Wednesday, October 31, 2012

same love same farewell

more urban zapaka :)

2.5 more weeks and this posting will be over!! between then i need to do both mini-cexes, finish up both writeups, and study for eopt. zzzzzzzzz.

anyway had some rather negative experiences today, which usually i try not to document HAHA but i decided to this time, because it reminded me of some important things

- people who arent nice to you arent worth your time
- people who judge you/ others based on a one-off thing, or superficially, are really the worst sort
- i've really been soakin' in the love for so long now that it's actually really long since anyone has been nasty to me; in fact i cant remember when was the last time anyone was less than lovely to me (surgeons excluded from this analysis).

anyway its just disgusting so i dont wanna say much, but just glad that i know now. some specimens of humankind are really not human sometimes i think

also - hurricane sandy = ughh. hope everyone is okay. clearly there are much more worse things in life than just an angsty day or a passing cutting comment (or quite a few actually, it made for quite a funny story to retell. thanks for that.)

Sunday, October 28, 2012


even if it's not you, even if it's someone better, they won't pass by like a flowing river

even if you understand, even if you throw the world away
when time passes, you will know
you dont have to understand things that are not understandable
you just have to believe in it
urban zapaka -- river

i think my writeup is around 80% complete? yay

Saturday, October 27, 2012

one more step

it's one of those weekends where you literally cant bring yourself to do ANYTHING.

i'm not even kidding.

unfortunately for me, here's what i had needed to do, which would have been difficult even had i been extremely motivated and productive

1. 2 case write ups, one obstetrics and one gynecology
2. mug for mini-cex to be done on monday, i presume either on antenatal care or post-menopausal bleeding.
3. go back to hospital to clerk a case for ward rounds on mon, becos ah sigh i wont get into it. but yes i guess it is good to clerk more cases, if only i didnt already feel like i was sinking in an OCEAN OF UNSTOPPABLE O&G WHICH I JUST WANT TO STOP NOW AURGH. yes. okay. i will be a good girl and clerk more tmr cos this will really benefit me. if i dont lose my sanity by the end of this.

4. watch a 1.5 hr online lecture on genital prolapse and do the accompanying mcq so i can take the end of posting test. yes. i so cant wait for this lovely test!!
5. synthesize all the lectures we've been having, for aforementioned end of posting test

unfortunately i'm having some weird gastric dyspepsia (??) lower abdo pain, but not the -usual- stuff which mandates that I CAN TAKE A DAY OFF. so anyway i've managed to waste the day away which means i have to do all of the above tomorrow! in which i was intending to gym + go church. that may or may not be possible anyway as horrific cramps may hit tomorrow in which case i wont do ANYTHING.

productivity at it's extreme

i am really so screwed.

darn this dyspepsia. i dont understand it. just be full blown cramps!! how can mild dyspepsia derail like. EVERYTHING.

anyway hopefully after typing this i can bring myself to do at least 90% of writeup, and do the genital prolapse lecture (too much optimism here i fear). i just aim for around 3 pages of writeup. cos this is just too painful for words

and hopefully i can drag myself to hospital tmr to clerk my assigned beds and get all the missing random details about my case writeups

and hopefully i can drag myself to hospital on mon without too much abdominal cramps and present cases and hand up case writeups and do mini-cex.



lots of chocolate today :):)

thanks guys x 100. you bet i will bake lots of cakes for you guys in the future hahaha. requests now open. except if you want me to make like hogwarts i think that might be difficult to transport/ hide in a fridge LOL. not to mention actually making it ;p

no really. this even beats my biggest surprise (all my friends bursting into my flat in the middle of a skype conversation at midnight, i used to think that was the best birthday one could ever have, and felt really loved that night, and i still think it's an awesome memory to have)

somehow, this is really really lovely, it kind of tops even that in the lists of bests. in the middle of an extremely busy posting, to take the effort to plan out something, the time to to meander from place to place, it really means a lot to me. maybe it's because no matter how hardworking/ unhardworking/ confused about how hardworking we should or want to be --> me lol, we're all in this together. and med school is such a high-emotion, high stress, fun & exciting and endlessly discussable... beast that the bonds formed are something special.

i guess i just want to thank God that med sch is associated with so much happiness in my life, and that i have had such great friends in med school. when getting in, i am pretty sure that i wanted to get in so much that i always thought the friends component wasnt really important. but it really IS. it makes the dull, long parts so much more entertaining. and as we well know, it isnt all OH A BABY'S COMING OUT!! x 100, it's like looong waits in between, and excitement while there, is really opportunistic. plus, what's the point of an exciting or funny thing if you cant share it with anyone later

thank you guys for being there and for sharing all the exciting & funny things haha. i think that's what made the chocolate cake taste so sweet. even tho we also know we arent as happening as we somehow are reputed to be (lol?!) i think it's very genuine & sincere and just generally awesome.

also YES i finally have people to watch playhouse with!!! HUZZAH. i hope so. c please get into playhouse so we can all go to watch.

Friday, October 26, 2012

touch the sky

stream of consciousness:
yay long weekend just bumming around
i sincerely hope there's no clinics today since clearly im not there... shouldnt have clinics on public holidays right?!!

oh my birthday was the other day, it was pretty nice :) first i was pretty happy for the few days preceding (no idea why, but who's complaining right) then on the actual day itself we were just hanging round labor ward and we saw ECV!! which is SO RARE to see since most people do c-section. then upon further hanging around, a patient suddenly delivered. plus my friend who was on call had clerked her previously so she allowed us to watch. the baby was really cute too. YAY. plus the epistotomy session makes so much more sense now that i've watched the mo stitch her up. then there was fruitcake at night. oh and it was really nice to wake up to birthday messages. drenched in performance tasks and exams we used to scoff at the idea that rg/ rj would be the best times of our lives & the friends we made would be forever but we're like lightyears away from those now and nic, manyun, and nandita are still around *hearts* its really interesting to see how the wall of messages changes as time goes by. i guess it does really show you which of your friends endured LOL, and how your friends have changed as life goes on. but then again, to me, it's way more important to have lots of friends whereever you are [like if all your friends are somewhere else it clearly doesnt help very much] haha. so yay. i really felt teh love :)

just submitted 2 self arranged proposals for electives, FINALLY.
going for combat now! heck case writeup.

3 weeks in ward + uncountable amounts of osce sessions + finish mini-cexes = lots of unexpected stress coming up. hooray. guess i'd better enjoy this weekend while i can haha

Monday, October 22, 2012

zebra cakes

happy day today :) things are looking up, or maybe it's the mindset, i dont care~ or maybe i just prefer the OT env to endless clinics (for this specialty that is). or maybe this morning i freed myself by changing the o&g elective to rheumato + endo (the 2 IM specialties i am actually interested in! i didnt sign up for them becos i want to suck up for residency since im not applying to im anyway, i signed up cos i really genuinely need to see more of the aforementioned patients)

so today saw 2 ops, then had a long but good lecture from 2-6pm, and then clerked a patient and reached home at 8++ (thanks to the inefficiency of the route i took home today).

aim for tonight: finish up gyne writeup, try to read puerperium for tomorrow

i just feel so cheery. THIS IS GREAT, I'LL TAKE IT WHILE I CAN

Sunday, October 21, 2012


No matter how much I run (I can’t escape from it).
If I look back while running (You’re still there).

It's pitch dark, the world moves on too fast.
The path I must walk is endless.
What’s at the end of this path?
Are you going there knowing about it?
Will I learn the answers if I go there with my eyes closed?
The sky that never responds to a such question.
The two arms tied up by a daily life is too heavy to embrace dreams.
Just for today run somewhere like you're crazy.

Run till you can touch the sky with your hands.
Run till your heart is filled with your dreams.
No matter how much I run, I’m still on the same spot.

My life is a rainy night that rains 365 days.
Heart that gets smaller in every 24 hours.
But carry the new day on your shoulder and run.
What am I running towards?
Whether the sun’s setting or if I’m losing…
I don’t know.
But I go.
Keep on runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ high.

For you, who’s running endlessly.

i love epik high. also, managed to get up sufficiently early this morning to get a 14k run in :) although it could be anywhere from 12-14k since i'm going by the time i take to run it, which obviously changes depending on my running fitness. it was 37mins there (so meaning somewhere between 6-7k depending on how fast i was?!) and around 45mins back. so around 1:22.

also, just need to watch infertility & vaginal prolapse and do the online mcqs and i'm done!! yay. the last time anyone asked i said 2-3 left but uh i think i kinda miscounted LOL.

i know right this is all very thrilling, NOT.

into the storm

new music in my ipod :) i am happy

i have decided as per normal that i wont let anything get me down & i shall be a happy bunny again. i have thought this to myself many times in the past week but it's just that nothing changed, and so i couldnt change my mindset

part of it is i really want to change my third elective but seeing how i shifted another very wanted and impt elective for that... it feels stupid to do something else instead. maybe it would have been better if i was in a hospital for this posting where babies pop out left right and center, i don't know. im just not loving this as much as i would have thought, and the ethical issues involved make it all a very hard fight that honestly, i find myself convincing myself that i like this and i want to do this. it's silly and there's no point doing that. i guess also people around me are telling me to do o&g and i wanted not to be unable to apply cos i didnt do an elective. but doing an elective at this same hospital, the thought of 6 weeks + ONE MORE MONTH doing this, fills me with dreaddd. i really shouldnt have changed things around the DAY BEFORE STARTING THE ROTATION. so brilliant.

sometimes you do things & it turns out it's cos God has his Plan and its all for the better. well, it might be, but in this case, im rather sure it's my own stupidity that God now has to fix the mess for me. (btw, just for the record, even tho i stress about this everyday, i have COMPLETE and utter faith that it will work out. it isnt feasible that it will all work out, but therein lies the beauty of it). it is when i am at my weakest, that You are at your strongest.

anyway im thinking of changing to do cardiosurg/ neurosurg/ some variant since i have 4 weeks to fill up. because i really do like cardiothoracic surg anyway. heck care if sgh has a lower cts caseload lah honestly if you love something, it's going to be awesome doing anything related to it. but need to think carefully since im having a bit of adhd with this electives thing, keep changing my mind and never stick to any one elective (cept the carefully guarded paeds one).

it's good to rule out o&g for sure though. cos i really did consider it muchly once. but ultimately in life, you CANT do things cos other people want you to. if i end up doing child psych in the future, im going to do it with the knowledge that it's something great that i love, and who cares if psych carries any stigma or whatever. honestly, it's all about the difference u make in other people's lives that matters. God certainly isnt in heaven judging which specialty is good or bad and he certainly wont think im a bad person just cos i didnt do optho or derm or o&g. but of course, i do really hope that the miracle will occur and i get into paeds. because it is impossible for me to get in, but with God, anything is possible

a thought that has come into my head many a time, is that if i get in, then you know a miracle has occured. becos statistically speaking, logically speaking, i dont deserve it (if you know you are going by the must-get-deans-list standard). and apparently 50 pple in our batch want paeds. (!!!).

so i guess the conclusion is this: find something you love and stick to it, no matter what anyone says.

Saturday, October 20, 2012


good things
1. had a good clinic on friday
2. have done loads of VEs and speculum exams [which i take for granted but i think its def harder for guys to get the opportunity]
3. ....uh there arent that many good things lately... oh i just ate a hazelnut cookie yay

aim to finish the o&g lects this weekendd

and to gym at least once this weekend

and sigh it just feels like im just subsisting. i think the first 2 weeks of anything is always depressing. you go from knowing everything about a subject to nothing. there is -some- excitement about the newness but there are always new mini-cexes to do, new writeups [oh yeah i need to find writeup cases next week]. plus my elective organizing stresses me out. big time.

have weird epigastric discomfort too, no idea why. GRR

anyway yay next week is OT. the good thing about o&g is you are posted to a diff place every week or so, unlike surg where they dont post you specifically to the OT, it's very opportunistic. okay honestly i cant summon up much enthusiasm about life. i would love to say it is circumstantial but i think i shouldnt blame life too much. it doesnt really suck that much it just isnt really that awesome either.

i think im gonna get starbucks now

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

the thousand somethings of someone

There are only 3 things that can make your dreams come true, e, your thoughts, your words, and your actions.
Be the spark,
The Universe

They're all you have, e, and they're all you need.

this was apt for today's thoughts of i dont know where i'm going & what i need to do to get there, and how to do these things

high tide at race point

ahh i'm slacking off!!

1130-1230 pm mug antenatal assessments
1-2 travel to sgh
2-5 afternoon clinics [hopefully]
6-7 gym *hearts*

night watch pelvic masses, menopause lectures

so goes my grand plan

must not slack off. must not slack off.

how does one NOT THINK.  i think part of the problem is that i am seriously considering this for the future so it makes me more stressed out. but i also know that thinking too much is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE and i should just not think and study

uh but as you can see it is midday and i am slacking off. technically post call hahaha

one view is that i am a Contradictory person but really i think im just lazy.

i wish we had 5 elective months and i wish i knew what to do.

if you go by the view that you should do what is most needed, i think peds is oversuscribed and i should do childpsych instead cos i think they need more child psychiatrists. but i just changed my electives around cos i didnt want to do all peds electives, thereby obliterating my child psych elective!! aurgh. bad choice, bad choice. anyway why am i depending on my own human-ness and my wants. kids are cute. duh. its not that im that fantastic at dealing with kids anyway its just that im better than i expected of myself [read low expectations] and i had lots of toys and stickers. and kids just arent very judgemental to begin with

how do i justify this to myself; do i NEED to justify this to myself. do i need to find the most self-sacrificial job or are the long hours justifiable enough. is perhaps, MED SCH itself sacrificial enough that we deserve to find a job we enjoy when we grow up. are we supposed to enjoy work?! or is it meant to be a daily grind; daily battle. how much are you supposed to enjoy work really. grinning like a lunatic everyday cos it's so fun or is it okay to have some doubts sometimes. they say what should you choose but it's not just you choosing something, it has to choose you back too...

i think i need a sorting hat.

or maybe i just need a superhero.

or maybe i NEED to be a superhero. i need a cape right now to fly me to my afternoon clinics and overcome this postpseudocall inertia.

becos right now, by myself, i can't see how i can overcome this. how i can become bigger than the sum of my non-achievements. how if i fight time and space and win, how i can manage to accrue enough points to be acceptable to the Organizations.

is it just enough to Want it, cos this feels like lots of things i've Wanted in the past. pure wanting per se isnt really enough you know. not that i've deserved much things in the past. but still. i know enough to know the wanting itself isnt sufficient

what is that extra ingredient i need. can i ever get it?

can i ever be better than myself, can i ever transcend the hundreds of good and bad things that make up Me, and get There. where is There anyway. if work is going to be hard whatever i do, should i try so hard to find something i think i will like doing? if the endpoint is going to be the same anyway?

haha, just a multitude of thoughts, no conclusions. just needed to get it all out. its very confusing having so many thoughts run round your head.

o&g call

was really uneventful -_-

but oh well. had some rather good lectures most of today, the second lecturer really inspired me somehow, u can tell he really loves teaching!! the topic was antenatal care but he enthusiastically went into CTGs, twins, breech delivery etc.. and rounded it off with a series of hilarious/ educational o&g vids. really ended the day off nicely :) plus then we had lemon crackers from the stash permanently in the student lounge for medical students. yay

anyway so call - didnt see any babies being delivered sobZ but i did do like 4 vaginal examinations + speculum so it's a really good learning opportunity. more of a gyne call really.

plans for tomorrow - clinic the whole day, try to do one or two formative mini-cexes (?????) then either gym or run

thurs - presumably clinic in morning then patho practicals [sigh] at least it's o&g themed, so relevant to what we're studying now.

mugging in the student lounge really is not conducive... firstly i keep looking up to see who is walking in and out and also it is soo cold. so blehhh. plus we only ever have around 50mins in between things which means i can never webcast from beginning to end which is soo unsatisfying

so anyway after my gyne-heavy call i came back early & finished my citi course!!! so proud of myself. off to sleep now. :):)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

i really need a super hero right now

wow the singing

hi world,  i am in need of a super hero
feeling confused, hemmed in on every side, feeling inadequate, stupid, feeling un-blessed...

these are all very stupid feelings. actually im having a pretty nice life. i have so many blessings. i'm studying medicine which i love, doing o&g which i so wanted to do (as a rotation i was looking forward to pre-med school). i dont have to worry about a lot of things that i used to, i even feel really fit [WHICH IS RARE]  and i even managed to fit in a 14k run after coming home at like 7pm. oh well. even if life sucks at least i managed to lose weight. i wasnt even trying very hard and i keep eating cereal at night when watching o&g webcasts. [u know ur binge-eating too much when you LOSE WEIGHT ON CEREALmunching.]

also there is so much to study for o&g...... so much to do..... i technically havent fulfilled the delivery requirements depending on how technical you want to get about it

anyway, now that i've vented it all out [and sent some rly stupid smses since i was half smsing someone in the same group about timetables and half typing hahaha], i feel Better & prepared to face tomorrow! yay! i think half of the stress comes from wondering whether if  i go at ninja-like times i can steal deliveries from the people who are really posted to the laborward who may not go so early [LIKE US IN OUR LAST WEEK... how many times did i arrive to find that a baby just got born. happy way to start the day, def, cept for the baby-deprived med student]

i think the most impt thing is to trust God and not to have magical thinking about things
what's in the past or future isnt so impt as the present. and as long as u know that He means the best for you, you just have to surrender and trust. and that... is the most difficult thing.

i would still like a super hero though. please God?

Saturday, October 13, 2012

not my will but Yours

labor ward

one week in labor ward has ended

bought chocolate for the ho & mo :) i really love showing my appreciation to people who have helped me! the mo is really such an inspiration to me. just seeing her eyes light up when she talks about VBAC and nice guidelines & spewing o&g acronyms reignited the small spark for o&g inside of me that had been dying off thanks to hardly any deliveries and feeling so slow in gowning up & so inadequate and unknowledgable [read first-few-days-of-new-posting-blues]. if i ever go into this area, its really thanks to her inspiration!

so due to some circumstances, we didnt see any deliveries yesterday despite hanging around muchly but its okay i still learned alot from various sources! clerked some patients in labor ward. in the afternoon, went to my tutor's clinic and saw lots of patients with Mirenas. the tutor even was like "ok i give you 3 minutes to take a history, go!" which was like uhhh what to ask people with mirenas..?? but okay i managed to get -some- useful info hahah. saw ICUD removal & reinsertion, pap smears, speculum examinations, endometrial biopsy. not bad! and did loads of abdo examinations for pregnant women yay i'm beginning to know how to feel the limbs/ back/ head of the babies :):)

i realised that even tho i am not a perfect medical student, im definitely learning. things like introducing yourself to the ho/mo/ reg/con/ nurses/ midwives, whereas in m3 sometimes i snuck around shyly, really makes a difference.

another thing is this morning over saturday morning cereal i read an article about barefoot running & it suddenly struck me that i remembered i wanted to be like a barefootdr ie i wanted to go to africa and be a doctor. haha it seems like so long ago. now its all OH WHAT SPECIALTY. what sub-sub-sub specialty shall i do. but there are constraints. i guess its okay to aim to go to africa/china/ some poor and impoverished area/ the mountains to help the poor people in the far future. i dont have to go like, IMMEDIATELY after graduating. so maybe its just really impt to know now common things like o&g just so incase i really need to deliver babies in the future. i cant be like "uh actually i was at a place for o&g where there was like only 1 normal vaginal delivery a day but if you like hang on i'll skype with my tutor to check how to deliver babies cos furthermore by the time i put on my gloves in a sterile fashion the baby usually pops out.." just something that occured to me

another is that during the discernment session no-one said God appeared in front of them one day and ordained that they should be a paediatrician/ GP/ surgeon. just sort of they weighed it up logically/ hung around deciding what to do... and somehow they ended up doing things they love, and sharing with us why they love their jobs and how it fits them, their talents, personalities, life, etc. and that the most important thing is they love their jobs. so yeah. anyway truthfully all of medicine is awesome that's why i signed up for this. that's why i love staying back late even waiting for babies to come out [sighhhh] no really it is pretty exciting

next week in OT! yay operating. may i find back the joy in going to OTs and may i be able to scrub up in time. here goes.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

the rainbow connection

thoughts on o&g:
it is VERY DIFFICULT to catch babies
as in, literally, it's difficult to know when they'll be coming out, and it's difficult to physically catch them. i think the first isnt my fault and the second is cos i just take really long to put my gloves on. i'm getting faster though. uh, i have delivered 2 placentas thus far!

baby count thus far on day 4 of posting: 3! 2 normal vaginal deliveries and one C-section

i was actually pretty excited for o&g. i remember bringing my books to france during summer holidays, and i dont think i'll ever forget my anaesthesia attachment in year 1 when the OT nurse asked me "hi are you the O&G surgeon?" haha. i guess it's always been at the back of my mind as a potential specialty, just pushed slightly down the line cos of my newfound love for kids. one of the reasons i really had to come into med school was cos of the smorgasbord of cool stuff one can't see/ do outside like deliver babies. the other one being surgery, thanks to greys anatomy. i think we all know how that one turned out. let's just say that now that we're back at the same hospital we did surg at, everytime we enter the lifts/ pass by certain areas, we get this kind of pavlov's conditioning response. or maybe it's skinner's since it's clearly operant condition ie NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT.

haha i mean it wasnt that bad, just memories of being continually stressed, feeling like we were fighting battles everyday, night calls, 6am wakeups, etc. some surgeons were really nice people too to be fair like the head&neck guy. that guy was AWESOME.

so anyway o&g... i wasnt really stressed for it like for peds since i'm not considering it per se as a lifelong thing since there are some religious aspects that i think will pose a significant difficulty sighs. but i went in with a open mindset, cos there have been some things in the past that can qualify as 'signs' [not that im really good at discernment] and i guess i just havent been willing to rule it out entirely. thus far, i dont feel that I MUST DO IT OR I WILL DIE, or that i will fight very hard for it [im just being honest here...], but i definitely feel that it's cool, and the miracle of life is really like none other.

our first day we were lucky to meet a super nice mo and ho who taught us really alot. we were literally thrown into the deep end, in the LABOR ward. like literally, i had to read the history-taking questions off my obstetrics textbook. luckily we'd just come off psych so the patient rapport thing was relatively well established haha. in the OT/ delivery ward, i find myself being distracted by the baby's cries, wanting to play with it and assess it. to the point that i am considering neonatology now HAHA. really babies are so adorable. and also chatting with the anaesthetist. there was an old anaesthetic prof the other day during the c-section who was so nice he kept teaching me enthusiastically. he even told my tutor "wait, i'm teaching your medical student" haha. and when the nurses took the baby out he and the anaesthesia MO were playing with and tickling the baby hahahah SO CUTE zomg.

for a variety of reasons, i have been rather confused about the future. yes, again. yes, i also know that i should focus on now and having repeated, intrusive, obsessional thoughts about residency doesnt really help me. mugging my head off and doing really well will. well sorry im not a machine, im human and i really want to know what i'm on this earth foR. so frustrating sometimes.

anyway, i've picked an o&g elective. i actually picked it before o&g started cos this niggling voice kept telling me to go for it haha. i guess i just want to give it a chance. something tells me i should. but i dont know. you know how they say that you must really love what you do. i want that. i want a job where everyday you are excited to go to work. like my paeds internship that is upcoming, words cannot describe how excited i am. it's just that it's difficult to get in. from all the discernments and advice people have been giving, i get the sense that you just have to do something you love super alot. like the nice labor ward MO, her eyes literally shine when she's telling us about the NICE guidelines, and she's always happy to listen to us present and give us advice. i want to do something that i love so much i want to read up, learn more, be the best doctor i can. i dont really want to be dragging myself through calls waiting for an intangible 'it' to end, for life to get better. cos i did medicine cos i believe it'd help me to bring happiness to others and myself.

not sure if i've expressed my uncertainty and thoughts well enough.

i was thinking about it, and apart from a decision to be really chill about it and just do the best i can whilst being open-minded, i guess it's also that if God gives me paeds wherever i ultimately decide to apply (and ive decided 100% now actually), then i know that i was meant to be a pediatrician. it's not my own executive decision but that of forces beyond myself. and by that i do not mean the residency committees lol. it's like medicine. i really worried and thought so much about it, but in the end He showed me beyond doubt that i'm meant to be here. although this time i would really like to get in with half the amount of worry haha. basically, if i get it, then i know for sure. becos it really is difficult. if i don't, then i'll also know for sure, and pursue another path in the faith that that too is God's plan. as for my backups, i'm not really sure. maybe child psych since i really want to treat kids with autism and adhd anyway, maybe o&g (???), maybe internal medicine (uhh less likely). maybe anesthesia (i like it, and i love watching surgeries without actually doing them, but i SUCK AT THE MCQ QUESTIONS.)

i'm really not sure. part of why this makes my brain hurt so much is also cos all the backups are just unsatisfactory in some way. some part of me just says no to this, no to that, theres nothing else so all-encompassing. they say to do what you love. i want this, so now what.

but even if it's an everyday struggle to give it all to Him, then let it be one. it's a worthy struggle

to be honest if you asked me, i think i'll get it.
last time for medicine, a voice really told me to apply for ucas. i just kept having this feeling that i'd better have alternative plans, and indeed i needed them.

this time... something about the alternative plans all just dont seem satisfactory.

this time i think i need to believe, all in.

every miracle before this was just a precursor.

i need to double my efforts to make my dream a reality. i need to do everything i humanly can, so that i dont derail the Plans. it's not that because of the grace given to you that you shouldnt try since you can never deserve it anyway. it's because of the magnitude of the grace given, that you should put in everything you have, to show your thankfulness in whatever ways you can

that said, showing thankfulness doesnt mean being a callous cad and getting top marks. it means fulfilling ALL your responsibilities as a human being, not just that of being a student.

the other day, i read one of those scripture reflection things and almost cried. it was something along the lines of how one should never forget one's purpose, for the sake of busy-ness. martha vs mary all over again. it's no use to rush around doing things, but not to listen to his word.

yesterday's scripture reflection asked why do we pray, when not all our prayers get answered. is ask and you shall find really true? the answer is that prayer helps you to discern, vocalize your desires, and is a sort of self realization, and of praise and thanksgiving

some choice quotes
"we are so easily tempted by the world that for the sake of success and money, we leave no time for God, our spiritual life, and our loved ones. the question is whether we prefer mammon or God? ... all that is necessary for us has already been given to us. We will never be convinced of this until we are driven to the edge of our searching and asking, and recognizing the futility of it, and stop searching and asking"

i will never forget this "i dont know why we are doing this anymore. im on my knees asking to stop please".. "our prayers are getting wiser"

on hindsight, these are things of beauty

"the paradox of life is that the moment we stop desiring, this is when God takes over"
"we can be happy just simply being ourselves because the Holy Spirit already lives in us. the prayer of petition is necessary so that we can remind ourselves that before we ask for anything, the heavenly father already knows what we need, and surely we can believe that he will give us only good thhings for our happiness. ... but he does not only give us things... it is this Holy Spirit in us that will ensure that whatever we want in life really brings us true, and not simply apparent and pleasure cannot bring us love, joy and peace"
"when we desire what God wants for us, then we will always be happy, regardness of the situation we are in. True and total freedom removes all fear and therefore brings the joy that only the Spirit of God can give"

maybe i'm changing my prayer
not for this residency that residency what will give me the best life
yes, little children make me happy
but it doesnt matter. this is just like a new and longlasting fad for all i know

what's more important is that i enjoy med school, which is in itself a miracle and a gift God has wrought and given to me. i think i remember praying many times that it doesnt matter what kind of doctor i become as long as i become one. i also remember saying to myself that maybe i shouldnt say that but i just want it so much that it doesnt matter. i think that, whatever happens, it will be part of his plan. it won't be just another passing crush. it will be something that he knows i fit and something i have been made for. and it will only be good if i can manage to be a good human being along with that. if not, it's all just dust.

so i will trust, and learn, and not think so far ahead

Monday, October 8, 2012

wise words

psych eopt was okay, not perfect of course, but i'm grateful that it went much better than it could had have. i had a really positive experience in psych thanks to my wonderful tutors. it was really nice when after the exam we went to pass our tutor the card since he put so much effort into revision for not just us but the whole batch and he looked really happy to get the card :) i just hope we did his efforts justice!!

break weekend was lovely as always. there is nothing better than those 2.5 days where you have no obligations and you can do absolutely as you please guilt-free. i went shopping too!! FINALLY.

[of course this was totally the opposite today as we ran around sgh like oxytocin-fuelled bunnies. no i kid the HO was really kind and taught alot. like i've NEVER seen a HO teach so much. she even listened to us present TWO histories and then commented on our histories and taught us how to take an o&g history??! zomg. unbelievable kindness!!]

anyway so today we had a fruitful day thanks to the kind HO, then after that me and my o&g partner went to our tutor's clinic where she taught us the vaginal examination and also the obstetrics PE [fundal height, etc]. i heard a fetal heartbeat!! that magical moment. now just hoping i'll see lots of deliveries too. while waiting for the previous patient to come out my o&g partner was telling me how he swopped calls so he can be on call on his birthday haha i thought that was so cute & such a good idea!! but my birthday falls on a wednesday so dont want to be zzz-ing the whole of the next day.

tonight - aim to try & remember the obstetrical & gynecological histories and physical examination!
tomorrow - W's combat!! i'm SO looking forward to it. now having said that im sure i will find myself stuck in hospital at 7pm waiting for babies to come out of my patients but it's okay i mean both are happy things hahah

i always believe that everything happens for a reason
i believe that the more confused you are, the better things await you
since i am always rather confused, it is almost always good
so i have this to say
i believe in God's plan and i know this is a sign
one i prayed for, perhaps a little too vehemently

sometimes things are scary
but you just gotta hang on, and believe
one day i can tell the stories of my miracles
it's gonna be okay

Thursday, October 4, 2012

i never deserved to be saved, but i was

dear God,
as long as i live, i will never forget
my gratitude

i know sometimes it seems like i've forgotten all the miracles you've done for me; the dark tea-times of the soul. but i haven't. i promise to try my best. there has to be a reason why all these things happened, why you saved me. it's not because i'm good or righteous or anything, cos you saved me when i was at my worst, when nothing i did was right or good. all i want to do is show my gratitude in some way in the future
however far off or near that might be.

i'm not sure how much i used to believe and how much was desperation, because if i didnt believe there werent any other straws to grab onto. but for now, i know that i definitely believe.

butterfly (fly away)

rather nice day, even if not the most EXAM HIGH YIELD ever

morning - went for addiction grand ward rounds, it was, as my cg mate said, really grand. i havent been in one of those huge ward rounds since forever, like since surg lol. with people presenting and things. it was quite good! i mean it was on the schedule, and when am i ever going to have such an experience again, etc. they were discussing the gateway theory, and a long discussion of halfway houses and comparing them to ri and hc LOL. after that, had an addiction tutorial about benzos/ alcohol/ opioids, etc. note to self: cannabis has NO withdrawal [not physical that is].

practiced an osce station on fluoxetine, then had addiction OCI. the last OCI ever!! ended it on a great note, quite literally, i actually did a good job of it!! WHO WOULD HAVE EXPECTED. i actually really wanted to practice the gambling osce but an inner voice [heh] told me to just volunteer for the hearing voices drug induced vs primary psychosis one, and that was the last case of the day! okay i know it doesnt mean much to anyone else but it meant alot to me when wx was like "she has a really nice gentle and caring interview style" or something along those lines, THANK YOU WX!! *happy*. although maybe sometimes they are too kind during oci cos you just need to intro urself, say what you are going to do, express empathy, summarize and talk about follow up and they will say it's good, like i realised i barely established the time course of the psychosis vs drug taking cos i spent the whole time asking first rank symptoms and later i found out the quality of the delusion doesnt really differentiate between primary and secondary psychosis argh!!

although the best was
simulated patient: the voices keep talking and i dont understand them
me: oh... are they speaking... english?

anyway, just a nice ending to the clinical part of the psych rotation
as for the actual mugging... urgh

plan for tonight
12-1230 finish anxiety disorders treatment [all the CBT etc...]
1230-1 finish insomnia treatment [IRONIC]

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

variety of ways

currently mugging: personality disorders

must also study
- insomnia tx
- lithium
- explaining CBT
- serotonin syndrome

i feel scared. not just about the upcoming exam, i dont love it but i kinda have accepted that i am ridiculously over-anxious about exams, blahblah, i mean it's something that comes up every six weeks. just... in general, HOW. but i guess, if you give it all to God, it's going to be okay [yes, it's that time of the year when you keep telling yourself this until it begins to ring in your ears like a cliche]. generalized free-floating anxiety then? haish.

anyway, today was pretty nice. firstly, i only had to get to school at 11AM. woots! so rare right?! then i managed to fit in LOTS of osce practice with my small cg. i think we did PTSD, panic attacks x 2 , post-natal depression/ psychosis x 2 , anorexia nervosa, binge eating [tho i had no idea what to ask], pathological gambling, OCD, etc. oh and we sort-of discussed CBT too. EFFICIENCY, i like :):)

although i badly need a run, havent run in ages, no runs on the horizon... SOBS. this is not excessive exercise btw, it's called ADDICTION. i was intending to run today but the moment i came back, cranberry cereal called my name, so ironic to eat that while mugging the anorexia osce questions. anyway triumphant post-exam run yes. this never happens btw usually i come back totally spent and in exam-withdrawal and just sleep throughout to sleep off the exam ptsd

[apart from finish studying, which... duh...]
1. just to be really nice to the patients and not say anything wrong during osce. i know they have a marking scheme but personally i'd rather miss a few points than say anything insensitive, you know? there are so many things to ask really
2. to go all the way to 8 mins and not to leave the room early/ stare at examiner
3. to not be frantically mugging right up to the moment of the exam with tons of paper strewn everywhere and looking really anxious. i highly doubt the psych people will be extra-kind to me just coz i look like im having a panic attack [read: my usual pre-exam state]

basically, i think that psych is a rotation that has been both surprisingly interesting as well as surprisingly intellectually satisfying. people seem to think it's really woolly and stuff, which, yeah i guess from one angle you could say that, but there ARE lists of criteria you have to know, plus lots of leeway for murky presentations that no one knows what it is. this is particularly so for child psych. btw - we made it for our child psych rounds and it was AWESOME. kids say the darndest things to begin with. i could really see myself working there. i know psych in a way def has some stigma and maybe we've been protected like how the doctor in clinic the other day asked us to go out cos the patient might get aggressive and we didnt cos we've never seen an acutely psychotic patient, but sorely regretted once he really started pacing around, walking scarily in our direction etc... but so far as i can see, the patients are quite nice people underneath all the psychosis. so i guess whether i want to do it next time or not [still up in the air, but even if yes, defo child psych not the adult one, nothing against gen psych but... duh.. kids...], i just want to have fun with this exam. that includes not wanting to throw myself off the building immediately after the exam, not wanting to kill cute furry animals after the exam... etc. haha i kid but really i just dont want to regret anything.

we've been taught well & my tutor is a SAINT seriously. i asked him some qns and he replied on sunday night!? wow. i need to buy him chocolate. i just want to do it all justice, in a more graceful manner than i have historically done so

so here goes, with God's grace

oh i realized i only addressed the eopt [which i am not even that stressed about -_-] and not my free-floating anxiety. i guess it's all the same treatment whatever the complaint - shoulder my crosses, try to do about it what i can, give it to God. cos ultimately earthly things are just that. it's difficult to not care, but i shall try.

Monday, October 1, 2012


this weekend i have only done uhhh sleep and conversion disorders. i will FINISH DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS tonight even if it means i am snoozing through child psych [hearts] rounds tomorrow!!

well, either that or i'll just make use of my new coffee mug [double hearts]

anyways so the other day i was on the train and my friend did the usual psychoanalyzing thing and asked me "how do you see yourself" and i was like "uhh either superwoman or... errr..." and she was like "super junior?" wahaha yeah that. or maybe "wonderwoman or wonder girls" would be a better descriptor. THE POINT IS, the hyped-up me is getting tired... of hyping myself up before exams. seriously. the exams, they just keep coming. gnargh.

but i refuse to give in! i will run til the ends of the earth and i will always go down fighting. well actually i think this is not -too- bad in that the teaching is really good. but just that my tutor is always telling us how difficult the papers are and ahhh stressing us out. it's good, stress is good, if you don't lose it i guess, and psych itself is a pretty good reminder of why you should just chillax, smell the roses, etc; shame we cant put that philosophy to use on the psych exam itself.

okay i know this whole post sounds a little too hypomanic, what with constantly contradicting myself and jumping from catastrophic thinking to immediately CBT-ing myself. WHAT CAN I SAY I AM STRESSED. okay but i kinda think i need to have faith AND need to take action. all without being as unglam and anxiety ++ as exams usually make me. well at least i will try.

anyway so yeah off to combat the mugging-monsters!

... or sleep monster, at least


day off and then one week of holiday! have been really into notion reccently so just set up my notion dashboard since i have a day off to...