While a child attending kindergarten, e, cannot fully comprehend all the priceless reasons they are there - to socialize, make friends, grow, and prepare for ever higher realms of awareness - by that age they can, nevertheless, sense and grasp that their wise and doting parents have kept their very best interests in mind, and that is enough. Because with this awareness, they can at least stop trying to figure everything out and simply start enjoying their hand painting, alphabet lessons, and cat-naps. Knowing that even if they break a crayon or some lad pulls a chair out from under them, they're still exactly where they should be, everything is going to turn out just grand, and everyone back home is as proud as can be.and yeah when you need to rely on chainemails from theuniverse for encouragement... haha
And oh my goodness, e, we are so proud of you.
Your "paintings," e, are plastered all over our refrigerators.
i'm seriously considering emed or anaesthesia [although i probably shouldnt say this before the postings even start properly ;p].i seriously dont think i'm worthy of ____. it's like, how could you even dare to dream. haish. why does it have to be like this. isnt it equally difficult to be a doctor in all departments, and arent they all equally worthy. just today feeling like what i thought was good enough isnt... getting carpets pulled out from under my feet.
i wont even bother consulting anyone on teh Future. what's the point, who doesn't know what i want to do with all my heart and soul. if you asked me honestly to dig deep inside myself and wonder which i would apply for, the answer comes even without thinking. even with fear of rejection, i would probably do it. even with fear of inadequacy, of not living up to expectations, i would say yes in a heartbeat, would put myself on the line to try and try again until i meet up to whatever it is.
if there is anything i regret, it is that it is more difficult this way to get the one thing i really do want super a lot. that it looks almost impossible, for all the faith and trust that i have, i know consciously that it is difficult. it's not that i dont have blind belief, i really do. its just that today opened my eyes to the fact that i am very below average, and that i dont look competitive on paper, in person; that i am NOT competitive both metaphorically or literally. His Kingdom is not that of earth. but now, on earth, i long for these accomplishments. why DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS.
why can't i just be a kiddoctor because maybe because i'm good at it & i love kids & i think i can be good at the medicine side & the human side and becos its the reason for my existance in this world?!
okay end inarticulate rant
just that today, im thinking its unwise, given my extreme lack of competitiveness [read: i am super below average], to even try to reach for the stars
just that for today, i'm mired in doubt, doubt every fibre of me knows is wrong. i want to believe too. but the head works over the heart.
yeah, i know the logical way is just to keep on trying, and im not saying i wont im just saying... dont pin every hope on it and psych yourself up to love this so much
on a random note, had airway module today, FUN! i can intubate!!! YAY. im quite good at doing it on the mannequin too :):) can totally visualize the vocal cords and stuff.although i held the laryngoscope wrongly during the 'test' they gave us which honestly i was a little stressed about since i remembered the paeds resus simulation i paired up with c with.
us "errmmmm... so the patient is hypotensive... i will.....give some fluids. *hunts for fluids for like 5mins*." doctor "so how much fluids will you give" us" ermmmm" her "there's a chart somewhere" us *hunts for charts for 5 more mins* patient *desats happily* us OH CRAP DIDNT PUT ON THE PULSE OXIMETER *patient turns out to be really dessatted* we finally figure out the fluid dosing and the doctor inputs it into the comp looking seriously unimpressed.
anyway it was a very chilled out session in comparison today with an extremely nice anaesthetist who calmly taught us all the stuff and we all enthusedly practiced the skillz like x 100 (despite the guy telling the technician "these two girls can bag and mask already, let's test them now!" after watching us do it for the v first time). and the bag and mask thingy was super calm with being basically 5mins of squeezing the bag. although maybe i really shouldnt do emed/ anes since i am actually not too capable of squeezing the bag, i dont think i should do it in real life by squashing the mask/ bag against the pt's face haha
the person behind me in line was like "i think we should teach her how to hold it properly! if not she might do it like that in real life too!" and pple really came over to teach me how to do it LOL
tomorrow is more simulation! with a large area to cover "cardiogenic/ haemorrhagic shock, SOB, resus, airway management" cardio.... isnt that like... all the arrythmias ever?! and sedation course in the morning. i have a temptation to run in the morning since we only start at 9am but if i do that i have a suspicion i'll be fully anaesthesized in like stage III instead of merely sedated. anyway fun stuff, hoping i'll be less n00b this time!