Monday, July 30, 2012

things to believe in

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."
Colossians 3:23

good advice

information overdose

had lectures today from 8am to 630pm arghhh. and the lunch timings was strangely confused which was okay though becos BUBBLE TEA. although i had an fml moment when i realized the straw was the wrong size...

i really like toxicology though, i found the lecture thoroughly fascinating. i guess its novelty too, learning new stuff is always so exciting! and all the stories about human nature and how people actually really poison people they don't like?! zomg. something i realised about a&e doctors is they always have so many exciting anecdotes to tell. and that a&e is medicine just you need your reflexes (both physical and intellectual) to be speeded up. like it's still ecg reading but you need to know it right away

i'm improving though, i can spot a S1Q3T3 miles away now! and a hampton's hump and a westermark sign!

things to study at some point in time
1. finish up acid base notes and memorize the HCO3-/ PCO2 values that enable you to know if it's respi or metabolic acidosis/ alkalosis. I CAN NEVER RMB THIS why
2. chest pain lecture from today
3. toxicology lecture from today

i think no need to do notes for the triage/ lab values one right?!

also i'll be at nuh for a&e as well as the other hospital YAY becos i just like nuh a&e alot alot LOVES. okay i better say anything since i havent worked a day in my life there yet.

we're also going to be very busy having lectures for hoursss in the near future sobs so my aim is to erm at least run 1-2 times per week. YES. okay toxicology

Saturday, July 28, 2012

a spoon of moonlight, two drops of starlight

he reminds me so much of you it physically hurts

since when was it? that ive become used to being alone?
since when was it? that my heart emptied your spot?

little memories of you pass by and make me stop but
the unfamiliar memories are awkward
not making me able to cherish them and just let them pass by

letting you go, letting someone go, im used to it now so i dont draw you out
after time passed, the tear flowing memories
it's just in the moment, it's just in that moment
because they are memories that could not be cherished

evan - memories that can't be cherished (추억이 되지 못한 기억)

after the rain stopped,
the sky looks especially clearer
as if it had never been bad in the first place
i bite my lips and slowly pace my breathing
and i think about the memories i locked up for a while
it's alright, as i really think deeply, as i fly away
at some point, the morning embraces my shoulder
and it's over now
boa - mayday

Friday, July 27, 2012

reflections on anaesthesia

life thus far:
1. first time watching neurosurgery was awesome as expected! *starry eyes*
2. managed to pre-oxygenate a patient without turning on the oxygen... SIGH
[note, it was pre-oxygenation so no patients were harmed in this!] the next patient i went to with my tutor, i started talking to her in chinese for like 2 mins before my tutor was like "uh... i think the patient is malay.." facepalm

3. SICU posting today was a very interesting experience indeed. plus i feel like my medicine knowledge was just increased x100 just by sitting there listening to the round. but i must say it really is such a difficult job to do, both intellectually & emotionally. it may seem so exciting to be an intensivist/ critical care doctor but it really is extremely challenging plus stressful knowing all the people depending on you to pick up all the many issues! but the consultant today was a v good teacher

summary: anesthesia has been WONDERFUL. i loved it to bits, except the part where i am so sleepy everyday i dont want to do anything everyday except sleep. i mean, more than my average baseline sleepiness.

things i liked about this posting include
1. the enthusiastic cons/ regs who teach like almost nonstop during the surgeries
2. all the handson stuff like drawing up drugs, setting lines, putting in LMAs, intubating (tho i personally didnt intubate yet as it was apparently all difficult airways eg ENT), doing the bag & mask (although i suck at it, see the first line of this post), hanging drips (my tutor's comment on this "yeah... we found out that students get a kick out of doing this")
3. the wide variety of cases and exposure. like my first day was gen surg/uro, second day was ortho, third day was ENT, fourth day was EOT, fifth day was neuro and sixth day was surg ICU. i really really loved being in the neurosurg ot. but neurosurg/ neuroanaesthesia is both very difficult and very highstakes, so prob not for me. just for the record, though, i uber loved it. the neuro anaesthesist was quite quirky too. she would give me a whole set of equipment and say "ok iq test, assemble it, go!"
4. going to school everyday to the OT changing room and wearing scrubs. just such an awesome way to start the day
5. how my tutors would randomly ask me to go for tea breaks all the time. haha i just really like the working environment. and anaesthetists are generally all extremely nice people i find.

so... i'm currently trying to decide between an anesthesia elective and a neuro elective in the one month i have left (having pretty much decided on two of the months already). today our core tutor gave us a tutorial about peds and o&g anaesthesia and she was like "so all the kids will be brought to a playground after registration, and they just play there until its their turn, and the anesthetist will go there and find the kid from all the kids playing. and when they go in the OT, everyone will just be playing with the kid, like the OT attendant will be blowing bubbles, or waving toys..." and grace and me just looked at each other and mouthed SO CUTE!!!, all starry eyed at the absolute cuteness overload idea of it all. ok must stop must stop peds anaesthesia makes the anaesthetist REALLY SLEEPY coz the gas leaks everywhere (the ETT for kids is uncuffed).

okay further reflections... for this posting, i was actually not with my cg. it was taking the classreps injunction "make friends with your new sister cgs!" to new heights haha. i conclude after two weeks of hanging out with them that they are extremely nice people!! and a very good influence too. it was a good opportunity to get to know more pple in the class better :)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

i hate this love song

my story has no real heart or meaning

this is like two minus one
fly far, far away to behind the clouds
erasing all traces from memory;
why does my heart hurt like this

yes i know it sounds like maroon 5, actually the melody IS maroon 5 haha. but anyway they are such good performers here! so cute

in other news, i got totally zhammed during my mini-cex, will never look at a lap chole the same way again. i realise that once you inquire too much about the physiology, i really start to lose it. drawing the oxygen dissociation curve today was really not the high point of the exam, to put it mildly. but i think the high point was successfully ventilating the patient while being quizzed on lots of things haha. anyways i really like being stretched mentally, though maybe not during exams. it was a good learning exercise lah and i passed quite okay so it was allright, although it was a bit traumatising. it's also a good thing since it reminds me that the reason why i cant do anesthesia is the physiology/ physics behind it is too cheem for me. i can handle basic principles but the theory is not too crystal clear in my mind. previous doctors were really too kind. me *drawing up drugs, breaking the ampoules of propofol etc* them "EXCELLENT! GOOD JOB!!* thus luring me into a false delusion that maybe i can DO IT.

somemore my groupmate was supposed to do that case but the consultant asked me to do it coz i had my clinical skills to clear!! i actually bagged and masked plenty of people on the first day but the reg is on leave woots. and charting is SO DIFFICULT. consultant on my charting "mmm... your handwriting needs to be improved" me "yes dr i totally agree"

BUT at least it's cleared!! and lots of things to read up on. then we had a lovely surprise tutorial on subarachnoid haemorrhage (!!) which was awfully cheem, but it was so cool to learn all the stuff! felt thoroughly educated after that. it was quite funny the con asked if we had any more questions and one guy was like "yeah i have a personal question, some time ago i hit my head really hard..." pwahaha

neurosurg tomorrow but unforch since i fell asleep the moment i came home, i havent started reading up arrgh i swear i AM interested! anaesthesia is also the posting in which i ran/ gymmed the LEAST, read HARDLY AT ALL sobs. i forsee a lot of runs on the horizon

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


hi world, only 3 more dayys of sleepy-fying gases to go!! let's leave aside the stresses of mini-cex for now, have been seeing some really cool ent surg today, and saw a spinal being done yesterday, just as i was about to leave for lunch! yays. after 2 days of normal GA with LMA for GS and ortho surgeries. one of the things i like about anaesthesia is that you get to see lots of different types of surgeries, and every morning you go straight to the OT and change (totally my cup of tea). but what i dont like is that the gases make me VERY VERY SLEEPY. despite my "subclinical narcolepsy" haha, i have never actually experienced sitting in the ttsh kopitiam fighting the urge for my eyelids to shut while trying to carry out a conversation/ listen to an ongoing conversation and it is actually quite an odd sensation.

and tomorrow is EOT (emergency surg) and thurs is neurosurg (EXCITED!!) and fri is SICU rounds. fun fun. i dont have enough months in my electives to fit in everything. which is currently the least of my concerns coz... i should probably have done my mini-cex earlier GAHH now the only window of opportunity is to do it tomorrow which uhhh is cutting it majorly thin

anyway umm i will TRUST IN GOD and hope & pray really hard it goes well *stress*

also something really reminded me strongly of something today. which happens not infrequently but this was quite ! maybe i will delete this bit later. a bit of proust and the madeleines.

Monday, July 23, 2012

i want nobody nobody but you


i really wanted to give up because i know it's difficult to get in. but not trying at all, well i think thats just plain stupid. (and unacceptable, to me). if i get it, then all's well and good. but even if i don't, i will have gained so much by trying. i will have become a better person, a better student, a better doctor just by the attempt to improve myself. what's the point of searching everywhere for the perfect thing that fits you and you wanna do, and then giving up cos you think it's too difficult. that's so not me, at all.

even if it's brain boggingly difficult, you never know, if you dont try

so i've decided that i can be mature enough to live with the consequences of this choice. that the potential happiness if this really is my calling after all, is worth more than the sweat and tears it takes to make it there.

i've decided that the calling is too strong to ignore
i've decided that no matter what, there must be a reason for everything. and if the reason for this is merely that it spurs me on to try my best at everything imaginable, then so be it
i've decided that i've come so far and i will not turn back

that between now and whatever nebulous timepoint in the future, i will become what i am expected to be, because i too recognise that i am not yet there, wherever that may be.

i'm ready now, bring it on

Sunday, July 22, 2012

i'm yours

yay happy boppy song
thankyou b2st for cheering me up! :)

this has really spurred me on to streamline my inefficiencies, and to re-think where is the THERE i am aiming towards. my biggest flaws are inconsistency and inefficiency, and my strengths are determination and a healthy dose of luck. or maybe you could call it miracles. but while miracles are great and i do have faith, obviously i need to put in some work too.

also think i need to be more open-minded about the future instead of just focusing on one point. part of why i'm so afraid about this is because i really want to do God's will w.r.t choosing the endpoints, and because of that association, i dont want to in the end be like 'blaming' God if i dont get in. i mean seriously the chances of getting in where i wanna apply is crazy low. for the record, i am quite sure at the moment that this is my calling. not just that specialty, but that institution. but i feel that reccent events have shown me that i am the anti-thesis of being qualified, and i cant decide whether i should apply against the odds anyway. but it has definitely made me re-evaluate my choices and think harder about why i want this, and are there any other options, or is this the ONLY WAY TO HAPPINESS.

while i havent exactly had the sparkling fireworks yet, a&e and o&g is not bad too. so maybe instead of going for an overseas elective, i'll spend the 3 months here trying to figure out my future. sounds good. so possible elective schedule - my dream job, a&e, o&g. cos maybe i just overall have more exposure to _____, plus if you keep one-track mindedly obsessing about something, you make it up to be this AWESOME amazing thing. so just wanna keep an open mind. in light of that, kinda grateful for both the extra inspiration in wanting to study more efficiently, and general self improvement, and also for the re-evaluation and more intelligent decision making re electives as opposed to indulgently doing things. So even though i felt really inadequate for a while, selfimprovement and gung-honess is something i thoroughly enjoy! i totally thrive on making plans, fuelled by adrenaline. GO GO i can do this!

funnily enough, i was looking for quotes for running etc to make myself go running (er... i didnt accomplish that, but i did manage to learn the entire dance for Wonder Girls' new song Like This... haha) and i realised that much as running makes me a better person and more determined to conquer the odds, the quotes are very YOU CAN DO THIS w.r.t life as well. so here goes some
ok this one is a bit intense. but a worthy thought lol

Saturday, July 21, 2012

pineapple tarts

today is such a weird day. i dunno why. i feel so... anti-froody. just ate three pineapple tarts & am bumming away my saturday with my anesthesia in trauma & ortho notes in front of me, not that i'm actually studying them

i should be running marathons or cycling across the sahara desert but instead i'm.... bumming.

think i need to have some positive psychology. the equivalent of bag & masking yourself and inhaling happy gases. or maybe the anaesthetic gases are having some depressant effect on me, or maybe its the time of the month... i'm really not sure why. i just suddenly feel so INADEQUATE, so INEFFICIENT, like getting my act together to do all the mustdo things is so IMPOSSIBLE. which, despite the fact that i generally am never very efficient, is not something i bother to beat myself up on a regular basis. or perhaps it's cos the people on my current rotation are all extremely efficient and responsible and professionally conducted people which kinda stresses me out. guh.

i think it must be the gases having a weird effect on my central nervous system or something. bummer. guess i shouldnt be an anesthesiologist.

goals for today
1. make notes for pre-op eval
2. notes for post op complications
3. notes for intra op monitoring
4. RUN 8K

constellation of unconnected thoughts

first real day of anaesthesia ie in OT:
set many plugs and inserted many LMAs today!! *super pleased*  YAY I KNOW HOW TO SET PLUGS

reg: have you set plugs before?
me: oh yes!
reg: on a human, not a mannequin?
me: oh, yes.
*after 5 painful minutes*
reg: you told me you've done this before!!
me: ummm, it was a long time ago... [CSFC to be exact heh]

during afternoon tutorial
me: *drifting off into carb-induced sleep when the tutor asks me a question*
me *answering*
tutor: and what are some of the symptoms? EXCESSIVE DAYTIME SLEEPINESS, right?

anyway, got an email about a residency discernment forum CMG is holding. THANK GOD literally. i was about to go to a random church and accost any random priest hoping for divine intervention. anything that ends with mass and starts with prayer probably is heading us all in the right direction, or at least a direction righter than the one we're currently going in. anyway, i emailed back thanking the organizer profusely for his good deed and told him about me intending to accost a random priest. luckily i typed in the email wrongly on my android and it didnt get sent lol.

so i re-sent another with this addendum instead: "i am interested in Specialty A/ B/ C (why i need a discernment forum)"

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

crayon pop

i love the bit about enjoying hand painting & cat naps.
While a child attending kindergarten, e, cannot fully comprehend all the priceless reasons they are there - to socialize, make friends, grow, and prepare for ever higher realms of awareness - by that age they can, nevertheless, sense and grasp that their wise and doting parents have kept their very best interests in mind, and that is enough. Because with this awareness, they can at least stop trying to figure everything out and simply start enjoying their hand painting, alphabet lessons, and cat-naps. Knowing that even if they break a crayon or some lad pulls a chair out from under them, they're still exactly where they should be, everything is going to turn out just grand, and everyone back home is as proud as can be.

And oh my goodness, e, we are so proud of you.
The Universe

Your "paintings," e, are plastered all over our refrigerators.
and yeah when you need to rely on chainemails from theuniverse for encouragement... haha

i'm seriously considering emed or anaesthesia [although i probably shouldnt say this before the postings even start properly ;p].i seriously dont think i'm worthy of ____. it's like, how could you even dare to dream. haish. why does it have to be like this. isnt it equally difficult to be a doctor in all departments, and arent they all equally worthy. just today feeling like what i thought was good enough isnt... getting carpets pulled out from under my feet.

i wont even bother consulting anyone on teh Future. what's the point, who doesn't know what i want to do with all my heart and soul. if you asked me honestly to dig deep inside myself and wonder which i would apply for, the answer comes even without thinking. even with fear of rejection, i would probably do it. even with fear of inadequacy, of not living up to expectations, i would say yes in a heartbeat, would put myself on the line to try and try again until i meet up to whatever it is.

if there is anything i regret, it is that it is more difficult this way to get the one thing i really do want super a lot. that it looks almost impossible, for all the faith and trust that i have, i know consciously that it is difficult. it's not that i dont have blind belief, i really do. its just that today opened my eyes to the fact that i am very below average, and that i dont look competitive on paper, in person; that i am NOT competitive both metaphorically or literally. His Kingdom is not that of earth. but now, on earth, i long for these accomplishments. why DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS.

why can't i just be a kiddoctor because maybe because i'm good at it & i love kids & i think i can be good at the medicine side & the human side and becos its the reason for my existance in this world?!

okay end inarticulate rant

just that today, im thinking its unwise, given my extreme lack of competitiveness [read: i am super below average], to even try to reach for the stars

just that for today, i'm mired in doubt, doubt every fibre of me knows is wrong. i want to believe too. but the head works over the heart.

yeah, i know the logical way is just to keep on trying, and im not saying i wont im just saying... dont pin every hope on it and psych yourself up to love this so much

on a random note, had airway module today, FUN! i can intubate!!! YAY. im quite good at doing it on the mannequin too :):) can totally visualize the vocal cords and stuff.although i held the laryngoscope wrongly during the 'test' they gave us which honestly i was a little stressed about since i remembered the paeds resus simulation i paired up with c with.

us "errmmmm... so the patient is hypotensive... i will.....give some fluids. *hunts for fluids for like 5mins*." doctor "so how much fluids will you give" us" ermmmm" her "there's a chart somewhere" us *hunts for charts for 5 more mins* patient *desats happily* us OH CRAP DIDNT PUT ON THE PULSE OXIMETER *patient turns out to be really dessatted* we finally figure out the fluid dosing and the doctor inputs it into the comp looking seriously unimpressed.

anyway it was a very chilled out session in comparison today with an extremely nice anaesthetist who calmly taught us all the stuff and we all enthusedly practiced the skillz like x 100 (despite the guy telling the technician "these two girls can bag and mask already, let's test them now!" after watching us do it for the v first time). and the bag and mask thingy was super calm with being basically 5mins of squeezing the bag. although maybe i really shouldnt do emed/ anes since i am actually not too capable of squeezing the bag, i dont think i should do it in real life by squashing the mask/ bag against the pt's face haha

the person behind me in line was like "i think we should teach her how to hold it properly! if not she might do it like that in real life too!" and pple really came over to teach me how to do it LOL

tomorrow is more simulation! with a large area to cover "cardiogenic/ haemorrhagic shock, SOB, resus, airway management" cardio.... isnt that like... all the arrythmias ever?! and sedation course in the morning. i have a temptation to run in the morning since we only start at 9am but if i do that i have a suspicion i'll be fully anaesthesized in like stage III instead of merely sedated.  anyway fun stuff, hoping i'll be less n00b this time!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

pre m4 post

tomorrow onwards i will be M4!!

m3 feels so young & far away.  shiny new white coats, being allowed not to know things & being able to get away with being blur. the other day i got asked a qn on some esoteric corner of medicine and the words 'i dont know, im only m4!' came out of my mouth before i realised that it bears more weight if the speaker is M1/2/3.

what makes it even more milestone-ish is that, had i not had an extra year of knowledge-gathering (so PC hahaha), I would be a final year student now. THAT IS SUCH A SCARY THOUGHT. i am SO glad that i am currently not m5 and doing SIP because.... obviously... i am so not ready for such a thing yet. thank goodness for the extra time for the much needed maturity & emotional growth as a person.

i think overall M3 was pretty good, and i enjoyed it TREMENDOUSLY. it totally lived up to all my pre-med school expectations of the clinical years, how awesomely fun i thought it would be, and how grouchy surgeons can be. and it surprised me with some nice surgeons too haha. and overall it was just very good to me. i read my old archives & this jumped out at me "somehow i feel that it's a series of fortunate events these days", yes that totally sums up the past year.

i definitely put in my best. there can be streamlining & improvements but definitely a good shot :)

anyway so here are my resolutions for M4

1. to actually watch all online videos (cough 5mins anaesthesia video) - edit - i watched two already! great job e, a total of 8 mins of anaesthesia videos, and 1 hr of dramas.
2. to keep running and never give up (both metaphorically and literally)
3. to not forget my love for paeds, but not to let it blind me so much that i miss the forest for the trees, cos honestly all this discussing residency things repeatedly, is so frustrating, we cant really do anything by continually discussing it. but maybe just being in the moment and doing each rotation to the full is good enough. as for which place i'm going to apply for it, seeing as im no deans lister sobs, i still DONT KNOW. but, i'm not going to spend M4 trying to divine it, or M5 either. i'm just going to... wait and see... sighs. and wait for God's perfect will.

and most importantly....

from our daily bread:
I thought of Moses' words to God's people as they prepared to enter the Promised Land: "You shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, and whether you would keep His commandments or not" (Deuteronomy 8:2)

Saturday, July 14, 2012

like there was no beginning

worthless to the point
the words "i'm sorry" might seem like a lie
i think it's time i let you go
even if i held on to you again
since i now know that i cannot make you happy
wooyoung's new album :)

friday was nice! TGIF. fridays always tend to be nice

sense of closure to the thing i've been working on this hols, got the necessary stuff signed off, dinner @ sushi tei with the cg girls, and watched sy's magic show!
thursday was pretty good too. sleepily in the morning, i did something really good without even knowing. a warm glow permeated the evening. thankful, for such a happy ending to it all, specially since the whole time, i was stressing about every random thing

the near future
1. watch anaesthesia videos before the simulation sessions!!
2. meet nandita & nic :)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

two more days... and a new discovery everyday, literally
on the bright side, even though things are moving rather slooowly along, i think that if it moved at lightspeed, there are a lot of important things i would have missed out on.


decisions, decisions

meanwhile, suju!!

to chase this new lead like a mouse after cheese, or to continue down this path that may or may not be significant? meanwhile, time flows by like a waterfall

it's a good idea, but i haven't the faintest notion or understanding of it. i'll need to go and hunt for treasure in desert islands, something that yes i enjoy, but takes time

i guess ive never been one to shy away from a challenge. bring it on!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

be alright

when i was alone, wandering in the darkness

i couldn't see anything
i will become that beam of light
that always lights up the road in front of you
today i found myself enjoying what i was doing. this hard-earned thing that as i got used to it, got easier and mechanical, even, and then transformed into this brainpower-consuming jelllyfish. though i swore to give it my all, the giving of every hour, thought, and effort was not entirely what i had expected, specially since i cant deny i wanted time to chill out. i guess i thought that i would have at least a few weeks to recharge.

but! today i realised that spending my holidays this way is actually really lovely :) it's just something so precious. it's really wonderful and such an honor to be doing something for humanity. it didnt hit me until i asked for the extra prayers on sunday. then i realised, the beautiful thing about this whole thing, is how it is something beyond me. and the reason i never actually aspired to this particular bit, is because i've always considered it so high-up and above me. and i still do actually. i dont think i am worthy of it. but to have the opportunity to do even an infinitesmal bit of it now, is really amazing. so i'm going to trust that every small hill is just that, and believe that the universe which has already orchestrated so many things beyond me, can fix everything just fine.

Monday, July 9, 2012

my grace is sufficient for you

today's sermon was really very good. to the point that i think maybe i was meant to go for that mass

you know, in this world, we are taught that achievements and accomplishments, to look polished, presentable, perfect is of paramount importance

paul, having a "thorn in his flesh", prayed three times to God to have it taken away
"my grace is sufficient for you. for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 corinthians 12:9

from the online commentary (lol, but i thought it was worth noting down for future memory okay) -

So that if an answer be not given to the first prayer, nor to the second, we must hold on, and hold out, till we receive an answer. We have an account of the answer given to the apostle’s prayer, that, although the trouble was not removed, yet an equivalent should be granted.

Though God accepts the prayer of faith, yet he does not always answer it in the letter; as he sometimes grants in wrath, so he sometimes denies in love.

When God does not remove our troubles and temptations, yet, if he gives us grace sufficient for us, we have no reason to complain, nor to say that he deals ill by us.

Grace signifies two things:—
[1.] The good-will of God towards us, and this is enough to enlighten and enliven us, sufficient to strengthen and comfort us, to support our souls and cheer up our spirits, in all afflictions and distresses.
[2.] The good work of God in us, the grace we receive from the fullness that is in Christ our head; and from him there shall be communicated that which is suitable and seasonable, and sufficient for his members. Christ Jesus understands our case, and knows our need, and will proportion the remedy to our malady, and not only strengthen us, but glorify himself.
when i am weak, then i am strong

okay, i won't say that right now i am facing super alot of trials, i mean stress comes & goes anyway. i guess i dont know if i'll ever finish, in fact i can't predict what i will do tomorrow, until tomorrow comes, quite literally. actually, i can't even see far enough to KNOW what to do tmr, since i'm generally in such confusion and lack of knowledge that i dont actually KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT. but in the general overview of things, it's okay i guess.

but in the small things & the big things, trust. one of the readings today had this line "he was amazed at their lack of faith"

when i heard that, everything flashed before me. i know that i always say here, how many miracles have been wrought. but the reason i do that, is because i want to always remind myself of it. i never want to forget. but the truth is that it is very hard in daily life when facing all my inadequacies, to believe that the way ahead is smooth. i mean why should it be, just randomly?!

but i guess, that's the essence of faith.

the funny thing is that i used to be obsessive about the pursuit of happiness. i really wanted to know, philosophically speaking, the definition of happiness. but these days, the words that keep popping up in my mind is not that (maybe i have already found happiness..?? hahaha), but belief, trust, FAITH. 

after mass, i went to ask the nice priest to pray for not me, because honestly this is all great but i just want to do something good for yknow, SOCIETY, or what is the point of all this i might as well just go play sims3, but for the stuff i am working on now. cos i think the important endpoint is that it actually benefits people. what's the point of making reams of deadwood that just contributes to the general ether of wishywashy, unclear statements. just something that is of use to people & helps the people that my heart goes out to on a regular basis and that are ridiculously cute & adorable. he assured me he would & he agreed heartily with the cause :) yays. & now i am filled with hope x100, even though i am still mired in goodness knows what. and of course i can pray for myself and of course i do. i just suscribe to the belief that the more prayers the merrier haha

Sunday, July 8, 2012


before hols started, i wrote this...  
what i really wanna do right now is

1. go to a bookshop & read & buy books [i will i will]
2. meet up with friends over leisurely coffees, conversation and... books. LOL. yeah i'm a nerd like that haha
3. bake yummy stuff for teh people i love

but oh well i get to
1. go travelling
2. run/ gym etc. all stuff i love. omg the exam induced cabin fever was really torturous
3. do what i wanted for electives [God really does have a way of granting all my random prayers, and often in a form better than i could have even imagined]

while clearly i didn't exactly have high expectations...

GUESS WHAT, we're one week out from m4 and i've accomplished ALL OF THE ABOVE!! well, i didn't include "bum around at home with absolutely nothing to do, nothing on my mind, nothing to run off to and nothing pressing and important that i have to do next". yeah. i never managed that. haha. but it's okay!!

good time management also enabled me to meet up with loads of people! except high tea on friday, but i was rather... let's not go into the details but rather just say i was tied up with something at the time. yep. haha.

so yay :) one week more. all i want to do is to make this week count. to finish this week knowing, that i did my best, whatever it may be. (also because i know complete slackery is not really on the horizon. haha). maybe, just to be like an ENERGIZER BUNNY this week. yeah!!

Friday, July 6, 2012

strawberry days

totally in love with younha's songs, new youtube find :):) if i ever get this thingy accomplished, THIS IS THE REASON WHY.

You sink into a gap in my mind; in time I will follow my wish

Don't fade away
Like a cool coke, this moment
Strawberry days
Like the refreshing morning air after being tired for so long
It's a typical day for me
I'm with you and the moon already

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will sleep by the glow of the fireflies
If it could be like that, tell me it won't change
- strawberry days, younha

memory by younha

My mind erased you

My heart emptied you out
you've clearly been erased

time is erasing
your figure now
and my mind that was
filled with you is being emptied

such a melancholic song. the lyrics above are so heavily edited that it takes on the opposite meaning of what the singer intended (though I erase you/ everything remembers you) haha.

maybe i'll take this off someday, not that it really matters

it's not that i didn't try
but i never really wanted to let go
no, i never let go
i can't throw away my more than useless memory
yeah, i'm not sure what i was holding on to anyway
but now i think it's time
it's best to let go when you dont feel anything anymore
when there is no longer any hurt or any memory at all
then it will be as easy as breathing
it's easier said than done
but now that i can't remember anything
and i dont hurt anymore
it's the perfect time

space imagery

let's just think of happy things :)

1. SPACE IMAGERY (ie big bang collaborating with samsung for their world tour. actually i just love the pun, that's all. wahaha)

2. oranges

3. 2ne1's comeback song came out yesterday!

4. unexpectedly meeting people around who happily pop out of nowhere haha this really made me very happy

5. wrote a poem about vacuum cleaners & i really like it!!

on this issue: similar to the debate, although i'm terrified of the outcome, i shall just believe its gonna be okay. because just the same, this is something God led me to. i really truly did not purposely pick this route becos i thought it was easier or better. although i did not perhaps fully appreciate that there may be extra stressors due to the nature of it, either. everything just fell into place outwith of my control. it just happened. there were a thousand other ways it could have gone, but it happened this way. and enough things happened along the way that showed me, how amazingly good this can turn out, too.

it's really going to be okay

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

day by day

good to know that i am still human and am still capable of feeling emotions

he gives miracles so that there will be faith. he gave them to me, not because as i thought, i had believed, but because if not, i may not have believed. but i must say, the past happy year of rainbow-colored macarons, should enable me to believe for a really long time in the goodness of the next few ones :) it was really a very happy one i must say, possibly the happiest ever

i have found my answer. i wanted to think there was a complicated logic behind it all and if i thought about it enough the puzzle pieces would unravel, and form the picture that i wanted. and there is a very specific picture that i wanted. still want.

but it isn't about that at all.

your ways are higher than my ways

i dont think i can doubt that this way is far better than anything i had imagined.
even if there is something behind it all, i strongly doubt i am meant to understand it right now. so maybe i should quit trying.

because something tells me that i have been doing it right, reccently. finally. for the first time in my life, i am learning what it really means to be a human being, and somehow not let any balls drop when i'm juggling them. this year, time seemed to stretch. the more i did the things i knew were right, the more somehow everything seemed to fit.

and even though this seemed so out of sync with the theme of nowadays, actually, it fits perfectly too. its the best, kindest way, that He could ever have done it.

Monday, July 2, 2012

more wislawa symborska

yay nice poetry but i should REALLY DO WORK ARGH.

MAY 16, 1973

One of those many dates
that no longer ring a bell.
Where I was going that day,
what I was doing --- I don't know.

Whom I met, what we talked about,
I can't recall.
If a crime had been committed nearby,
I wouldn't have had an alibi.

The sun flared and died
beyond my horizons.
The earth rotated
unnoted in my notebooks.

Mirrors caught my reflection.
I wore something or other in such-and-such a color.
Somebody must have seen me.

Maybe I found something that day
that had been lost.
Maybe I lost something that turned up late.

I was filled with feelings and sensations.
Now all that's like
a line of dots in parentheses.

I shake my memory.
Maybe something in its branches
that has been asleep for years
will start up with a flutter.

Clearly I'm asking too much.
Nothing less than one whole second.

One Version of Events

If we’d been allowed to choose,
we’d probably have gone on forever.

Meanwhile, a fair number
of stars lit earlier
had died out and grown cold.


*random self-talk*

other random thoughts -

"God writes straight with crooked lines" saw this somewhere online and i heartily agreE.

Sunday, July 1, 2012


friday was such a happy day!!

1.  managed to arrange an impt meeting
2. got my ______ signed
3.  cake!

1. 14 k+ run to botanics and back. EPIC RUN. i havent run for like two weeks, and even then, i only run like randomly once a week so i'm extremely unfit running-wise. SO SMASHED OMG.

2. met m & j for lunch + coffee. it was really so good to meet them again :):)  missed them lots. it was nice hanging out like old times. happy bookending to it all. :)


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...