Saturday, November 30, 2013

its saturday. i'm breathing. i'm blessed.

heard this song on the radio when i was driving to hosp one day. nice :)

many things to think about (as always). not doing as much in sip as i should be. i cant decide is it me or is it the surroundings or is it both. but we can't change our surroundings we can only change ourselves. i'm really tiring of this continually running forward.

i'm backsliding. sliding from where to where and in what way im not really sure. but i definitely can feel myself sliding precipitatiously down some unclear slope.

when one part goes, everything goes. you end up inefficient, snapping at everyone, mired in self doubt.

what happened to perfect love casts out fear?!

one step at a time. step 1: give it to God
i do realise that what im doing right now, even if it isnt my most fav part of medicine, is actually really meaningful. i actually know that and i actually do like the patients, they are all really cute and nice and all. i actually find a lot of meaning in optimizing them and i do feel that God is behind this whole specialty. i think that my ennui has a lot to do with exhaustion, stress and just generally the organ of determination and enthusiasm getting a little bit worn out. and unfortunately coffee prn isn't actually enough. i'll have to try chocolate prn. or running prn?

its funny how sometimes everything falls into place & u feel so useful & u also manage to outwardly show ur usefulness instead of just working behind the scenes. it's funny how sometimes it doesnt either. i guess its alot to do with luck and chance.

but i think whatever it is, i must make an effort, even if it kills me.

because if not, this will kill me. not physically, but it takes a toll mentally, spiritually, and just generally.

if i try & get rebuffed, then at least i can say i tried.
if i jump across an abyss and fall, at least i tried to cross the chasm.

step2: clear communication
this speaks for itself

step 3: bank of knowledge
step 4: physical time. come at 6am if i must.
step 5: emotional happiness
i think being happy is good, for obvious reasons. but staying up late to watch dramas to happify myself and negate negative things is... ESCAPISM and makes me sleepy the next day. i just need to find a quick happiness fix. which i dont know where to find it.

i guess sometimes its difficult to run to anyone (altho d on whatsapp is such. a. lifesaver) because everyone ultimately, does judge. and also i dont like emotionally depending or loading on anyone. and because you should be independant. and also people just like fun & games & no one likes negativity. but then again my whole life has been about turning not so funny things into funny things. useful defense mechanism huh. so it's not too bad. sometimes tho i just find myself wishing for someone i could run to to tell everything and... EVERYTHING but i think one human cannot suffice for everything. i think God is the One we should go to in such circumstances. humans can get compassion fatigue but God will never.

next week will be better :) i have faith in God.

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