Saturday, February 4, 2012

cookiedough

ive been trying not to depend on God for anything reccently. not in the i-dont-believe way, but in the i dont want to think that the universe owes me anything way. which is good, because it really doesn't. but i do think that specifics aside, he WILL give us peace/ happiness/ grace. i really do think that. its just that sometimes the specifics matter too.

but faced with uncertainties (because i mean, seriously, no matter how chilled out or whatever one is, there is always the POSSIBILITY) & worry, there is honestly... nowhere else to turn. there is no OPTION of just having myself to blame. i dont really want to have any reason for blame haha.

this brings us to the question of WHY. greed? curiosity? spontaneonity? (if there is anything that can be said about this, it was not a spontaneous decision). but it goes without saying too that it is something i Want. and it is something that i feel is not going against my gut feeling of what is Right. maybe the route to conclusion is a litle convuluted, but... it is right, yes it is.

okay, fine, i'm scared. who wouldnt be. maybe it's time to put my trust in God again. he DID get me into this situation. i'm sure he'll bring me through it. sure, it's not going to be the easiest cakewalk ever (cake! hee) but i'm going to fight til the end and go down fighting, do the best i can. victory doesnt have to be conventional; you just have to make your own definition of victory and aim for that. the sort of thing where, no matter what happens, you can LIVE WITH YOURSELF. actually, that's the hardest kind of all.

so this is me, trusting completely that's its gonna be ok. trusting that this which ive conveniently not thought about for all this while, this unlikely thing, is going to turn into a miracle. sometimes it's not like the miracles happen with lots of warning & goodfeelings about it (actually, rarely). sometimes the miracles come out of nowhere, unexpectedly, and that makes it all the sweeter. and no i'm not expecting one, i'm just saying that i trust that it's going to be okay. i dont know what okay is, but i hope that it'll be okay okay, not just like ehhhh allright, not uncommittal dithering but an assured thing

i love challenges, right? this may not quite be like running a 21k without training cos i know i can do it. it's more like the sea swim. God, this is linked irrevocably to that time, right? when the siren call was so loud i could barely resist it. the things i learnt from that, can be extrapolated to this time. lessons learnt are never wasted. i'm not equipped for the sea swim. i've never swum with sharks, dolphins, not even goldfish. i'm not ready to have people kick water in my mouth, i'm not ready for the jellyfish. i'm not ready to plunge into the ocean on a cold windy morning. but You got up with me at five am, You drive me to the seaside, You signed me up for this. and so maybe i can't walk on water, but You taught me how to swim

~

this post is not about medicine per se, but when searching for prayers online (LOL) i chanced upon this physician's prayer, which i quite like :) for what i am REALLy praying for, im not sure if there is a specific prayer. maybe that sort of thing, you should pray silently in your own heart, in your own words. but that is just, one thing along the road of life. to be a good doctor, well, that's my lifegoal, the ultimate one. and i must not forget that, but i also must conquer this challenge with everything i have.

Almighty God, I rejoice that You have gifted me and granted talent to me in the area of healing. I look daily to Jesus Christ, our Great Physician, as to what my life must reflect.
 
 I have an example of Jesus' very words saying: Luk 4:23 "Doubtless you will say unto me this parable, physician, heal thyself." For this reason I look to You and You only for making me not only a healer, but one that walks in integrity according to Your divine will.
Saint Luke was recorded in the Bible as being the beloved physician. He also educated himself and followed the path of Jesus. May I always do likewise.
Lord, people look up to me; may I set a Godly example.
Lord, people depend on me; may I not disappoint them.
Lord, people come seeking healing; may I not fail them.
Father God, my life is in Your hands and the many that come to me have placed their lives in my care based upon my knowledge and skilled abilities.
May I affect their life for good.
May I bring to them Your healing power.
May I be free in my profession to proclaim Your glorious name.
May I never fail or forsake You or others because I have had personal reasons to not excel or to let my guard down.
May I continue my education and knowledge to stay advanced in the latest medical marvels available.
May I diagnose with wisdom.
May I treat all with dignity and respect.
May I never fail to proclaim that my life is dedicated to You.
May I never be hasty or rude.
May I always keep in mind that You who has called me to this great undertaking, will always prevail that Your will be done.
May I accept the outcome of all my patients with the humility of knowing You are in control.
Lord God, bless not just me, but all that seek treatment through me. I ask in the name of Jesus Christ alone. Amen

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