Saturday, November 30, 2013

its saturday. i'm breathing. i'm blessed.

heard this song on the radio when i was driving to hosp one day. nice :)

many things to think about (as always). not doing as much in sip as i should be. i cant decide is it me or is it the surroundings or is it both. but we can't change our surroundings we can only change ourselves. i'm really tiring of this continually running forward.

i'm backsliding. sliding from where to where and in what way im not really sure. but i definitely can feel myself sliding precipitatiously down some unclear slope.

when one part goes, everything goes. you end up inefficient, snapping at everyone, mired in self doubt.

what happened to perfect love casts out fear?!

one step at a time. step 1: give it to God
i do realise that what im doing right now, even if it isnt my most fav part of medicine, is actually really meaningful. i actually know that and i actually do like the patients, they are all really cute and nice and all. i actually find a lot of meaning in optimizing them and i do feel that God is behind this whole specialty. i think that my ennui has a lot to do with exhaustion, stress and just generally the organ of determination and enthusiasm getting a little bit worn out. and unfortunately coffee prn isn't actually enough. i'll have to try chocolate prn. or running prn?

its funny how sometimes everything falls into place & u feel so useful & u also manage to outwardly show ur usefulness instead of just working behind the scenes. it's funny how sometimes it doesnt either. i guess its alot to do with luck and chance.

but i think whatever it is, i must make an effort, even if it kills me.

because if not, this will kill me. not physically, but it takes a toll mentally, spiritually, and just generally.

if i try & get rebuffed, then at least i can say i tried.
if i jump across an abyss and fall, at least i tried to cross the chasm.

step2: clear communication
this speaks for itself

step 3: bank of knowledge
step 4: physical time. come at 6am if i must.
step 5: emotional happiness
i think being happy is good, for obvious reasons. but staying up late to watch dramas to happify myself and negate negative things is... ESCAPISM and makes me sleepy the next day. i just need to find a quick happiness fix. which i dont know where to find it.

i guess sometimes its difficult to run to anyone (altho d on whatsapp is such. a. lifesaver) because everyone ultimately, does judge. and also i dont like emotionally depending or loading on anyone. and because you should be independant. and also people just like fun & games & no one likes negativity. but then again my whole life has been about turning not so funny things into funny things. useful defense mechanism huh. so it's not too bad. sometimes tho i just find myself wishing for someone i could run to to tell everything and... EVERYTHING but i think one human cannot suffice for everything. i think God is the One we should go to in such circumstances. humans can get compassion fatigue but God will never.

next week will be better :) i have faith in God.

Friday, November 29, 2013

It's really amazing how when you spend 5 mins a day in the morning to ask God for help & protect you from temptations thruout the day, things go so smoothly :)

Waking up earlier so u can actually round e pts less flurriedly also helps

Today my mo was eating baked beans which reminded me of pollock breakfasts ++  haha.

Tmr is bible study + brunch w a & n and weekend!!


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

it's okay

the days pass by in a blur of haziness. i dont quite think i'm doing my best, whatever it is
maybe this is post-euphoria syndrome kinda like post holiday syndrome

many things to think about, much of which i dont fully understand. suffice it to say that i really am not performing at 100% as a human being. i should be endlessly enthusiastic, compassionate and a paragon of peace. instead i am just really sleepy & inefficient. lots of things to do, but caught up in this ennui all of a sudden after three weeks of disneyland, is really blearifying

so i will talk about love today. watching reply 1994 really struck me like a baseball bat. friends & loves & being blinded by love &confessions. i guess i dont really wish to fall in crazy love, the kind where you shout your love from the rooftops & everyone thinks you're cuckoo. i guess i dont wish to have someone else control my emotions just by what they say or do, or the crazy mixed signals worse than morse code being flashed from a lighthouse by a manic lighthouse keeper. these things are strangely beautiful, in their own twisted way no doubt, but they are also things i dont particularly hanker to experience in the future. nevertheless, they are so beautiful. of confusion, circles of confusion. of people thinking they're helping me but yet not. but yet, i still feel grateful that they cared enough to try. at least i meant that much to someone in that time, enough to try. i guess whatever it is, even though every tide must subside, at the very least, to those who cared enough to spend those nights listening to me bare my soul, thank you. that is all. and years later, we're all sane again & happy & whole, and our past selves may continue along merrily, i hope

call me crazy, but i do believe there is beauty in these things

Saturday, November 23, 2013

a certain heart fluttering - r.a.d

something i am quite convicted about:

i have been calculating statistics, who goes where. but i think i shouldn't be swayed by that

the only qn must be: Where does God want me to go?

(in any case, the stats are equal for both. LOL)

above all things

the most momentous 3 weeks of my life have now officially ended
now all that's left to do is pass mbbs
apparently we only have 100 days
although to be very honest, i still dont know what i wanna do when i grow up
i'm quite satisfied with what i've done these 3 weeks
i wont look back with regret
moving forward
wherever i end up choosing and which ends up choosing me
i still have a long road of self-improvement & maturity
i think it sometimes can be really easy to tell others on hindsight, or to reassure yourself that whatever God wants, will come to be. as in, yes, i do believe that, but sometimes the fears & doubts & uncertainties just overwhelm. it's only human
and sometimes, like before these three weeks, i was able to let my peace cast away all those fears
but now, faced with the decision, questions & what-ifs & statistics flood my mind

all these what ifs
what if i dont get in as m5, it gets statistically worse
what if i pick them and they dont pick me
what if they pick me & i dont pick them

in times like this,
it isn't easy to let go of our human wants
you KNOW you should, but.... it's just human
but i guess i should try

there aren't any very obvious glaring signs
but then again, for me, it's always been a calling, something i knew in my heart, that directs my way. it's never been a well-lit path with clear signage. and the path has often been very, very rocky. 
the past both inspires & scares me
when i first came, i remember thinking that if God can do this, he can do anything, and if he wants me to, i can get into ___. 
but at the same time, with my history of un-linear pathways, and second chances, it really scares me. that i never really get into anything the first time round. 
dont get me wrong, i'm glad to eventually achieve my dreams despite not always fully deserving it
and i guess it does even out for not getting what i wished when i DID deserve it
it's just.... fear
honesty laid out, perfect love casts out fear, right? 

now that all's said & done, i think i need to go somewhere really quiet, away from the hustle & bustle of life, to ask God what he really wants me to do with this life
and whatever answer i hear
i'm going to write it down & seal it away and on 6th jan i will take it out and do what that says. 

and then, just trust. 
and try to pass mbbs. 

and i thank God for giving me two choices, both of which are good, both of which i have had nice experiences in, with nice people & friendly residents.
and i trust that wherever i end up going, He will bring me through it
no matter what hardships i might experience
and for the security in knowing that we did a good job this SIP, and for really nice consultants
these things really arent always guaranteed, and hence, for these three weeks, no matter what i end up doing the rest of my life, i am eternally grateful

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

in christ alone

all i ask is to come out unscathed
and that Your will be done
if this is what you have called me to do, then it will be so
& if it is not, i accept that, and i pray that You show me what you want me to do then. 
but bless me tomorrow, no matter what it may be
& dear God, since i can never ever read the future & can only do my best to try and guess, please bless these plans i lay before you

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Stunned at the goodness of God

I made a lot of promises.
I will not forget them.

Saturday, November 16, 2013


i was reading cliff's blog and this stood out to me:
  • Why am I so bent on wanting to get ______ (insert the thing you want)?
  • Have we ever stopped and pondered why this one thing is so important in our lives?
  • Has this one thing become our identity?
  • Is our lives incomplete without it?

sometimes, when we want something a lot, it consumes us. everything becomes devoted to that. we feel like we will crumble and die if it doesn't come to pass. & it ends up being a false idol to us. i can identify with that. 

this will NOT be a false idol to me.
on another note, if i can make it out alive by next sat, i'll be quite happy. that's all i want. to be ALIVE one week from today 

electric eels

i was right, these three weeks have been & will be the most intense three weeks everr

it was really fun though!! i loved it. learnt a lot from the past two weeks. super exhausted everyday, just come home & crash, but still really happy.

these say it better than i can

this is for
all the times i knew that i could have done it better,
but got caught up in philosophizing &
didn't really focus on the meat of the matter
i'm going to do what i can
(hopefully without getting distracted)
& God will do the rest
& if i don't get it
then i'll know either it isn't His will
or he knows a better way to climb the mountain. 
i'm sure he does, cos i really, really suck at mountain climbing

Monday, November 11, 2013

love love love

feel slightly desperate at the prospect of mini-cex on wed. ughhh. but nevermind, just keep on mugging! plan for tonight: thal, DM, JIA, CP, DMD, zzzzzzz

i was really happy today :):) makes me want to work a hundred times harder. 


i really want to eat waffles

all Important emails finally sent, now can focus on my mini-cex which is THIS FRI.


must pass (for obvious reasons), but how....

one thing at a time.

today's sermon came at an opportune time. we shouldn't carry our baggage with us. things might have happened a certain way in the past, but that doesnt mean it'll be like that in the future! let go of all the hurts and wrongdoings & be free. there was a lot more he said that was v good stuff unfortunately i can't remember any of it.

sigh okay must reach the ward before 7am cm!!

Sunday, November 10, 2013


really exhausting week, but yet feel really grateful that i've been learning a lot & given the opportunity to do a lot. the mos also always grab us aside to teach us things/ how to document properly in files/ present succinctly during ward rounds :)

two more weeks! i dont actually feel scared about what lies ahead, possibly cos im totally immune.

aim for today
1. finish typing out tutorials of the past week
2. try to sort out cardio
3. send in all the mandatory emails.

ps: to the dear kid who wrote me such an encouraging note, THANK YOU. you have no idea how much that encouraged me, and likely will for a long time. i can totally imagine on some night call in a few yrs time i'll be running from point A to B and i'll rmb how a 3 yo girl wrote a note to me telling me that God loves me.

good study yesterday with a & y :) thanks guys

Monday, November 4, 2013

Sunday, November 3, 2013

always be there

the next three weeks
i give them all to God
if the past 24 years have taught me anything,
its that God loves me & he's looking out for me 
(for us all, really)
he will NOT give me a stone if i ask for bread
i will NOT fall into a drain when looking up into heaven 
(i might walk into a glass door though, like the day i went to pick up my poster...)
but it'll be okay. i'll survive. haha!

i used to wonder, how can i overcome all these insurmountable hurdles
the answer is that, simply, i can't
my determination isn't enough, my human will isn't enough
it's literally impossible
my help comes from the Lord

here we go :) 
may whatever happen be the option by which i can do God's work; the work for which he created me and put me onto this earth
that's my only prayer
& may i accept whatever it is graciously

Saturday, November 2, 2013

that's life

I think my share of hard times, trials and dark nights
Are starting to wear on my soul
The pain can bring you purpose, a fire can leave you burning
But lately I've been feeling cold

But this has been my life, the good and the bad times
Leaving me a little broken inside

I guess that's life
It's complicated, awkward, it's a fight
With happiness and laughter intertwined,
It's tension and redemption in this life
We labor just to leave it all behind
Then lay the mysteries and memories aside
To step into the light
That's life

I can hear you whisper, I know you're drawing nearer
But I could not fall further away
And I don't know why I keep dreaming that one day life gets easy
Cause I don't want that anyway

Oh, I want real life, the good and the bad times
Cause it's how I know Your hope is alive

awesome song :):)

Friday, November 1, 2013


I'm miles away from seeing the story You're writing
When You give and You take, it's hard to embrace the timing
When I'm watching the walls burn to the ground around me
Just wanna know what it is You're trying to show me

I will walk through the fires of life
I will wait in the darkest of nights
I will follow You into the fight
If that's where You'll lead me
I don't know what You want me to see
But I know where You want me to be
Close to You with nothing between

I'm starting to see why this is called the narrow road
Cause if I wanna walk this way, oh I've gotta stay close
I'll leave anything in the fire to bring us together
I want nothing between my soul and my Savior

If it comes between You and me
Let it burn cause You're all I need

leap of faith

This too shall pass oh but it always comes back
And it's knocking upon your door
You say how did you find me here
Cause I've been running for years

Now you're back in the same place
You've been here before
Stuck in a maze trying to find an open door
Pray for the strength and take a leap of faith

You fail in your mind long before you ever try
Why do you believe those lies
You love to drown your fears
But you've been drowning for years in tears

So what are you waiting for
Cause there is a Saviour waiting to save you
What are you drowning for

leap of faith - sanctus real 



these lyrics speak to me so much. i've lived years of my life in fear. this year, i'm trying a mindset shift. maybe not the best year to do so, hahaha

but these words keep resonating in my mind: GOD WILL PROVIDE. 

on a random note, medicine posting is officially over!! it was surprisingly one of the best postings EVER. nice HOs, nice MOs, nice regs. nice personal supervisors!! quite glad we personally gave them their cards today actually + chocolate. they really went out of their way to find time to teach us things and show us signs. it ended really nicely, with watching a cool procedure, seeing a cool case in the morning, a lovely lunch at one of my fav places, and managing to find nice patients to practice long case on (plus seeing some really gouty tophi). and for the SIP portion, as i've mentioned before, we got really very close to the HOs and they let us do lots of stuff, and it just feels really nice. they kept telling me they trusted me haha which was really nice to hear. like...someone trusts ME?!! wow, first time i've heard that. pwahaha

paeds is coming up next. suffice it to say that i leave it and everything about the future wholly to God, who can undoubtedly manage it better than i can myself. i was pondering this the other day when running, and decided, that nevertheless, some things one must take into one's own hands, like perhaps if i want to reach botanics in 35mins i need to speed up NOW; and promptly stumbled over an unseen crevice on the sidewalk. i'm NOT EVEN KIDDING. so i leave it all to him :) for my part, i'm just going to have lots of fun, play with lots of kids, make their time in the hospital more fun, make friends with the hos and hopefully make their life less stressful LOL. and hopefully catch some of the clinics in my fav subspec :) that's all i ask for. oh and to pass the mini cex! haha.

more sanctus real goodness: we will never give up

We will not lose heart
We will not lose hope
When all we see is fading
We trust in what we know
We will never give up

Pressed on every side
Praying for escape
We can see the answer
That You're the only way
We will never give up

We will fix our eyes on the One who will last forever
We will hold on tight to the only real treasure
We will not lose heart
We will not lose hope

and my fav: "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)"

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...


Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...