Tuesday, November 13, 2012

it's like that anyway

random stuff first

i love how in o&g the first thing you always say (apart from "i would watch and observe") is "i will call for help" and "don't panic". HAHAH. i mean... can you imagine saying that during your gen surg short case or something. but really for shoulder dystocia the first thing is CALL FOR HELP before doing the mc roberts, etc etc. in fact the memonic is HELLPER. haha. anyway

even though o&g is EXTREMELY stressful, i'm enjoying the experience in a weird kinda way. like in a we're all in this together kinda way. i won't lie and say that it's a completely bump-free holiday in neverland, but it's kind of like a marathon i didnt train properly for, but completed anyway. it's kind of like how in cross, people clap to encourage each other when they pass each other on a trail deep in the forest even if they dont really know each other. it's enough that on a random saturday, two human beings are running in the forest and at risk of being mauled by monkeys. it's just kinda weirdly enjoyable. if we survive the final days of the posting, that is. aughh. i also kinda liked having another person under the same tutor as me haha so it was quite fun discussing stuff

some pseudophilosophical thoughts in my mind:
i ve always wondered why specifically must i go to edin, and come back. coz i am 100% certain that both events were miracles beyond my comphrehension, beyond my ability and what i deserve, so there must be something in the specificity of it all, of this unique thing that no-one except me has done. [okay and maybe one or two others.]

there are a few things i can think of with some hindsight - the whole thing definitely brought me closer to God. when i read around the time when i was still unsure of whether it would all work or not, i am stunned at the sheer tenacity and maturity of faith that comes through. ok, granted, i do know that i wasnt feeling too great or mature at the time, i think more than anything i was confused, because i kind of did have this sense that it would work out, yet it didnt seem to be working, so i wasn't sure why i had these desires and wants and why i couldnt just calmly live my life not wishing for something impossible.

but even when i was truthfully documenting my confusion down, i think it comes through that i ultimately held on to the goodness of God. and that i just wanted the people around me to believe in the goodness of him too. in the end, i didn't ever want this for the sake of achievement, like oh i am v pro [which anyway i know to be untrue] or whatever, i mostly wanted the people around me to believe in his Goodness again. it really hurt me that i had nothing to show to prove how good he was. how i could believe in his Goodness through all of that, lol, i have no idea. i think there are definitely lesser things; material; mortal things that i have easily lost faith through. petty squabbles that no longer mean anything, soap bubbles, wine that evaporates overnight. so i'm really glad for that :) it makes me so proud of my past self to know that i conducted myself well in the past. not so sure if ive conducted myself quite so well since then, but oh well, haha.

another thing is that it really made me appreciate medicine a lot more. i mean yea of course it's my dream, something ive always wanted, etc. i guess reccently as i come to think about my residency choices and want peds a lot, similar to my medicine-obsession since jc, i've sort of lost the gratitude and appreciation of the whole medicine thing. i spend my time wondering if i'm worthy, wondering why i cant ever get beyond the 50th percentile of the class, going on sundays to clerk patients [only during this rotation; well okay we dont have a choice since we already get massacred at ward rounds on mondays even when going, imagine if we have nothing to say, hahaha!].

but you know, honestly, so many miracles have already occured that i dont think i can and should be so greedy about it. after all, medicine is something i wished for so badly that sometimes, the only thing keeping me in the balance was this bright dream, the compulsive feeling that this is it, this is worth it even though it's hard. even when other people tell me things that tip the balance, i gritted my teeth and stuck it through, because medicine really did mean that much to me. i guess in a time where it's all so easy and taken for granted, when your thoughts are on higher things [and i mean like on post-grad stuff, not on more virtuous and commendable thoughts], you dont really sit here and think "wow, i love medicine so so much that even if people or situations are not ideal, it doesnt matter cos i have medicine!! *hugs davidsons*"

haha kidding, but you get the idea

i mean but i think, it's good to focus on the future too, for obvious reasons, God gave us talents and we're not supposed to bury them and wait for him to return, we're supposed to use them wisely for his glory.

just that, on reflection, i think that love for God and love for medicine are 2 great gifts that he gave me. maybe i could have honed these anyway if i'd gotten the normal thing. but then again, who ever knows right. i think its far more likely that id just spend my time caught up in revision, with the only angst being about each upcoming test (like right now... haha).

so it's good.

and about residency, maybe o&g has just turned my brain into mush but honestly i dont really care too much anymore. i'll apply for my dreams and also for transitional year i guess, but i think ultimately God will lead me. and that's the best, isn't it?

and yeah maybe i've said this a hundred times before, these thoughts, but not with such clarity LOL.
i just feel very chillax now, even though i should feel very stressed about exams. they just come and go and it's like okay whateveR.

things i want to do at some point
1. go for the catholic medical guild bible study [maybe wait til d comes back for hols then go with him??]
2. the kids ministry in church needs help. they're 5-6yo. arghhhh!! i so so want to do this
3. find a residency/ future career in which i can bring the greatest glory to God. currently, im actually of the belief that peds is oversuscribed and psych can help depressed people which is definitely doing God's work. it's just that i love peds, and... sigh.... that said, i mean children are close to the Kingdom of God, so it isnt wrong to love them, right? and i mean helping little children get well is always good. i'm sure God might just as well say "thank you for sacrificing all those weekends to do calls to help those little kids with asthma/ febrile fits/ GE" as well as "thank you for helping all those 10000 depressed people". and it's not like i came into medicine with the express purpose to do psych stuff anyway... but i do like the brain, it's a fascinating organ. but then again i wanted to be a surgeon/ neurosurgeon. my password for many years was surgeon101. HAHA. so.

No comments:

Post a Comment

garage gym

random snippets of musings 1. i usually love poetry but the apocalyptic poetry felt... depressing for some reason. maybe the thing about th...