually there wasnt that many changes to do/ that we could do since there were so many tuts! but it was quite fun anyways. medicine was next, it was truly awesome! i really enjoyed it. both teams were so nice i could barely believe my luck. experiencing my first xiong call was also super awesome. best ho ever that night too. they were busy at sgh but yet people kept teaching us stuff & never scolded us or anything. such happy memories!! paeds was true love, what can i say. okay i wasn't perfect but it was just so enjoyable to wake up in the morning everyday to go & we had a lot of free reign, yet it wasn't uncontrolled cos we reported to the ho/mo as well! i also think that having one of my heros as one of my ward consultants was a sign hahaha. i still have a long way to go but listening to the neuro con teach the entire grp of reg, mo, hos, med students neuro things during the ward round, all of us starry-eyed.... it makes me want to do anything & everything i can to get myself on that road & nearer to that level of erudition. geri... i actually enjoyed it far more than i ever expected! i used to think i had such difficulty communicating with old people but actually for those who are not having ams, they understand basic chinese. and they are always so cheerful every morning. you just go there & say AUNTY HO BO?! and they will grin and say HOU! its pretty fun. i think once i got into the swing of things & esp once a con that came at 7am joined the team it became really gd cos then the mos wouldnt be able to preround so i could present, plus i think they began to trust me more & let me do stuff. good timess.
and finally, surgery sip. it's one of the most involved sips in that the tuts are well-timed so we managed to do alot of changes which wasnt the case for most other sips. i really did learn alot from my hos & the experience has definitely made me more efficient plus detailed! however, to be perfectly honest, it was also very depressing because this entailed discovering my weak points (it also didnt help that i had a super bad bout of influenza like halfway thru...), and i had been thinking i was a really good & efficient sip!! and then suddenly to discover all my weak points & to know how lacking i am..... it was actually rather depressing. HOWEVER i am proud to say that me being me, i totally conquered my flu, dragged myself to sch anyways, and my ho was even telling me that i improved (although i did manage a final bout of incompetance by losing my chop momentarily & my ho found it for me.... and passed it back to me when i gave her chocs. LOL. really so epic....). and the 2nd week i managed to present alot, really grateful for that. although the moment i felt proud of myself for presenting like all the pts & leading the round, telling them where to go next etc, then my reg started quizzing me on microb. HAHA sigh. oh did i mention, i really enjoyed my colorectal week as well, pity it wasnt marked cos like the con told yk and me we had to lead the round & we really did! and he teaches soo much. i was so grateful to him that i was so pleased when i chanced upon him in the offices and was able to give him chocs too. hahaha. he then offered shorts to BOTH grps at once if he can squeeze so many pple in the cubicle. nicest doctor eveR.
SIP is over!! i actually really enjoyed going around giving people chocolates & seeing my ho happily eat the chocolate at the end of a long day haha.
it's time to go all out.
i am NOT going to sell my soul like i once did. but i think putting one's nose to the grindstone is something totally necessary & something that can be mutually exclusive.
enough pontificating around one point. there are now no longer any distractions or the need to go for rounds etc (although i did learn alot abt colorectal & uro & i only wish that i had some postings in hpb and vascular and breast too...) but technically i WAS in those teams in m3. lol...
dear God, i know i havent been a stellar student, and even things i once knew in postings have now flown out of my head. my prayer is that for the next 38 days, please help me to focus & to knuckle down to hard mugging, esp for surg where i have huge swathes of blind spots that i havent revised at all since m3! please help me to see some breast/ thyroid/ vascular cases in clinics or day surg somehow and do the full examination at least once before my mbbs?! please help me not to panic when it seems like everyone knows what they're doing & i havent the faintest idea. please help me to study smart & fast. please help me to carve out time to write down all the mx of the emergencies somewhere cos i also want to actually be a safe dr next time (not to mention give the right ans in the exams...). also thank you for m. really. i cannot emphasize enough how thankful i am for this sudden burst of encouragement & support that honestly i dont know what i did to deserve but really i am grateful for it, so very grateful :) it's really very comforting & encouraging.
plan for tonight
1. andre tan's upper bgit, varices, pud, gi cancer
I CAN DO THIS.
other to dos
1. sort out employment thingy
2. GO TO BREAST CLINIC. and VASCULAR. and ENDOCRINE.
so the final decision has been made. ive been making lots of rationalizations based on the key criteria of
1) who will accept me
2) will i be happy there?
but the truth is that, i was praying on sunday for the final time during church, for the final answer (since i keep going back & forth...) and suddenly when discussing my options post-church, i realised something which had been staring me in the face.... it was like a door opening & light shining through & i realised i had my answer. it's not about the numbers game, i had this complicated playin the numbers game game plan before which honestly was like thinking two steps ahead and ignoring what was right before my eyes.
it was like that part of the equation had been blocked off & suddenly someone opened a window and let the sunlight in.
that moment of revelation
so i picked my residency on the criteria of where do i think God is calling me to
just the way i'd always want it.
thank you God. i knew you would come through in the end.
Thanks be to God, no matter the outcome.
in the end picked somewhere where I know i will be happy, where I know I will be a better person & I know I will be able to serve God.
& even if i dont get it in the end, i will be able to acknowledge that God is guiding me in another direction.
but God made me for this & if it is His will, i will be able to rise to the challenge.
& i know that i will fight to the end. it's going to be a long & difficult road, but i will walk this road & i will survive through to the end. i'm a fighter, didn't ya know? i am capable of doing much more than anyone ever expected me to, if only i put my mind to it, and every inch of my might. yeah fine im no genius & i can't just effortlessly sail thru, unfortunately i actually have to -try-. but when i do try & give it my all, i'm totally able to meet the challenge.
this choice i make today, it's the right choice, i can say that confidently. whatever outcome comes out of choosing in this order, i accept & know that it is God's will. i'm no longer scared of the outcome because i know this.
also today my article got published on the cmg blog :):) happy. it helps me to know that, no matter what, God loves me. the rest doesn't matter.
and if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
what could stand against
God you are higher than any other
i am here Lord
I have heard you calling in the night
We all face challenges, difficulties and times when things don’t go our way. God doesn’t send these storms, but He will allow us to go through certain things in order to shape our character and prove our faith. Really, it’s in our times of difficulty that we grow and develop.
God wants to use the tough times in our lives to do a work in us. He wants to strengthen and develop us. Our attitude in times of adversity is the evidence of our maturity. Are we going to treat people right even when we’re being mistreated? Are we going to stay full of joy even when the bottom falls out? Are we going to be faithful even in the dry seasons of our lives when we don’t see anything good happening?
It may take more effort. You may have to work harder to keep a good attitude, but remember, attitude and faith in God is the key. As you keep that positive attitude of faith and expectancy, even in times of adversity, God will deliver you and move you forward into the destiny He has prepared for you!
This has been the craziest & most challenging week in a loooong time. I guess, in a way, it's good to be challenged & know where I have to improve. Even if there are lots of times where I'm completely taken aback by my inadequacy, where I do insanely stupid things to the point I wonder if I will ever be able to survive as a HO in a few months time, where I just plain feel CHUI, it may feel uncomfortable and honestly just really horrible. BUT, its better to know earlier rather than later. I would rather this than think I'm doing everything right and get a huge shock later on.
And the feeling of satisfaction as my ho told me that she thinks im improving is worth it :) Esp since I know she has high standards. One last week of SIP, then 3 weeks of revision, then that's it.
Last lap cmon I can do this!!!!!!!
He who was seated on the throne said, ’I am making everything new!’… Revelation 21:5, NIV.
Can you remember the time when you first discovered a big dream in your heart? Maybe you were determined to excel in your career, excel as a parent, or even excel in your walk with the Lord. You probably started out strong, but maybe things got a little difficult and didn’t happen as quickly as you would have liked. At that point many people decide, “Let’s just settle here. It’s not exactly what we wanted, but at least, it’s good enough.”
Friend, I want to remind you today that you were made for more than good enough! Maybe things haven’t worked out the way you planned, but now is not the time to stop and settle. Now is the time to dig your heals in and begin again. And even if that dream has died—it’s time to dream another dream. God has so much for you in your future.
If you’ve settled in any area of your life, take that first step by lifting your eyes to the Father. Let Him renew your strength. Let Him make things new in your life. Trust that His Word is directing your steps. Thank Him and worship Him because He is making all things new in your life!
Prayer for Today:
Father in heaven, thank You for this new day. Thank You for the opportunity to begin again. I choose to press forward and keep believing for the dreams and desires You’ve placed in my heart. I trust You today with everything that I am in Jesus’ name. Amen.
no freakin kidding. worst flu and worst timed flu of all time.
at 5am on monday my extremely high fever abated for like...3 hrs giving me time to drag myself to school, through pre rounds, and rounds feeling like i was going to faint any minute, then coming back again the moment rounds were over
i guess i shld just have taken mc, cos no one gave me any extra brownie points for showing up. the only person awarding brownie points was... me. woots!
and, well: high fevers, so i cant say i did sterlingly
well, excuses, excuses, but.... HIGH FEVER!!
okay, never mind, dont make excuses...
i'm mostly just glad that the fevers are (mostly) over and i survived it!!! was wondering when it would ever end.
so now to devote myself to what makes up a LARGE AMOUNT OF MY SURGERY MARKS.
1. study more
2. wake up earlier, see pts faster, write notes to the lvl of perfection required
3. talk faster to get my points in during rounds
just thankful for the little chunk of light i can vaguely see streaming from the light at the end of the tunnel. it demonstrates a little bit of humanity
also i know i am FREAKIN CHUI, but just gotta lvl up. just gotta keep telling myself that
the call the night before my 4 DAYS OF INFLUENZA was the best i have ever experienced in terms of learning value and also the worst in terms of morale. it was v inspiring at the time but now the darned flu wiped all memories. darn. but anyway really grateful to the mo and hos who taught me alot that night. i also got one blood taking success! woots. (since then, like 10 failure, but oh well).
its been a crazy week zomg.
here's hoping and praying i survive the next 2 weeks. (and pass surgery)
our life decisions need to be made this week.
i didnt make it to church this weekend so since i need to consult the consultant up there, i cant decide right now yet
can i possibly lvl up the height of mount everest?!!!!!!! God please let me know, soon, thank you muchly, me.
destresssing, unwinding after a long day, its nice to see a little bit of humanity, like the sun peeking through the clouds
it's been quite awhile since i just had a random conversation with someone, with no aim or motive or real thing to discuss. just chillaxing, making a new friend. i dont know, we're all busy pple, sometimes it feels like people are chomping at the bit to run somewhere, jump higher, reach greater heights. no-one wants to just chill & smell the roses, even for five minutes
i dont know how long it'll last, but thank you for making this day (when im slightly disheartened by my plug setting skills, maybe more so than usual), just that bit brighter & not to mention all the other days made brighter already.
& thank you God for a new friend, i hope this one lasts :)
slowly rev-ving up my engine & learning alot... but still, really tired. surg really is on a whole 'nother level. i thought i was pretty efficient in my other postings but somehow i come to surg and i realise there's this HUUUUGE mountain i have to climb.
first i worried about residency
then i decided to worry about passing mbbs
after today, i just want to be a competent HO and a safe doctor!!!!
the epiphany is the day that people of all nations came to know of the existence of Jesus (literally, through the Magi). (it's apparently also the same day as the miracle of cana!)
every year, on the epiphany, i have, well, an epiphany haha. and this year was no different! last year's was to go ahead with the peds neuro elective, BEST CHOICE I HAVE EVER MADE. plus my tutor is most encouraging to make me make posters and publish. really amazing experience.
this year, it's a different question, but i think i have my answer :):) & it isn't just a one step command, there's part a and part b. so i know what i have to do & i will do it.
also i think the pope is really cool. seriously. he has an official alms giver who goes around rome giving the homeless & hungry food and more. and on his birthday, the alms giver dude actually brought 3 homeless guys to have lunch with the pope. that's really sweet of him.
okay correction. i know what i have to do, i don't really know HOW i'm gonna do it and when, but i will definitely, definitely do it. i promise. one small step at a time.
i am so, so far from perfect
i wouldnt even know where to start listing my flaws, let alone begin fixing them
but i know i must try
and this human imperfection... is just what it is, human
God made us all perfect; fearfully & wonderfully made
He didn't make me lazy or selfish or brusque under pressure
those are just human traits that we slowly sink into; or bad habits so ingrained that we immediately respond that way to any trial or just... normally, out of habit.
it's not just that, but the inertia.
why havent i done anything, even though i have wanted to help others, even since ages ago? waiting to get into med school, surviving all kinds of storms, growing up, waiting to finish med school... scared of metaphorical and literal landmines... no time... objections... there's always some excuse or other. but then honoring ones parents is also important... so HOW. i put it at the back of my mind & get caught up with all these silly other things... you must admit that it's really easy to forget.
well i think that right now, finals probably are the most important thing to focus on, im sure God would totally agree with that. i still havent booked my grad trip but i dont think i'm going to spend it walking across spain. that's something for another time, some day.
i'm probably going to spend one week de-stressing, and if all goes well with planning, something else more meaningful in the one extra week of hols we have. i hope something will pop up, but if not i do have something in mind alr that is doable. really praying very hard that i will not encounter resistance in wanting to do this.
because it's a promise.
this morning, i woke up as usual not knowing what to do with my life. on the eve of the epiphany, as night fell, i was able to see the guiding star again
oh actually i hadnt meant to philosophize & get all poetic HAHA. i had meant to say that it makes me happy to see people being happy coz of the lists of cafes i chanced upon on fb & shared lol. that list is really golden BTW shows you the general areas of all the haps cafes. but why does no one like the waffles one i think that one is golden MAPLE SYRUP
okay off to gym off the virtual calories (plus the actual ones from red-velvet waffles...). and i think tdy im on a bit of a sugar-low pwahah
managed to think of quite a good series of puns but i dont think they're really appropriate bummer. maybe that's a sign toooo
every day i inch a little closer to this
maybe tomorrow - the perfect procrastination song. HAHA
"my soul is spiralling in frozen fractals all around"
sorry im obsessed with frozen's let it go for some reason haha
some mornings you wake up, your head spinning with poems of perilous clarity. that's exactly what it is. you see life in all it's brilliance and its dank overgrowths, exactly as it is. perfect in its imperfection. you have x-ray vision through the darkness & the contrast. swallowing the lumps in your throat like barium enema, you don't know how to follow-through, with anything. or perhaps, in another universe, in some other time & space, you don't know how to read the results of the follow-through.
you know that these are first world problems, no more, no less. that even though you can't read the stars any more than you could many moons ago, its because you don't sleep with them over your head. that you have the climate-control at your fingertips, even if it means you blow hot and cold. that waking up wondering what you are to do with this life, every day, without fail, means someone is giving you a choice. & you don't know why you deserve all this or still how to move from here. you know that no matter what thoughts are breezing through your head transiently like a crystal-blue beach wind, tomorrow will probably come, and the next day, and life moves on.
but even so, these thoughts existed. your loves, however imperfect, your hunches, your hedgehogs, aren't part of a science-fiction novel; they are more than just pixels in a screen or gigabytes or mobile phone data flying invisibly through the skies. everything exists, unless you've been living in a matrix.
this life, is so beautiful & yet spiralling. the challenge is how to keep it in these perfect spirals, going round & round & ending up at the same place; following the rules of physics & gravity
one day's gravity that sent me to you; i never expected such a thing to occur. and the next day's that spirals the world that momentarily went out of shape, into the perfect normality & opacity of normal humdrum daily life. kinda like the secret life of walter mitty
the contrast between the dark tunnel & the barium; it can be reduced by hot air. it can be diverted, like attention, and forgotten always
continuing on from the last post, i have been having very fruitful clerkings thus far, which i must really thank God for. i think sometimes we face setbacks but we ignore all the good things that have come before/ take them for granted. like the few times i went to ttsh i saw some really good neuro cases & met MOs whom i knew & had such a nice time catching up with (m & l particularly!) just thinking bout it makes me happy haha
letting go of the past & believing that the future will be good :)
this morning i literally skipped out of the front door (no kidding) excited about my happening day which was as follows: brunch with d at strangers reunion, followed by clerking of many thal patients, followed by a very long & fast run to botanics & back.
sounds so promising right?! the perfect blend of social activity, mbbs prep, and also physical activity.
the first part was awesome, obviously, it was d who is always awesome + red velvet buttermilk waffles (this week's special).
then to cut a long story short i waited very long for my friend to come and 5 mins before i gave up waiting & went up, found that all the pts were overclerked. i'm not sure if they woulda been overclerked when i first arrived but according to the nurses there were lots of students in the morning so, i think probably even going right when i arrived would not have had much use. the thought "i feel like crying" flitted across my mind briefly
... then i got my GAME ON, befriended a little boy who i am forever grateful to & he nicely let me feel his tummy (thank you dear, you have no idea how grateful i am for my day being hence salvaged :):)) then my friend finally arrived & we proceded to see quite a few paeds cases.
& i came home to further yummy food (there is really nothing like hot, home cooked food)
(oh, i didnt get to run though cos the moment i stepped into the house it rained. lol)
at first i felt REALLY pissed like i hadnt felt in a long time about the timing (considering i was soooo free this morning and could def have gone to clerk the patients even BEFORE meeting d... it would probably have been even more ideal in terms in timing & logistics...) and also how i waited for nearly 1.5 hrs. in this world, i think my top hate is WAITING (oh, and selfishness. hahaha).
but then upon thinking about it, NO REGRETS. well.. clearly i have regrets, but overall, i had a really nice time today chillaxing over the pretty waffles, catching up with a friend who also happens to be one of the main people who usually saves me from myself/ exam stress/ stress in general & whom i totally owe it to to meet up & who will probably have to hear loads of mbbs related moans in the next few months haha. and although it was really dissappointing to not clerk the patients i had been thinking i would clerk, it was def better than sitting at home watching tv or sleeping & there were other pts we managed to find. & God has a reason for everything/ something we can learn from everything
not really sure what's the reason but i learnt to not take things at face value, not to be too trusting. i also asked d for his opinion abt ______ and muchly appreciated the input ;p and it was just overall a nice time.
more importantly, first world problems aside, i think that i have been really blessed & these things, although they may sometimes be frustrating, just show us how blessed we are. to have friends & the means to buy expensive waffles to enjoy fellowship over, to be in med sch & be allowed to go clerking any time we want to, even encouraged to, to have a ride home in a car just before the rains come... by the end of it all, as i slipped inside the door to the symphony of the rain on the windows, i didnt have it in me anymore to be angry at the afternoon's logistics, i was only relieved & grateful at the small mercies of not having to brave the rain home on public transport
surg starts tomorrow! i vividly remember the night before csfc surg started in m2, and the night before m3 surg started... brimming with excitement, unsure of what exactly surgery would entail, but also being very convinced that it would be all sorts of awesome. as with everything in medicine, it was indeed pretty awesome, but i discovered that unfortunately i am no surgery gunner haha. it's not that surgery isnt awesome, it's just that i'm not the surgical type (plus my hand eye coordination is legendarily bad)
tomorrow, my third try at surg commences. the part of me that loved the idea of surgery for so many years, tells me that i should try my best for the last posting & not treat it as just the last 6 weeks before we get down to mugging. although, i think they are going to make sure we get down to mugging quite seriously even from tmr onwards. lol.
here's the hoping the more streetsmart and less wide-eyed innocent (like i was in m3) me can knuckle down to the last sip posting & the last surg posting of med school! bring on surg & 2014. God has brought me through sooo many yrs of med school, i'm positive I can survive the last few weeks too!
last lap everyone, LET'S GO!!
from spiritual inspiration:
Many people expect the voice of God to boom like a loudspeaker, but scripture tells us that He speaks in a still, small voice. To us, it seems like an impression inside.
We think, “I know I should go visit my parents. I know I shouldn’t eat so many sweets. I know I should stay home and do my schoolwork.” The “I knows” are God talking to you. Don’t ignore it. Learn to be quick to obey.
A lot of times we know what we should do, but we make excuses and reason it out. “I’ll do it later. I’m busy now.” But, we have to understand God doesn’t ask us to do it for His sake. He asks us to do it for our own sake. I’ve learned that before God will release big blessings, He will give you small tests. Too often we dismiss it and think, “Oh, that’s no big deal.” But if you don’t pass these small tests, it will keep you from the big things God has in store.
Today, don’t put off the little things that you know you should be doing any longer. Take a step of faith and obey Him. As you’re faithful in the little things and pass the small tests, He’ll lead you into the greater things He has in store for you.
indeed when God closes one door, he opens another. or if not, a window heh. and this is so true "he has made everything beautiful in its time" :)