Sunday, December 22, 2013


i have no idea what to do after mbbs. quite literally.

well i'm definitely hoping i'll pass, but i've at least managed to give that worry up to God haha.

grad trip with cg - out, cos i've gone to all the places before. i briefly regretted it but then again i had such an awesome italian trip that was the first one i organized all by myself!! that i couldnt really regret such awesome memories. paris was kinda a collaborative effort between all of us & bordeaux was not really that hard to organize but italy was totally organized by me, after reading eat pray and love one afternoon in borders, i just went home & booked the air tickets, rail tickets & bed & breakfasts. *in awe of my past self*. haha.

i think nowadays im more cautious? like *hmmm is it safe to stay in the nice tangerine farm?! in the rural countryside of korea? like how on earth are we even going to get there? like is it okay to arrive at 11pm in the middle of seoul, even if ive been to that guesthouse before? how am i going to get around jeju without a car?!* maybe i'm actually getting less spontaneous as time goes by, zomg. or maybe mbbs leaves me with little brain space to plan all these. anyway, all these didnt stop me from creating an extremely detailed plan, except that n.korea is threatening AGAIN, not really sure what though. why WHY. zzz

okay so thoughts turned to the camino (again). but i have no more brainspace to plan.... and yes its really good to walk it i'm sure but i really wanna do something concrete. like after i walk the whole thing, i'm 100% sure of my conclusions: i want to do God's work, i want to do mission trips, i want to do charity stuff, all things i want to do but have never ever done. half of it is due to external factors but most of it is due to... ME. RAHHH. okay, except doing God's work, which, God willing once i pass mbbs, i can actually slog away everyday as a ho and at least get some small comfort from the fact that i'm doing God's work helping people. but currently as an intern, not exactly.

two weeks, what shall i do with those 2 weeks?!

dont even get me started on my life after those 2 weeks, i'm utterly clueless about that too.

okay what i do know is this
1) i really want to teach sunday school!
d told me that i'm far from being spiritual enough which sadly i agree but yknow i think it's gonna take a really long time for me to level up. i think i can teach p1 kids that God is love and He loves us, pretty much? oh and about easter & christmas. i have a dream of organizing an amazing easter egg hunting thing. i think this is because i have really vivid memories of finding easter eggs at my own easter egg hunting years ago, LOL.

2).... okay, i dont know anything else. i think anything involving kids is pretty much a good idea cos i love kids, but then again it's not my choice to make. i mean i can make the choice in the portal but God's will be done.

3) i still dont know what to do about my holiday. i think i deserve a holiday though, because... HOLIDAY. maybe i'll just hold off on the tix first. something i always believe is that if something comes from God, He will make it happen. i do love the idea of camino but reading about it... i dont feel prepared at all for it. & id like to prepare a bit more for it. and also reading about it makes me itch to do something concrete & good. i know i'll go to the camino someday, just not in 2014. for korea, i do love it & i do want to spend a few days looking at flowers & scenery just chillaxing (if any holiday for me can involve chillaxing... it usually involves alot of organizing stress.) i just need that extra boost of THIS IS IT confirmation & of plans falling into place. yea i'm not always the most grace-filled person but even so i like to have peace before i proceed. so waiting on that :)

i really have a crazy dream of teaching sunday school. i really do NOT know why, so please dont ask me. God doesnt call those who are equipped, he equips the called haha. not that im saying i am special~ just that... i really have this crazy idea that theyll really welcome a pediatrician to help out in their outings/ camps/ things like that. call me crazy, yeah i know. there's a history of all my random wishes like this coming true years down the road. but anyway, i dont think i can suddenly start teaching sunday school just like that, it takes ages to train & they dont run on mbbs schedule. neither can i impose my weird exam schedules on people. (i guess my weird working schedule in the future isnt great either, but we'll come to that when the time comes...).

in summary: i think my dilemna about what to do actually mirrors my confusion about what to do with my life. which... i try to think i've let God handle it all but in actuality i'm thoroughly confused. i can say over & over again that it's not my decision but ultimately i need to make a choice whenever the portal opens. which i dont even know when it's opening. i'm not actively stressed about it (klearly not since i can plan for holidays so extensively) but i think it's kinda like an undercurrent. of the theme of God, where do you want me to go? what do you want me to do with this life?

and the answer lies in what the priest told me at confession the other day. it's really simple - be a joy to others

simple as that.
you dont need to climb mountains, or earn millions
you dont need dream residencies

you just need to bring joy to others

that's all i want to do.

dear God, please help me remember that when i make the choice on that day & also when i decide how to spend the 2 weeks after exams. 

okay i should study sebaceous cysts & stop getting distracted by holiday plans. LOL. what will be, will be.

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