Friday, February 3, 2012

on why i dont believe in rainbows

there is a blog i read, which is v inspiring and all. but honestly, i stopped believing in teh rainbows a long, long time ago

its just that, at every turn i always got too distracted by more pressing things, and it doesnt always do to sit & stare at the clouds & ponder Life, too much

since the kind rejection from my most reccent poetry submission, btw i really mean kind coz they dont always reply if they dont use your stuff, and the guy was really constructive with his comments, he's totally right that i need to rein in the puns HAHA ok he said it in a far more poetic way for sure. i've been trying to do just that, make the images and the words worth their weight. the problem is that while my past works have some chance of that, they're... solidified, like old friends. i cant unravel my old poems like sweaters, it doesnt work like that. i know, i know, personal and public poetry. i'm sure my poems can be read in the public realm too and evoke emotion in people who dont really want to know about my Life. its just that.... my Life is too worked into the poems for me to undo them and make them mean any more than they already do

okay, so moving on, i decide to write new stuff. well surprise, surprise, for me, the poem comes from the puns. any other way and i end up with cheeezy drivel i wouldnt even put to paper.

then i think, maybe there is just all this... GUNK. FBC and LFTs and whatnots that stand between me, and worthy verse. maybe if i write and write and write out all the flotsam, the real stuff will come out. i like that idea. that there is a layer of... something, that if you just got rid of, everything would magically work out

because for me, poetry is just that. these days, that is. it used to be something i wrote when i was really unhappy e.g angsting over math tests? write poems about the moon. i still love writing about the moon, btw. and space. yes, clearly i am john keats. LOL. no actually that would be autumn & spring. i dont like to write about the seasons, becos i feel that localizes the poems to somewhere outside of sg, where really i may not have intended it to. and also coz i tried before and i think that automatically clichefies it... for some reason. the moment you write 'winter' or 'autumn' it gives it a whole sheen and then i cant concentrate on the Point anymore. whatever the point is

isnt it so thoroughly pretentious to write about writing so candidly when i havent produced anything of worth within memory?! probably, but i dont care.

somewhere along the line, when i started to suppress my emotions because i began to feel it would hurt too much... i guess that's when i started losing my poetry. the one i wrote about my shoes? i guess that's an allowable amount of sadness to have. and it's not unforgivable, but yet something i needed to work through. losing things i was never meant to have, i dont know, that's something entirely different. and its not like my shoes are able to recognise themselves in my poems. heh.

that said, i used to have a really bad habit of showing people poems about themselves. lol. it's evil i know. now i've said that, people will think poems i show them are about them ;p

im not sure if this is about poems, or rainbows. i dont really wanna talk about the rainbows. just that, everytime i read all that kinda stuff, i just feel stuff like 'but what abt the people who dont get the rainbows' i dont know does that make sense. it does but i guess it isnt socially acceptable, per se. i think hope is just a v dangerous thing to peddle. i just about accept the one about inherent goodness in life cos well thats something really relative isnt it. but this specific type of hope... i dont know. ive grown up i guess.

maybe i used up all my store of hope on my last miracle. it sounds silly, if you keep getting miracles, cant you hope all the more? well what are the CHANCES man, miracles are by definition not everyday occurances. how many miracles can one person get. and if there were to be any miracles i should hope i win the _________, yeah, THAT'LL be a miracle

just a thought. in actuality, i havent thought about it since forever. and today was spent wishing my random dyspepsia away. SO RANDOM. but i dont have early satiety (FAR FROM IT) so not gastric outlet obstruction. whewww.

anyway, pall med is over!! 2.5ish more weeks of randomly going to a diff place every morning. i find this v stressful. i doubt the amazing race is for me. they shld give us clues at the end of each day, at least that might be more exciting. suspensE.

and also i am getting rather tired of discussing residencies cos i feel like we are all talking in the abstract which really frustrates me. i know there are concrete steps i can take to make things a reality but some steps are further than others and guh i just dont ever like counting my chickens beforehandd.

this is just a random post. in truth, it was quite fun today travelling around with the home care team, it was like those rural docs that travel around by car and their bags seeing pts! and srsly we really travelled like for hrsss from bishan to near ktph and back.

the whole experience was v positive really, the pall med drs are in general VERY nice & humanistic & charismatic hahahaa i actually told that to the reg during the ttsh pall med debrief becos...she really was THAT nice that i felt like i was talking to a friend
me: i was actually v surprised that although the drs see such depressing things everyday, they're such... cheerful & charismatic people!
reg: i will tell them that
and HAHA she really did! zzzzz

but yes i discussed this with some of my cg mates and we concluded that to go into this field, pple are usually extremely chock-full of humanity to begin with, so that makes perfect sense.

okay so on that note i shall go and sleep. it has been a v fun day reading abt cholecystectomies, but notsofun having dyspepsia.

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