Sunday, April 15, 2012

umbrellas

ive always loved umbrellas since em forster's howard's end

i cant remember exactly what transpired, but i'll bet it was gorgeously and lyrically described and was an Integral Moment to the plot :)

the other day, i found myself at a zebra crossing, desperately in need of an umbrella. the whole way walking there was pretty much blind faith becos i knew it was raining and i knew i should just hunker down wherever i was, with some expensive coffee, and wait out the rain, until goodness knows when. [did i mention, it was on a day where efficiency was not really my friend].

but for some reason, i just kept walking. i sort of thought maybe God would rescue me [i think he sent the dissenters who kept calling/smsing me to tell me to just wait the rain out, like how he sent the lifeboats/ helicoptors to the person in the proverbial flood, and the person just kept waiting for the real rescue by Him]. i thought maybe someone would offer me an umbrella or the rain would stop or something.

i got there, and there was a trafficcontroller, who did have one, but the moment i approached he just happened to turn around and talk to random passerbys. i realised that i was wearing my uniqlo hoodie that had carried me through rain & snow in edin, so i just took my chances and ran across. it was fine. nothing really got too wet, even my priscilla's medicine which was not covered by anything.

and then the over-metaphorization started. haha. i think it's pretty cool though. maybe He equips you with the things you need to get through situations, beforehand, at random times. so when it comes to crunch time, surprised, you find that you can do it. maybe it isnt always a big save cos i mean, those are saved for the really impt things.

but whatever it is, again, saved from the rain. :):)

okay just got an sms that the vascular reg pre-rounds at 630am. aurghhhhh.

on the bright side, today got distracted by a lovely book called intern blues. it's about some peds interns too! what are the chances, heheh. and tmr planning to give the HOs chocolates. note, not sucking up cos im giving my old HOs. like just pple who have genuinely been v kind and helpfuland whom i want to cheer up with chocolates. 

today when i was holding the offering, a thought that came into my mind was that, more than before surg or catheterizing or btw patients, i hoped with all my heart my hands were clean. that even 7x77 handwashing steps are not sufficient. [give us clean hands] takes on a new meaning... i dont know how clean my hands are. i dont know if having the intention to make them as clean as possible counts, for anything. i just hoped...

and i knew that i was closer to the heart of things than ever before, so i said (many) little prayers, hoping that despite every fear, every doubt, maybe in that special moment where for goodness knows why i am chosen to dothis, maybe that prayer will carry just a little more weight, will be looked on just that little more kindly. who ever knows. i'll just carry on washing my hands & my soul. cos i know the real final exam is reaaally far away, and even tougher than this one we are all so afraid of. but i also know that, slacking off on this, means im being a bad doctor in the future, and not doing my job as a student for now. and so even tho its not enough to just get the grades, its not acceptable to completely forget about it either. or to even just do one iota less than the capabilities He has given me until now allow me to. i must put the talents to good use and not just bury them under the ground.

and so - i'm looking for umbrellas - the hidden ones. i know i will find them someday, somewhere, somehow, always when i need them most.

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Through the fire