Wednesday, October 30, 2013

run in such a way that you may obtain it

epiphany 101 

24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
1 corinthians 9:23-25

"they ran and strove to be foremost, who should get to the goal first and receive the prize, so should believers be emulous to outdo each other, to go before one another, in faith and holiness'

" as they ran in the way that was marked out for them, not turning to the right hand or the left, so should believers run in the way of salvation, which is Christ"

"The end of running is to obtain the prize, the incorruptible crown of eternal life; not that this is to be procured in a way of merit by running; for the best services of the saints have no merit in them, they are previously due to God, nor can they be profitable to him; and besides, are done by the assistance of his own grace and strength"

"nor is there any proportion between the best works of men, and this crown of glory, life, and righteousness"

"believers are to run on in their Christian race, that they may, and when they are come to the end of it they shall, as he that came foremost in the race did, stretch forth their hand, lay hold on, and receive the crown which the righteous Judge will give them"

actually, i think i have been mistaken. 
all this is inconsequential, unlikely as it may seem
i asked God, where should i apply to. He didnt give me any definite answer. he told me that it doesn't matter. 

this is the race i have to run: that no matter what happens in the future, whatever I do with this life, born out of God's promise, that may I do it for God. and as long as i do that, i will never regret, i will never go hungry and i will always know peace. 

i'm just submitting everything to give myself the widest range of chances. because i don't know precisely what's going to happen, so i'm submitting everything. not to the system, but to God. 

one down, 3 to go

at the end of it all, i want to say this:

 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

FAV VERSE OF ALL TIME. identify with this +++

also, med is ending and a new posting is coming up ahead. i have learnt so much these 6 weeks. not just in terms of short cases or how to survive as a house officer 101, but keeping the faith. fighting for what you know is right. fighting your own impulses to give in to stress, exhaustion, annoyance, selfishness, judging others. this isn't the end, it's just the beginning. keep jumping through the hoops and one day you'll be able to say that.

okay i should really go clerk some cases now. 3 more personal statements to go! i sincerely hope all the other deadlines haven't closed yet arghhhh


scrolling amongst my downloads to search for documents
this popped out at me :)

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


i was angsting to d about something or other & he replied "dont worry, God will provide you with sufficient ______"

that really struck me
God will provide

on the site i got this pic from, the accompanying reflection was that God never wastes any experiences; any hurt; any dream. He turns everything around for our good. 
in moments like this, when the future looks strangely dim, the past comforts me amazingly. i never thought at the time i'd look back fondly on all the difficult times and have it act as such a powerful reminder to me of how God literally works in our lives. 
as for dreams, do you know, even the minor small things i used to wish for and dream about, crazily enough came true. every small prayer no matter how insignificant and unimportant, as long as i held the prayer in some little corner of my heart

what more for the big things. 

the uncertain future is always scary. getting documents together last min is always scary. 
but these days, i'm over fear
perfect love casts out fear
whatever i've been doing since i came across this phrase, i've really been much less worried about what the future brings. it works magic for self doubt. 

it's all going to be okay. 

Monday, October 28, 2013

walk by faith

it used to be really difficult to submit to the unknown
but these days, it gets a little easier
somehow, i feel at peace with it all
i've spent so many years wondering what's around every bend and how many more hoops i have to jump through
but honestly, worrying doesn't change anything
the only thing that brings peace is faith. 

faith in His goodness
i believe 100% that whatever happens is for good
and if it isnt, He will definitely turn it into something good. 

Sunday, October 27, 2013

really grateful to the cardio dept for feeding us, teaching us and showing us v cool cardio cases these two days :)

Saturday, October 26, 2013

yawns lazy weekend. literally. there's a public holiday coming but it's a saturday!! arghh screams.

after a lecture about coronary artery disease, ate really unhealthy nasi lemak, after that felt.... really unhealthy. there were donuts too lol. came home specifically to run but the weather had other plans. guess my body needed the extremely long sleep. all i can remember of med sip + rev is... sleeping the moment i get home everyday.

i need to rev up!! peds coming. super excited. actually i just feel really tired. CONSTITUTIONAL SYMPTOMS. hopefully going for some sugar-infused fellowship the sat before peds starts, can recharge my batteries. i swear i run on cupcakes and chocolate. coffee dont do it for me anymore. and oh ENDORPHINS & punching & kicking. makes me feel so empowered lolol

aim for tomorrow is to somehow run. i dont know HOW that's going to happen but i'm going to make it happen.

Friday, October 25, 2013

smile again

beautiful song, beautiful contemp dance.

team A won tonight :):)

super happy!! it's like supporting a football team haha. i love mino the best of all omg his sparkly jacket.

i love their music, really speaks to the heart. and their story of underdogs somehow winning. i hope they succeed in their career that started today at 11pm kst. LOVE.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

these say it better than i could

nice range of cases today, good balance between practicing full physical exams and jkoh questions vs touch & go so as not to overclerk patients. and awesome comms tut and haemato tut (albeit rather sleepy ones).

thank you God for 24 years of being blessed. i think out of all those, the past 5-6 years have been hands down the happiest. thank you for medical school, it's a blessing i'll never forget and i promise to be the best doctor i can be, so as to attempt to repay this debt of gratitude and grace that is so great, i can never fully repay it. thank you for all the trials, tribulations, successes and triumphs these 24 years that have made me a better person, thank you for the random angels that have touched my life through the years, of which there have been many. thank you for the people that have walked in and out of my life, for those who have stayed, and for those who have yet to come.

Friday, October 18, 2013

on decision making

i like

your love never fails

funny how days you say a little prayer in the morning or before you drift off to sleep the night before always go much better :)

saw a whole array of amazing cases today
- ball & cage
- WD
- peripheral neuropathy

plus usual bread and butter (including course ilds, fine bronchiectasis....) haha.

and there was cake at night! i loveee cake!

actually the previous days have been good too just that i felt really low energy, for a variety of reasons. felt really nice to actually hids and strike gold and have people thank me for finding cases rather than freeloading off pple cases. i just felt like my case-mining was actually being productive for once. like i'm learning how to work the system EFFICIENTLY. funnily enough for first touch full exams i do do more when im freeloading (cos i wouldnt know the dx) but then again when i find the cases obv im not that surprised. but then i am also good at finding all the rare stuff ;p BALANCE. nevertheless, happifying +++

plan for next week includes making friends with the cts regs hahaha

i still believe

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
Seems I don't know where to start

But its now I feel your grace fall like rain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare

But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain

The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near.

one week of revision is over. i havent really started proper (more like dragging myself along) due to... flesh >> spirit. sigh. can't help it. viruses and physiological phenomenon. but the world didnt stop pouring medical knowledge into my brain, i just wasnt at the optimal state to receive it. NEVERTHELESS. there are 2 weeks more. 

now that the practical part is over, there is this sense of urgency hanging over us, that i have not felt to this extent before. part of me dislikes it, but part of me knows that this is something we've all grown up with, the fear of the looming big exam. but while i cant control what everyone else feels, i can control what i feel. i refuse to feel fear. i refuse to get sucked into this maelstrom; this merry go round. i refuse to use the excuse of stress to be a lesser human being (well until i start working hahaha i think call takes such a toll on a human being you'd need to be really a saint. but still. i'd try, yknow?). and the reason i am so uptight about not being uptight (haha) is because i KNOW myself and i know i fall into these traps easily. no such excuses as stress meaning i can snap at people. NO. SUCH. THING. it doesnt exist. i cant say i've done wonderfully thus far, but i can try better for next time :) oh i bought chocolates for my hos :) not all since i just randomly grabbed some from 7-11 the other day haha but twas nice to brighten up someone else's day :):)

somehow, when i tell myself that my only goal for mbbs is to never lose my God, i feel a hundred times more at peace than when i used to tell myself my goal is to finish xyz by such and such a time. becos humanly and from yrs of experience i never can make it. humanly it is impossible. but with God, anything is possible. 

i will never make the same mistake again

the ends never justify the means. 

His mercies start anew every morning. tomorrow's going to be a good day (literally, TGIF!) 

i still believe in your truth

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

potato star

today started out extremely angstily, but ended up pretty nice after all :)

1. french toast for brunch (did i mention how blessed i am)
2. caught up with the new dramas heirs & potato star. really makes me smile
3. my vague abdominal pains and urti have somehow dissipated and i think i will be able to go for a run soon :):)

seeing the silver lining in life again. i vow to always be happiness & light. one shld always learn from the past and not revisit the same mistakes. the past & its traps do NOT define us.

revise a little tonight so i dont appear TOO stupid cm
go early to trawl for cases so i'm not TOO useless

i found some chocolate!!!

*feeling really happy right now*

now all that's left is to heck care everything and read books the whole day

unfortunately i need to mug. sigh.

i think i will rather have endorphins and risk viral myocarditis?!! weighing risks & benefits....

really needs chocolate

sometimes one feels so super in need of chocolate
if only i could have a chocolate brownie from taka right now
and then go to borders and comfort-read from dawn to dusk
i'm sure i would come out of that a better person, ready to deal with anything i could possibly face; internal and external forces
ready to take on the world
darn the people who closed borders!! 

too many external influences these days: urti, pms, people affecting me more than they shld

really grateful to a & nat for listening to me
whenever i find time, i def must spend some time with all the lovely people who have always been there thru thick & thin (quite literally). i think that friendships that have stood the test of time, boredom, stress and everything are really valuable & i should not let medicine, beautiful and fantastic and jealous as it is, allow these friendships to erode away. time and again i realise that these friendships are so precious & must be treasured. 

plan for today: study 7th nerve palsy, study 6th nerve palsy, and find some way to get some endorphins. if only the greenish productive cough would stop. i need to manufacture augmentin + klacid in my backyard or something

Monday, October 14, 2013

at the end of the day

many thoughts

1) really miss SIP work, and my team!! i remember when we first switched teams i felt literally heartbroken about the amazing team we'd left behind; after 2 weeks of working with the 2nd team i can safely say they are VERY AWESOME too. from KE YI whom i last remember as an m5 SIP in ttsh enthusiastically teaching me about the macro and micro complications of dm to j who always lets us present new cases in the morning, so appreciated after years of feeling stifled and voiceless during morning rounds, to FARASAT my main ho the aspiring neurosurgeon (he really reminds me of the big bang theory dudes) who i have no idea why he trusted me so much at the end?! but it felt really nice to have them tell me they trusted me hehe. who is SO good with patients. to KK who i had the amazing call with and sanjana & mf & shuting! seriously such amazingly nice people. and of course the PROF who amongst other things always had very amusing analogies about the forest & getting eaten by the bear.

i really had no intention to impress or anything, i merely wanted to do as much as possible so i can have a pain-free transition when i finally start work. i think it started off really well when on the first day my con told me i was really proactive and that will serve me well wherever i go (!!) so that really inspired me to work even harder to prove his good first impression of us. and all the scoldings the con gave the team really caused us to feel very... bonded and shared camaraderie-ed. i was able to help out much more this 2 weeks and actually feel useful and i really loved that!! the feeling of feeling useful is so nice. i love my team ++ sobs now we are doing med student stuff again... it feels so super sian.

2)  sometimes people can really get you down. but i think that on balance, i am really blessed. that no matter what people do, even if they aren't very nice, you should try not to let it affect you. of course, it can be really difficult. we are all human. but then again, WE ARE ALL HUMAN. dont have any great expectations of anyone because usually, they wont be able to fulfil it. everyone has their own set of needs and wants and moods.

faced with nowhere to turn momentarily, i turned to God. i realised that He has given me so many blessings & happiness in this life, and that at the heart of it now, i am happy. and that not everyone is like that. and that we shouldnt judge anyone, even if they judge us, and even when they judge us to be judgemental. and that in this life, we are here to bring light and happiness and not to succumb to satan's prompting to descend into arguments and fighting. years ago, me and someone that meant a lot to me had such a long and prolonged disagreement and misunderstandings which scarred me for a long time & made me feel really confused and upset at such a deep and fun and lovely friendship which i had depended on so much shattering into a million pieces. although i dont know how much of it was meant to be and what my life course was meant to be or would have been nevertheless, i do know this much, that God did not make us to fight with each other and that all discord comes from satan. only good things come from God.

so i decided that no matter what happens, that i should turn my cheek if one cheek were to be slapped. that i wont let anything get to me even if anyone else were to be less than friendly, or irritated with me, or even downright dismissive or ridiculous. that i should dig up all the happiness and blessings i have received and try to show God's goodness through my actions instead of falling back into old habits or knee jerk reactions. when hurt, not to claw back like an injured cat, but to forgive & to forget. and that that may be one of the hardest things to learn in this life but that the end point will be one of the most worthwhile. because he has shown me so much goodness that maybe it is time, i learn to do what he would do, and not to only do what i know so well, what i would do.

so much words, but i think this says it the best:

"You are God’s representative in this earth. When you follow the Word of God and allow Him to work in your life, you are letting your light shine. When you are good to people and show them kindness, even when they don’t deserve it, you are shining your light. When you smile and keep a good attitude, even when things don’t go your way, you are setting an example so that people will glorify God in heaven. Notice this scripture says, “they will see your good works…” People aren’t impressed by our knowledge or what we say, people are drawn to God by our good works."

looking forward to fellowship on sat :):)

Sunday, October 13, 2013

medicine call

this was my first real medicine call. the sort where you don't sleep a wink, keep getting called at inopportune times, and get 101 cases. previously, they'd always shooed us off to sleep or cases would trickle in slowly. this time it was a combination of a) delugement and b) the super nicest ho in the world

although i had really wanted to experience an intense call of this sort as a student before i actually start working, i feel really bad for my HO; id be surprised if he doesnt have PTSD after this.

to cut a long story short, it was awesomely fun (except after around 5am where everything started to degennnnnn +++) i hope my ho doesnt have TOO much PTSD from this sigh. i really think hes a very good dr and he was honestly trying his best at everything. it's just CIRCUMSTANCES. anw i heard ho2 call and weekend calls are always KILLER

in any case, i learnt a lot from this call

and i came home and crashedd ++

and barring any further sudden urtis i will meet a&n for fellowship next sat :) sounds so promisingly nice.

i have many thoughts about last night's call but i dont know quite how to put it. something along the lines of, no matter how hard you try, it's never enough. there's something siphysean about it all. something superhuman to stay up all night and fight against time and still round the next day. and also that the first half was really such a fun time. sigh. i'll def buy my ho chocolates. he totally deserves it.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

try again

really lucky to have friends who arent afraid to tell me when i'm doing the wrong thing

something i realised about today is one wrong step can lead your heart away from God and lead to greater missteps. maybe i was hypoglycemic and tired which is why i did some things i now know i shouldn't have. maybe i was pmsing? whatever it is, it was wrong & i know that now.

so easy to brush these things under the carpet

i promise never to do those things again :)

for now, need to finish renal tut ppt in like 20 mins... sigh.

Monday, October 7, 2013

falling star

tiring day +++
managed to present 2 cases this morning, really grateful
then was able to help hos and new mos, so felt really useful. i love feeling useful!!

after exits wrote a blue letter then clerked for renal tut (until 10pm no less)

also, am learning a lot. and i feel really close to the HOs and MOs in the team, like really feel integrated, like never before. i LOVE this team whatsapp thingy

thoughts: i really am so blessed, that i should not complain about anything. in many ways. i would do well to remember that.

there is really a lot that i can improve on, both professionally & personally. so i'm not quite there yet, but getting there. every day is one step closer to it. just keep on going.

truthfully, i made some mistakes today, which i wont elaborate on. but definitely, they were made.
this made me feel less bad about it. i'm not perfect, but it's ok to be imperfect.

God loves and uses imperfect people. We all make mistakes. But because Jesus died and rose from the grave, every mistake we will make or ever make has been paid in full. Don’t let shame and guilt keep you from receiving God’s love any longer. Psalm 103:12 (NIV) says, “As far as the east is from the west, our sins are removed from God’s memory.” Since God has removed them from His memory, it’s time we do the same and move forward with God and receive His love and mercy.
You may have made mistakes, but God still believes in you, loves you and has an amazing future in store. Keep your heart toward God, and He will show Himself strong on your behalf!

Sunday, October 6, 2013

there are so many stars tonight

first medicine full call :)

... was really uneventful. LOL. i think i have really good call luck, cos the ho even asked us "which of u are the ones with such good call luck?!" my ortho ho also told me last time"i'm so glad it's you on call with me today!!" allowing me to feel flattered for all of 0.5 seconds before he continued "with your friend sin yuan ah, i couldnt even sit down until midnight!"

and though we all know that what's good for the hos isnt good for the med student who needs to learn lol, we did NOT eat any baos or take the last lift. promise. once we were going down to 7-11 and the last lift KEPT COMING but yj refusedd to take it so we had to walk to block 4 lifts. lol.

anyway did clerk quite a few cases by myself so not too bad. i love writing on the clerking sheet and filling it up lol cheap thrill. it's just that definitely they werent swamped with 21 cases or anything. and the ctsp for sob, the pt was saturating merrily away at 100%. the on call pple were most pleased i must say. HAHA. ended up sleeping at 350 after doing aic for my ho, at 5am was supposed to wake up to help the nurses with 6am bloods, but i muttered to yj "5 more mins..." and hence didnt wake up til MUCH later. and then ended up helping my team to preround and clerk a new case before running off to nus for neuro lectures. which obviously i fell asleep in ++ sigh but what i caught of it was good stuff.

ALSO i managed to take an abg and send off like 3 blues in the morning for my team *feels accomplished*

one more week to go!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

where when what how

halfway through medicine SIP!!

many thoughts, but essentially
1) it's really fun!
2) my first team was the most beautifulest team ever. the one now is good too but i absolutely LOVED the first one. we are still on the hos private whatsapp (btw in terms of privacy its okay since they just mostly ask each other like if anyone needs any help and who wants to go eat lunch. but we shld really quit the whatsapp group... lol. okay soon) and the camaraderie the hos have is SO heartwarming. i just feel so priviledged to have been in such a nice team and learnt so much from them. and the WHOLE team is bursting with awesomeness from the con who is also our personal supervisor and has been giving us some very intense tutorials to the mos. one mo actually msged me like 2-3 times the night before about the (very late) roster and told me he he hopes my next team is just as nice too and even smsed me the names and hp nos of the hos in the team he thought i'd be joining. where do they get these people from?!! i dont think i'm ever gg to find such a perfect team like eveR again sobs.

3) my second team is awesome too! i feel like we are also much more experienced (i swear on my first morning round i came earlier than any ho and spent a really long time trying to find the file, then a free comp, then i couldnt remember how to write a morning note suddenly, etc... haha). and MUCH better in terms of volunteering to clerk & present cases. feel like i've levelled up ++ like i'm better at knowing everything abt the patient without waiting for the ho/mo/reg to jump in and back me up. good stuff. and also they need us to help. feel so useful!! the first team everyone is so efficient i often felt i was slowing them down. like once i went back to re-copy down my own clerking so i can present to the con and i realised the nice mo was like actually patiently waiting for me to finish lol. the con is also extremely detailed which is good!!

4) i really like going to a&e to clerk cases!!
5) feel really exhausted everyday & just come home and CRASH and wake up at 10pm and go "oh shit" then bum/ study/ do random things until like midnight. and then sleep. sleep is NEVER enough somehow no matter how many such accidental naps i take.
6) we have been having amazing tutorials. really humbles me how much i have yet to learn, yet how much we've improved since m3 is really encouraging haha. the 1000 hour thingy seems to be working. like i finally understand the anaemia thingy. although everytime my haem tutor starts teaching us cheem haem stuff (other than anaemia) i start having brain fuzz. clearly i need to study more haem cos currently it's this huge black hole of knowledge for me.
7) call tomorrow!! then neuro lectures. anticipate extreme exhaustion. just hope i get to do some bloods & be useful to the ho and clerk lotsa cases!! excited :) but not TOO excited in the sense that medicine has taught me in general to not be too excited (if yknow what i mean). sometimes you're just chill 'bout it and it turns out awesome but if you anticipate too much then it turns out weird HAHA. funnily enough last call i thought the mo was kinda stressed at the beginning but she got really nice as the night went on! and the other day i accidentally crashed her paces tut since my tutor was giving it & she was really friendly haha.

i think one of the main things to know for being a ho is EFFICIENCY. must learn that.


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...