Monday, April 29, 2013

would we have been happy

after 7 shifts consecutively, so incredibly exhausted as if id just run a marathon. plenty to study but obviously i didnt study anything on my day off.

im sure some really complicated patient will come in tmr and i wont be able to say a single intelligent thing, oh well cest la vie.

been doing insidiously stupid things. or maybe im overthinking it. lets hope im overthinking it and actually they think i am really a great student. HAHA. i wish.

dear God, please help this week be really awesome, miraculously. thank you

sleepless night

its 530pm and i've only just woken up. i mean i have been awake since morning but i just felt sooo incredibly sleepy, like in this halfawake half asleep twilight zone...

after some reflection, i've decided that i must give it my all & finish this race. one more shift. with some luck, my intelligence level will rise by tmr, haha

i feel stressed. very very stressed. sigh. ENJOY THIS i keep telling myself & really i do, just that reality keeps intruding. ah well. glad for cute kids and friendly mos.

God has a plan. if i'm meant to do this, i will rise to the occasion and overcome all my shortcomings. if i'm not, then ideally i will survive this relatively unscathed without dragging down other people, and anyway, it won't matter too much then. in any case, i have an obligation to try  my best. and above and beyond


hi world, i'm halfway through!

a) still love kids
b) currently very sleepy. all these night shifts, it does burn u out eventually

as d says, dont worry about how they're going to mark u, just serve one master, not 2. that really hit home with me.

on the bright side, i have clerked many, many kids w fever & cough.

viral - dont give anything, it's self limiting. viral picture - there will be some degree of thrombocytopenia, etc
bacterial - look for source eg throat, URTI, ear, urine, stools etc. usually for throat/ear give amox or augmentin. and for kids with urti + background AR, give ZYRTEC and iliadin nasal decongestants. and if there is fever can give paracet alternating with brufen.

the other day my mo was ordering paracet and i was literally reading over his shoulder as usual when he asked "so usually for paracet, how much would you use?"
me *automatically* "10-15mg/kg"
him "no no i mean for yourself when you take paracet"
me "oHH... uh around 1 tablet?"
him "har, one tablet is enough meh? i usually need 2..."

Saturday, April 27, 2013

all this time

beautiful song :)

i remember that moment, i remember that pain
tears were falling
i know You saw me
so alone
i was doing my best trying to be strong
no one to turn to
that's when i met you

all this time
from the first tear cried
to today's sunrise
and every single moment in between
you were there
you were always there
you've been walking with me all this time

ever since that day
it's been clear to me
that no matter what comes,
you will never leave

and you're restoring
every heartache and failure
every broken dream
you're the God who rescued me

i hear these people asking me
how do i know what I believe
well i'm not the same me
i saw the proof i need


going for shift now. praying that i will do well & prove what i need to, not just for myself. praying also for journey safety for p. i feel ive become more responsible just this past week HAHA.

okay off now! :)

Thursday, April 25, 2013

fly to love

sleepy but v happy

having lotsa fun!! i really like handson clerking & seeing acute cases, and also the chance to clerk bread and butter stuff instead of just exotic cases.

the mo's comment about my stickers of woodland creatures was so LOL.

lots more to know, room to improve, and many days to go

i give it all to God.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

brilliant day involving a ce shift in the day & combat at night :):) was so incredibly happy. i think i might wanna do ce next time maybe??! today i fell in love with emed again. emed drs are like lit teachers. i remember staring at them as they discussed poetry with starry eyes. they just seem SO COOL and you just feel you can never be as awesome. they have this cowboyish thing going on, which i admire ++.

the thing about medical school is that as you understand things more, everything starts to fall into place. there was plenty of cough and RN discussion today as well as some other more cool stuff, but this time i actually understood what they were discussing about prolonged fever on amox and whether they should admit or not, and the decision to add augmentin, things like that, cos i'd actually mugged the guidelines beforehand. the resus cases made more sense post emed posting as well, and it was really brilliant to see them doing nasal suction & the kid improving because really young kids are obligate nasal breathers and hence if their noses get blocked they still continue breathing through it!! hence such a simple intervention can make such a big difference. of course the hood adrenaline came on after that

and i got to see t&s, and oh the highlight that makes me still giggle a little is the reg trying entonox on himself HAHA he was like "hmm i wonder if this will make me high *chuckles*.... nah, not much effect".

btw that dr was really so nice! poor thing though at one point he deeply sighed and wondered what he cld do to possibly get home in time to have dinner at his own house. and he was like so upset that he kept having to tell the pt "just one more pt and it's ur turn" for the procedure. it actually highlighted to me that sometimes we might feel we're really burnt out and stuff but yet we are actually still awesome, humane human beings.

sometimes you just get really inspired by lights at the end of the tunnel randomly. little kids grabbing my steth and listening to their own heart. that kid is really too cute. the way he looked up at me when i held his hand to walk him for the neuro exam!! cutenesss overload

also when S and i arrived in the morning the night shift dr brought us into a room and started quizzing us on x rays and going through case discussions (!!) and today i answered most of the questions correctly! granted, it's not like super difficult questions but just have this sense of satisfaction

ok list of things to study
1. anaphylaxis management
2. neonatal jaundice
3. approach to fever & rash
4. cxr and ecg reading [revise]
5. all the peds surg conditions

and thank you God, you promised the safety and indeed safety was assured. i am eternally grateful.

Friday, April 19, 2013


YAY IT'S OVER. most stressful week trying to tie up loose ends & with hardly any clinical exposure :( i was so sad, i love ward rounds so much

BUT now i'm finished! i just need to write an amazing paper once my internship is over. hahaha. good luck to me on that.

learnt about maple syrup urine disease today!

so elective is officially over, i can safely conclude now that it's all over that they are awesome people and great clinicians and compassionate doctors, and i idolize practically everyone in that department.

thank you God for a lovely posting :)

just a little bit

currently in this i-am-so-tired i cant do this anymore stage. ugh. just ugh. i'm beginning to think it's a really good idea that i went for holidays before all this started


neuromet rounds later = LOVE.


Thursday, April 18, 2013


hi world
1. i am currently v jittery abt something. i think God has promised me that it will be okay & so i shouldnt doubt but you know it's not like i have a direct skype connection with Him or something.

2. i need to write up my findings by tomorrow, i guess, since it's the last day of the posting?! there are tons of loose ends too and also i'm really sleepy. and how can i produce anything of any substance is quite beyond me.

3. peds internship. stress. nuff said. oh i studied GE just now. holliday segar! if severe dehyd give fluid bolus 20mls/kg and if mild/ mod try oral rehydration salts first, 5kg kid give 1 sachet per hr - each sachet is 62.5ml. I'M SET.

C'EST LA VIE. i hope i survive tomorrow. and saturday. and the next three weeks.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

one week more

this never fails to calm my nerves
at the very least, i'm going to be really knowledgeable after this is all over
yesterday, i felt reaffirmed that this is the way
i'll get back to you in a few yrs to let you know if observed = expected, and if p was less than 0.05.... 

collecting scrubs next week... EXCITED MAX :):) mugging febrile fits now. maybe i shld have mugged this BEFORE my neuro posting. nvm. 

mind sync

so pretty! something about this song is so addicting

what i will do better
1. mug more. like obviously. like STARTING NOW.

also, how teethachingly cute this all is.
reg doing mental state exam 3 step command "fold the paper, give it to your dad, and.... pick up your bear!"

Friday, April 12, 2013

if he brings you to it, he will bring you through it

on one hand,
i feel it's cliche to ask for help
on the other hand, i really need it

so i'll say this instead
really grateful for all the opportunities that have come my way. medicine, although i am so inadequate and have such a long way to go, i still get to enjoy all the cool aspects. all the exotic neuro diseases, i really love it. even though research is always tough , i love that moment of OOH this is so awesome i always get 

SO i guess, yes, i could know more, i could have a time turner and go for every ward round and also yet finish my project. i could be a good luck charm, a four leaf clover and cause every project i do to go magically and attract international conferences like bees to honey. 

i could be perfect, but instead, life throws me all these fantastic opportunities and experiences that i dont deserve, being thusly imperfect. i am grateful :) now i aim to finish up this month with

a) a significant result for my project and a pretty paper written up by thurs midnight
b) the neuro people not having too bad an impression of me.
c) joining at least one clinic for gen neuro conditions and seeing cool stuff (ie, need to finish research earlier)

and also mug gen peds stuff for next month

no idea how i'm going to succeed in all of this but trusting in God as always. God is good and He has called me to this path i believe. and what he brings me to, he will get me through it. i strongly strongly believe this. and therefore, it will work out.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

take the world on

ah i love rounds so much. cept it's really embarrassing when i dont know anything, haha. like vincristine causes peripheral neuropathy, factoid of the day. the con asked me today "are u m3 or m5?" well technically still m4 electives right?! anyway. who knew that abt vincristine man!! anyway he's really nice & patient & a great teacher. today was epic he was asking the mos and regs qns and then they all went to help out w clinic so he turned to me and started directing qns at me hahaha. LEARNING OPPORTUNITY.

can they please all give us spss on our laptops, or extend the spss lab hours... or something... how is anyone supposed to do any research like this -_-

on a happy note, i saw emg and nerve conduction today!!! so coool! the con seemed really surprised that its the first time ive ever seen it haha wellllll our int med neuro is just tuts and we dont really get to follow clinics thennnn that's why! but hey i've seen it now.

a whatsapped me today saying "e i got a miracle!!!" i loveee that there is someone i can whatsapp about all this who GETS IT.

yknow things dont happen coincidentally
just on sunday i was so high (well spss hadnt cut out on me yet) & all waxing about trusting God. and then suddenly i become confronted with gaps to fill

there is a Message somewhere, in all of this. i'll let u know what it is when i figure it out. the gospel reccently was about doubting thomas i think and i was rushing somewhere on public transport myself and i was like ..... !!

on another note the current con specializes in demyelinating diseases which is SO COOL i really want to go for his clinic, but ummm after today when he asked "so can you think of any axonal diseases" after i exhausted the list of demyelinating diseases and i was stuck (honestly i still dont know, that's not an algorithm they teach in med sch leh, maybe they teach it in m5 gen med posting i dunno i cant read the future yo), ummm.... i might be decreasing my chances of pedsresidency exponentially if i turned up for his clinic hahahaha. and neither do i have any time to read unless i want another neverending story with this project, which just NO, dont get me wrong i love the topic but i think i shld be efficient ah this time. CHOICES CHOICES. maybe his clinic will be v busy and he wont ask me any qns. and he isnt on the committee for residency anw. argh cos i just know he will see all these cool exotic conditions!!! zebrassss. maybe i'll read oxford handbook really quickly between pts.

Monday, April 8, 2013

mocha days

today someone asked me "have you ever experienced God answering a prayer?"

haha, i think it would be easier to ask, have you ever experienced God not answering a prayer? the answer would be - no. maybe delayed, but - no.

just to say that i never want to forget how much of a miracle this all is. i mean, what im currently doing. it's so lovely even compared to, let's see, EVERY POSTING I'VE EVER DONE. plus i love the subject matter. come what may, i just want to remember these past two weeks, as being unblemishedly fantastic, a real gift from God.

i mean, all these have been gifts from God. but this really is like the gift. for all those times spent doubting my calling. for all those nights spent weighing medicine vs sanity and choosing medicine every time, trusting God to light the way when i could not see to the end of the path. for the times when i was doing things that i knew was right, but somehow in the day-to-day of it, it just felt really difficult. for the times when i was confused as to whether i should be happy or sad. well, then surgery hit, and o&g, and things like that. and i haven't thought much about things lately, save for OMG WHAT RESIDENCY TO DO, and argh does this consultant like me or dislike me?! and omg minicex tmr, and things like that. it isnt very philosophical anymore, haha.

in summary: thank you God for the past wonderful two weeks. it's really a thousand times better than i could ever have imagined. please please help the next two weeks to be great too, and let me see loads of things and have lots of exposure to all facets of neuro & help the dept to not think i am too stupid, with some luck, haha. please, because this means a lot a lot to me. to be honest, before all this started, i didnt dare to hope too much precisely because of how much i wanted to do this. i keep telling myself when im in one hospital that it doesnt matter what i do cos i'll just apply residency in the other one, HAHA, but i think eventually i have to leave a good impression somewhere. but now that i'm halfway through and i like the dept so much, please help me to survive without doing anything too silly. and please let them not think i am ponning ward rounds when actually the ward rounds is like a carrot for the incentive of finishing research faster (also spss will go off in a few days bummer) and also i am not duke and hence i dont actually have to go for ward rounds. and also becos i am longing to go for ward rounds!! which is why i do crazy things like go back on sat to the horror of the HOs, haha.

much gratitude, for everything, me.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

saturday morning coffee

i was supposed to sleep early to embark on my weekend all pumped up, buttt i spent the time instead reflecting on what it means to be a good doctor. sometimes i feel that what patients know about their doctors & their capability really is all about how the doctor makes them feel during the consult. well, duh, it's not like they can shadow/stalk doctors all day round like we do.

i guessss part of medical training, apart from the mugging which obviously has to be done, some topics being more interesting than others, is the making people like you in 5 mins thing which CCK taught us. its really difficult!!

another thing im really impressed about is how much my tutor cares about his patients. i highly doubt he's quite as impressed by MY clinical acumen though, hahaha, but nevermind, honestly i'm quite off all this whooo impress people to get residency thing, partly cos im quite aware that that's not how i'm going to get it (dont ask me how i intend to get it cos i dun actually know). i'm currently living with the enjoy postings to the fullest and experience as much as possible philosophy.

Friday, April 5, 2013



all of it is waaay over my head, but just feel so privileged to be exposed to all of this fascinating stuff. honestly i dont know if i can ever get to the level of knowledge that these people have, but in terms of learning new stuff, it's a really great experience

i've managed to go for a few ward rounds by doing data entry at night instead, hopefully i can finish this wkend and analyse before my spss trial runs out, and then it'll be 2 solid weeks of ward rounds + clinic! woots.

also juliet is the HO in my ward now :)

very very chronic sleep deprivation. electives is SO different in that you arent thinking "hm if i zhao now will they mark me down", you really wanna stay for stuff.

random nice song - help me find a way by lunafly


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...