Saturday, June 29, 2013

wish

Even for the small things in life, I want to know His heart
I want to walk on that road, that narrow road
I want to know my smallness and know His greatness
Hope– I want to walk on that deep road
Rather than being a tall mountain, I hope to be a hill that can be climbed
Rather than shining light on my own path, if only I can shine on someone else’s path
Just as I’m singing, just as I’m saying
I hope I can live like that, I want to die like that
Even for one part of my life, I want to resemble Him
Love — I want to walk on that high road
- lee seung chul
i am in LOVE with his songs + lyrics! they have this mellowness to them plus introspection rarely seen in kpop. approximating poeticness as much as pop can have really. the lyrics above are simply amazing. they say what i want to, but can't find the words to express. 
even for the small things in life, i want to know His heart/ i want to walk on that road, that narrow road

can't think of anything truer than this. i know i haven't been the best lately, but not the worst either, right?! theres always room for improvement i guess. honestly ive been so caught up in cardiac trials and all their names and early morning ecg lectures i havent thought too much about it... but one of the reasons i am drawn to cardio is because i really like the idea of PCI saving lives. yes maybe its tv glam and the actual PCI is rather lengthy haha but still. i like the trials cos it fulfils my inner nerd... i love answering during tuts that in AF the target HR is 110 due to the RACE-2 trial. i get sooo much satisfaction from knowing that fact. basically cardio fulfils the dual loves i have for med - the nerdiness part and the humanity part. i actually think my tutor is one of the best and most humane drs i have ever seen. respect ++

haha anyway, it'll be such an awesome memory in my life, this 2 weeks. plus i was looking at some past yr qns and i think all the teaching on statins and htn and heart failure and warfarin will really help me in finals ++. really words cannot express my gratefulness. honestly all i signed up for was to hear murmurs and we learnt so much more than that.

so yes, it is difficult sometimes to keep your eyes on the whole point of our existance when u get distracted by all these cool exciting shiny stuff but i think that it can co-exist!!
~
I was the kid who kept falling and getting up and falling down again
With tears dropping and my heart crying, it was like that back then
My days are just like those times, things haven’t changed much
I’ve endured and endured and now I’m covered with scars
You’re going over there, you, whom I love
I want to catch you, I try to catch you but you’re a step farther
One Love One Life, you get fainter, I want to hold onto you more and more
I run on the run way, my heart is about to burst but don’t stop and just go
Run Way
I don’t know where I am and where to go
My shoulders and droopy and my footsteps are heavy, it’s hard
~

omg, this song really reminds me of nichole nordeman's i am. which is like the song of edinburgh, and the song of my life. maybe the whole point of this shebang was that i was supposed to come across this song which i would have never found otherwise?! haha ok prob not the only point. but a very large proportion prob

you watched my team win
you watched my team lose
you watched my bicycle go down again
and when i was weak
still i could call your name
and i said elbow healer, super hero
come if you can
and you said i am
only sixteen, life is so mean
you watched my heart break
and when i swore i'd never love again
and i said heartache healer, secret keeper
be my best friend
and you said i am

whenever i hear this song, i am strengthened. not becos of any flurry of gd things that may have happened like reccently (thank u though God we are def grateful!!), but because in spite of my inadequacies, i feel that God is there and has always been there. it's counterintuitive cos it's not that u are a fair-weather friend and curse when things dont go ur way, rather, the times that make your heart ache and how you found respite, peace in God then, somehow bolsters ur belief. it's the painful times he was there that means something to me not just the amazeballs miracles sprinkled thru my life (altho those obviously occupy a special place too).

relying on feel-good things dissapates quickly in a time-proportionate manner. remembering how God will always pick u up from the slumps to at least a neutral level somehow always sticks with you. when you are at your weakest, that is when he is at his strongest. somehow that gives me the most hope. that even if any difficult times come up, i know i can def handle it.

goals for m5
1. do it for God. i would not have made it to this day without him. i am certain that if he did not give me a certain miracle... i dont wanna know what would have happened. the tension might have killed me LOL. i dunno what do it for God means tbh but i guess it means study well to be a good doctor but be really nice and charitable to everyone even if i feel sleepy or snappy due to lack of sleep. i guess it means if a pt is overclerked to not go and disturb the patient. i guess it means to give my friends cases and brownies (i actually love doing these two things btw). the ends do NOT justify the means, just keep remembering that. i think there is prob more la but tts btw me and God heh. i trust that d they all will keep me on the right path.
honestly there is no point pushing it cos i just want to do what God wants me to do. its just that right now im not 100% clear as to what that is. so even if by some chance i push my way to the top and get sth it may not be what God wants. so i want this yr to be firstly and foremostly to put God first. like not to skip church to mug (guilty ++) cos what's the point. does this make any sense?! haha my convoluted logic. i think religion is both something that is v personal and also sth that has some underlying theology under it. but i'm getting closer to understanding all this as time goes along YES. to be really fair i think the edin yrs def brought me closer to God lah. so ok there was a purpose. haha

2. SLEEP BEFORE 10PM EVERYDAY. i was so freaking sleepy the whole electives cos electives mah can slack so i slept very late everyday haha
3. gym or run like at least... 3 times a week... seriously if i dont go, i just bum at home and watch dramas and eat cereal anw. its not exactly like im mugging my head off. so i might as well go. okay fine. two times. SANITY YKNOW

No comments:

Post a Comment

garage gym

random snippets of musings 1. i usually love poetry but the apocalyptic poetry felt... depressing for some reason. maybe the thing about th...