Monday, April 2, 2012

hot cross buns

every time i mess up, am contrite, but i still get saved anyway

unexpected blessings; guilt & resolving to try harder next time.

i'm so glad i went for penitential that mon. even tho i had to run like mad from an unfamiliar mrt station. so many things ive always beat myself up about. it's not a sin, it's okay. the simple but such good advice. yes, it's not when you're trying hard to be a good human being that you slip, it's in the moments when you're busy/ distracted/ stressed that you snap at people and lose your resolve. but it's okay, that's not really a sin either. ask for help to deal with those situations and the help will be given to you.

i only have like three more days, counting tonight. essentially, i'm doomed. but in the middle of this, i want to be a good person. because the real test is in eternity, not on thursday. but somehow, it's easier to memorise things and google esoteric terms, rather than to keep my cool. and it doesnt help when one is pmsing. LOL.

but even tho i am so flawed, He always saves me. when i saw that email, i couldnt help but have the kneejerk reaction: God is really good. it's not just that when good things come i am grateful, it's that sometimes, you KNOW. this is from God. i know this because on my own merit, i dont deserve this one bit.

i loved palm sunday with everyone gathering outside the church to follow the procession in. it just seemed for one minute as if we were a part of the crowd, 2000++ years ago, part of the people who crowded around to hear Jesus's teachings. i thought that was pretty cool. for one minute, we werent just people coming on a regular sunday, we were people who wanted; yearned to be there.

something that has been on my mind lately is, walking thru the snow to get to church, looking for God. and then i realised that if i were to rewind, there are only one set of footprints in the snow. something that is really comforting is the realization that He must have looked upon that and thought it was good. how thoroughly encouraging, to go through so much crap, but at the end of it realise that it was worth it. somehow, it's just such a weirdly beautiful thought. and then ofcos i woke up, and i was a flawed human being who is unable to organise exam studying, a human being who is unable to triumph over physical pain; a human being unable to withstand the temptations of chocolate

whatever happens, i just want it to be known that no accomplishment i do is mine. i think it is pretty obvious that i am the antithesis of talent [apart from a few singular talents i seem to have been given, eg writing poetry and speaking, literally, speaking, actually writing speeches may be a different matter altogether, those only work like maybe 10% of the time, and maybe the ability to make myself run even when i dont feel like it].

but thats the beauty of it, isn't it? if God helps those who are already at the pinacle of accomplishment, then no one knows if it's from God or from themselves. if He helps those who are so obviously unworthy, then it's clear as day where the miracle is coming from. except when one is unworthy, how can one be worthy of God's help. i dont know either. my eternal struggle lol. let's just hope that for the millionth time, God helps me out, goodness only knows i sure need help this time

that sunday, i was a bit lost because i had gone to the washroom, i didnt know why everyone was crowding around the doors outside. then i realised that they were waiting for the procession. tiptoeing & trying to see what was going on, i was strongly reminded of the story about the cloak. because you have faith, you shall be saved.

i just ate a chocolate hot cross bun. it was supeR yummy. if i do well for surg, i am so baking chocolate hot cross buns.

ps: i am determined to make my faith better with some actual theological knowledge read: actual bible studies, at some point in time. maybe not right before the exams, but i will join them at cana. and i just realised i smsed annthea yes i was going for edmund's baptism on sat, ie i have to go for the easter virgil which i have never gone like since FOREVER. well, if i can stay up all night to assist in an appendectomy, i think i can stay up until midnight for this.

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