Saturday, May 5, 2012

daily dose of encouragement

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

My God, enable me to trust in the good outcome

of the test I am about to take;
help me to contribute my own share
of optimism and confidence.
With your grace, my God,
I hope to crown my efforts with success.
Keep far from me at this moment
any presumption that it all depends
exclusively on me.
You are next to me, my God,
the necessary and welcome presence
in all the moments of my life.
I will take this test, my God,
because it is important
for my personal development.
My God, be the source of my inspiration
in my doubts and uncertainties,
supporting me with your blessing.
Amen.
 
 i am more scared than i have ever been. no, actually i have definitely been more scared before. but it's a scary test, that's for sure. the prospect of the unknown. the prospect of me leading the examiners down a random path just by a nervous word that slips out my mouth and they jump on that to zham me about some exotic thing. the prospect of not knowing, of not having done enough. it scares me that i must ration out my remaining days and the days no longer belong to me. that even a run must be so stringently portioned out like wartime bread. why can i not just believe, for once, that i will be okay. is that faith or is that selfindulgent overconfidence. why, after so many miracles, can i still cannot bring myself to have blind faith... maybe because, i know that the reward isnt in there here and now. however whereever the reward may be i have to, and would very much like to, pass this exam.

and seeing how i have worked my tail off for the longest time save like two weeks of glorious re-humanization in which i -gasp- had lunches with friends, high teas, attended birthday parties, and so forth, i want to justify that somehow. and more importantly, becos i know my effort goes without saying, i need to make sure that i do justice to the miracle in my life. i know i keep extending the goalposts, but this seems like the final goalpost. this seems like the best way to say thank you i now know happiness i did not realise could exist. i chased love and hedonism and what i thought would make me happy but in the end it took an act of selflessness to make me so happy that i dont think that i can call it selflessness anymore. it's just that, at the time, i didnt know that even greater miracles awaited me.

so i have not really been freaked out very much [as in, relatively speaking to my past experiences. not relative to what a normal person would do. haha], becos of some inner calm. and now i AM freaking out going: I HAVENT DONE ENOUGH. why havent i been hyperventilating ridiculously for the past month?! why can i even wonder to myself when i should run or go to combat when that one hour is SO PRECIOUS. for the record of course i am not going to spend one hour punching thin air instead of doing past yr qns. i am just freaked out that i am that cool about it that i can even consider that.

anyway, it is now 1am and i have like five things to do on my to do list.

world, i will let you know if it was foolhardy calm, or it was some sort of inner peace that comes from oh say, faith plus MUGGING LIKE ANYTHING TO SURVIVE ALL THE KILLER POSTINGS thus far.

that doesnt change that i am scared.

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