Saturday, December 8, 2012

the heart project


the past week of ent has actually been quite nice! i'm not planning to do it as a career for sure, but it's been a rather nice time enjoying the beautiful ambience and nice atmosphere of ktph. almost like going for a resort holiday LOL. never thought i'd say that about a hospital! i actually began to rethink my life plans, if i apply nhg for internal medicine i get the famed ttsh teaching and the lovely atmosphere of ktph [plus the teaching is not too bad either] haha.

that aside, i think it's time to buck up and start the ball rolling
there are so many things to do, and so little time
(what's new)
research vs mugging, what shall i do now?
 i was thinking about it and procrastinating and not knowing what to say in emails and guh i hate formal emails

and eventually i decided a plan of action
1. pray about it and give it all to God. not just the endpoint, but the means to the end
2. make sure i go to church every. single. week.
3. between now and the end of M4, go CMG bible study at least ONCE
4. do something nice for someone everyday. okay. maybe week. HAHA. i mean something out-of-the-ordinary nice. kinda inspired by my o&g partner. i mean i like to think im generally quite nice to fellow human beings on a normal basis but id like to do sth that has no bearing whatsoever on me as in that i have no vested interest in
5. to organize my life (this is like entropy. IT NEVER GETS ORGANIZED fully)


the thing is it's difficult to quantify how best to live a christian life, in practical terms. i guess i know most of the theory. but it's always in times when you forget or get frazzled and get snappy/ shouty at others. just when your guard is down, and you do something, and you think after that 'oops that wasnt really the best thing to do was it'. i know i'm not egregiously horrible but im sure loads of things add up somehow

and then all that has absolutely no direct impact on the constant striving for things
anyway, i totally suck at the striving for things, let alone achieving of things
i know i always get things i dont deserve and there is no point at all just blindly reaching for them and ignoring the rest of life; this is a tenet that no one can discourage me from believing coz i have LIVED THRU THIS and learnt painful lessons so thankyou very much, i think i will go with what i know.

but that said, i'm not trying to be a good person coz i think that will equate to worldly achievements;that's like kinda the prosperity gospel without money involved hahaha. and... i dont believe in the prosperity gospel haha

im doing it cos a) in general, i prize the whole being a good christian thing, a lot.
b) this verse which i will forever remb jo ooi telling us during one pccf bible study. pccf is really love. i identified so so much with sophie that day during lunch when she told me that she feels God really called her to do medicine overseas coz the fellowship there is really good and she feels much closer to God there etc. I TOTALLY GET IT.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will
romans 12:2
if i remember, it was something along the lines of if you do what you know God would want you to do ie WWJD, not living according to what the world tells you to do, you will be able to discern and experience his will; what he wants you to do. that not being everydayish things i presume, but the big impt decisions in life (if not it becomes a tautology/ grammar confusion lol).

Because God is omniscient, He knows what He will accomplish in us. He knows what we will do, and what we would do, in any given circumstance. Thus, His plans for us will never fail; they will never be flawed by some missing piece of information, some unknown detail. God's plan and purpose for each and every believer is for our good, and for His glory. (ie And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose romans 8:28; another of the pccf-linked verses in my mind haha)

the reason i'm working through the logic here is coz, obviously, sometimes i wonder if it makes... sense. and i dont want to be a good person just coz i want to achieve something. i mean i've been there, done that for trying to achieve things on my own steam, determination and trying every way and means. the means must justify the ends; the ends do not ever justify the means. i used to think my life philosophy was determination, and plowing through things at all cost. nope, no longer. it doesnt work anyway guys, trust me on this one

that said, if i really believed that being a good person = magically i will get what i want, i guess that speaks for my utmost belief in God. which is good. haha

i guess you can think about it this way, good person = closer to God, know his perfect will = make life decisions based on that = manage to 'achieve' in the sense that it's what He has planned, cos u managed to discern properly so u chose the right path, so it worked out.

so that's what i'm aspiring to.
i'm not sure if my newish philosophy is really going to work
and i mean, in the end, i still work hard anyway (generally, ive totally been on a holiday in lala land since o&g ended)

but if it really works;
i'll let you know

until then, i think i should watch webcasts

oh i havent solved the dilemna of how to be a good person, i've only justified to myself that one should be a good person (no shit). well. it's difficulttt. i think i'll be trying to work on that for a loooong time to come hahaha

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