Friday, May 11, 2012

omg its 130am

saw ___'s bday photos & felt nostalgiccc so went to look at old photos, but to scroll thru those, i need to look at more reccent ones. chanced upon the happiest photo EVER seriously. i love the look on our faces, of absolute happy ASTONISHMENT

i must keep remembering that, when it gets difficult. the actual mugging is not that difficult... ok actually it is. but the mental exhaustion really gets to me. can't... study... anymore....

do you know, that time not so long ago, i really did not believe. i really did not understand why i kept being dragged back to this thing. even after long discussions & the fear of phailing at something with such HIGHSTAKES. even after the changes which i felt so much relief about... and then suddenly i was pulled back into it. "i dont understand why the sign keeps changing" i told s "this is the final sign!" he said. such conviction lol. becos i did not believe, i tried my utmost to trust, but i decided that i would prepare to my greatest ability, every angle possible, to counteract the winds of uncertainties. but even then not everything is preparable, you know? that time was the most reccent time i felt fear. but somehow i kept going, goodness knows how or why. i suppose part of it was all the fun we had. i dont really think the time i am having currently can be considered FUN lols

well, i dont know where i'm going with this. & i think mugging the topic that will come out will do more direct good than reminiscing all the times God came through for me and how i approached each of it. i mean, becos in the end it's all up to His will, and i can only try my best... which unfortunately isnt very good

but you know, i have no idea what will come out and i have no more will to study...

so i have this to say: when i chanced upon that photo, seeing how something that i was really not confident of doing somehow turned out SO great, and its something within really reccent memory, not some far-flung memory... it really encouraged me. there is SOME HOPE, out there, SOMEWHERE. most importantly is that, somehow i was able to rise above myself & all my inadequacies, incompetencies, and do something far beyond my abilities. [okay i suppose i occasionally can do a good job with that, but you know the times i have managed to do that is so rare WAHAHA. and i very rarely do it in times that actually matter] 

im scared and i dont think it's gonna be okay.

but maybe, just maybe there's a chance, somewhere over the rainbow...

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