Tuesday, June 12, 2012

maaany thoughts, but briefly
1. awesome 2 days of shopping. really retail therapy to the MAX, such a lovely and nice time.
2. human interaction is really so underrated. like the hos being friendly to me & inviting me to join their lunch teaching. makes the day v pleasant
3. meeting friends :) met e for lunch + was the bearer of good news for her LOL
4. baked last night! could have been better LOL but still. ACHIEVEMENT
5. planning electives 2 during electives 1 is such a strange feeling
6. timetable for m4 is out!! a&e and anaesthesia first. two things i used to love vvv much until i got diverted down this path. feel tempteddd, even more than for cardiosurg. anyway. at least i know it will be an enjoyable 6 weeks. SO EXCITED FOR M4. so many fun postings ahead. plus electives, hopefully they go as planned. that is, whatever i manage to plan. what is the best plan?!

now and then well doesnt it ALWAYS really, i feel nervous about the future. like. if this is so difficult, what are my chances. but i must remember what ___ told me, that she wasnt afraid cos she knew that if God wanted her to get it, she would. and if he didn't then she wouldn't. simple as that. that inspired me back then, and still does. i just worry that i am making this a false idol in my life. like running towards achievements. the thing i most hate, but this world runs on achivements! not that i have any. still. the eternal struggle.

today again i was faced with remembering my inadequacies. how people didnt believe in me. i realised a few things
a) i have not changed, one bit. the only thing that changed is the influx of blessings
b) the thens and the now are there for comparison's sake. if id always led a charmed life, then these blessings wouldnt mean a thing to me. wouldnt it be sad if i was blase about miracles & amazing things happening to me all the time?!
c) i dont think that in the past i was not a happy bunny cos i didnt believe. becos i mean how can an eight year old really know anything anyway. and dont kids have this magical thinking thingy going on until goodness knows what age. but that said actually i dont really remember anything before all the group performances skits we put up in primary school gep. so i COULD have been a really happy bunny. that said, i think the whole getting into gep thing is probably a miracle in itself considering how bad i am at maths. but definitely its not until _____ that i started analysing my faith. so it was probably a good thing. HAHA. the first, and the only good one. the others after that were positively detrimental to faith!!

i think the main difference is that now, magically, i somehow believe in myself. somehow, now i really do think that no matter what i get myself into, God will get me out of it. although i do get myself into a disproportionate amount of messes... i'm just really glad to have such a solid belief in this. call it opium, but you can ask me about all my miracles, i'll be more than happy to tell you :) i still have lots to work on though.

also i used to think that when i first flew off for the first time & did my visa, that was the most grownup moment of my whole life. i guess it was the first real grownup moment coz i was taking like the direction of my life into my own hands lol. and even though its so far away, i'm still really grateful for that, cos nothing today could have been achieved if that first step didnt become a happy reality. but then came the joyous slackery and total lack of accountability to anyone and anything when  its just 4 walls and you and you can watch tv the whole day without anyone knowing or saying anything. who me? heh. so i think the college life is a special kind of chilloutness which is not really adulthood HAHA. using freedom freely, oh well.

but, i think that everyday when i have to mould myself in the image of a doctor, emulate the professionalism of people i admire, dress professionally, make friends with people in the wards and all that... that's when i really grew up the most. at first its just playacting, but slowly it becomes less of a puton thing, and less and less of pretense. :)

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