Thursday, November 8, 2012

sunshine



this song is so pretty :)

so continuing my highly unexciting life, i really need to finish my gyne writeup in the next 2 hours and send it off. just received the really terrifically bad feedback about my obs writeup SOB so better do this properly. actually i knew the stuff just didnt write it down bleh i guess i can't assume that everyone knows it so i shouldnt say the obvious, since med students often dont know things anywaY.

all i did yesterday is... uhh... gym. oh well. it makes me feel really badass, which i love. like i feel that if one day i need to fight anyone in a dark alley with flying kicks and karate chops, i totally could. i probably can't, but it's nice to have that self-confidence of fighting to the end lol.

we've been having a lot of exhausting slides teaching which are EXCELLENT, not to mention hilarious thanks to the sarcasm of the tutors. one slide was of a foot presentation during delivery and the person doing the slide was totally stumped so the tutor kept going "what has 5 small round things? and CREASES?" and everyone was giggling and the person still didnt know heh.

been thinking a lot lately, my general philosophy on life is that when things are confusing/uncertain/ notsure why it's that way, there are always lessons to be learned & things to be improved.

also i'm beginning to waver towards psych [even tho i now no longer have any psych electives, good job...]. i just feel like it's a very meaningful specialty and also is intellectually interesting. i mean the workings of the mind! plus i'm relatively good at it [the first standardized patient encounter was a FLUKE hahaha subsequent ones people all said i was good okaayyy]. unlike geri which makes me really feel depressed all day long, and makes me feel like life is NOTWORTHLIVING & we're all going to die horrible deaths alone in hospitals with no kith or kin who care about us and dpfghdfljg it's just souldestroying. im sorry. think geri is really meaningful too, and palliative too, and i really admired the work the palliative doctors did during my 1 week rotation in ttsh pall med, and they were really kind, inspiring and charismatic people, but it takes a certain character to do it and i dont have that character/ it feeds in too much into my fears. whereas while i used to always say I'M LOSING IT, i dont really have an innate fear of going crazy or anything. yeah, who would have though lol. as in i dont think the point is to do something which makes you literally unhappy since the special feature of medical training is you take something you love and are crazy about and do calls/ overtime until you just want to explode, so you better really like & enjoy it superbly to begin with.

*justifies self*

anyway but im just beginning to think that id like to do something more for the good of others rather than pursue one of those -academic- pathways where you do subspecialties in exciting sounding things cos they just sound so cool, and have politics, and things like that. i just want to help people. cheesy as that sounds. also it's silly since i've been so wrapped up in day to day surviving and tons of papers and computers that i doubt ive helped anyone much since the start of med sch. or a levels. or secondary sch. or... it goes a long way back, you get the idea. as in basically i dont want to have to think so much about the background mechanism and just have patients be a whole pile of blue letters to see, or something. but then again, with caseload, it just inevitably piles up. im sure doctors care somewhere inside of them that their patients do ok (plus, obviously there is some inherent selfinterest in that it's bad if they dont do well lol).

then again, if i do child psych, it's totally going back to what i love to do anyway aka peds so it's more self-serving than others-serving, since i'm doing what makes me happy.

and then again, what's wrong with doing what makes you happy?!

on that note, shall finish my gyne writeup discussion. HAI

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