Monday, January 30, 2012

because it's you

LOL the poem-of-the-day in my email inbox is... an o&g poem

anyway, am now suffering the consequence of having a LOVELY hols where i did everything i wanted to. well, not everything, like i didnt trek up the himalayas or organise a conference or save the world ;p but chill out & spend time with loved ones & finally act like a human being for once? CHECK. i seriously hung out with almost every single one of my friends too! cept d, who whatsapped me the DAY AFTER i decided it was time for Serious Work. oh well. im looking forward to going to dublin & james joyce-ing my way around it. so i shall defo see him at some point in time!

seriously. taking the 2+2 as a 4 week block, i feel mostt satisfied looking back upon it :):)

anyways we're on our palliative care attachment now, and following the general trend of fam med tutors, the one today was really nice + engaging + etcetc. seriously when the tutor has lunch with your group, it makes such a difference. makes you feel like they're a human being!! and the place we were at today was very definitely a catholic place. really nice to see all the crosses around & stories of the saints' lives hanging on the walls.

for a little while, i felt like i should work there cos it is clearly such an incredibly noble profession & obviously such a catholic place, like i should give back for all he has given me. and i really wanted to, to, because well the feeling you get is basically like walking around in church... this deep sense of peace and God's presence. its really very hard to say no to that spirituality-filled env. but then i realised with some sadness that goodintentions nothwithstanding, i dont really have the personality/character/fortitude to do so. the tutor was telling us that he chose pall med because he really wants to give pple a good end to their lives and he is so passionate abt that & clearly believes in that 100%, that gives him life satisfaction. its then that i realised (even as my mind was full of admiration) that the point is to use whatever He has given in the best place possible, so as to put it to the best use. and whether i am capable enough/ will get it, i definitely know that my heart lies with _____. and its no cakewalk either, im sure i will put in enough calls and endure lots of scoldings for my ineptitude, to feel like i'm fulfilling my penance. i probably didnt articulate this properly, but oh well. but it was just such a beautiful example of putting one's talents to use for God. i'm sure that the exact implementation differs for everyone. maybe they dont raise up peds drs as saints particularly but its ok its actually v hard to be a saint (from the little of their lives ive read) and i think im rather far from it anyway haha.

THAT said i realise tt im actually in the middle/ slightly <50% of the class bellcurve thingummy whereas previously i thought that i was getting an A-ish mark based on some arbitary A-ish grade i had in my mind?! so UMM time to step it up yo. i really enjoy studying leisurely as opposed to SHIT I NEED TO KNOW THIS BEFORE WARD ROUND TMR ARGHHH which erm obviously i phailed at anyway since i still cannot rmb the CHADS2 score despite being pimped on it at int med ward rounds, reading up on it, dr loh's tut on it...

me: C is for... erm okay nevermind...H is for congestive heart failure!
yj: ... no C is for congestive HF, H is for hypertension
me: oh crap okay A is for atrial fibrillation
everyone *hysterics* NOO the chads2 score is for atrial fibrillation!! A is age...

me: oh right...

its like when i told my research supervisor
*confidently* oh, and i know how to use CPSS also
supervisor: *pause* you mean SPSS. CPSS is the patient records system

or during the GI tutorial
tutor: so when the patient is bleeding, what should you do?
me: give anti-coagulation!!

okay continuing this extremely random post, i'm now going to make a list of dramas i watched in 2011/2012 thus far that made me smile/ entertained me! and that i actually finished (the total number is actually rather low, surprisingly). because... um they entertained me! and haha if i dont record it it seems like all the hours will drifttt away into nothingness. okay i guess they already did. haha. into prettily-organised notes..

1. dream high
2. secret garden (the body switch was so hilarious! actually this just seems sooo long ago)
3. best love
4. scent of a woman (tango!! bucket lists!)
5. the musical (didnt finish the last 3 eps though, degenerated into ?!! it's such a pity because the first few eps were so fantastic)
6. what's up

currently watching: high kick. it's only 20 mins per episode and is so funny! seriously the best thing to accompany studying about gallstones. although, i really really miss how i met your mother/ gossip girl/ big bang theory. ARGHH.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

the tomato plants

[excerpts from] october by louise gluck

The light has changed;
middle C is tuned darker now.
And the songs of morning sound over-rehearsed.

It is true that there is not enough beauty in the world.
It is also true that I am not competent to restore it.
Neither is there candor, and here I may be of some use.

I am
at work, though I am silent.

I was young here. Riding
the subway with my small book
as though to defend myself against
the same world:

you are not alone,
the poem said,
in the dark tunnel.

by Louise Gl├╝ck
In your extended absence, you permit me
use of earth, anticipating
some return on investment. I must report
failure in my assignment, principally
regarding the tomato plants.
I think I should not be encouraged to grow
tomatoes. Or, if I am, you should withhold
the heavy rains, the cold nights that come
so often here, while other regions get
twelve weeks of summer.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

i'm positive i've posted this before, but i can't help it. this is PHENOMENAL.

kickstarted teh mugging.... with a long brunch + catchup with nandita @ botanics yesterday! hehe. we literally walked all over the botanics! and had the most carbfilled but yummy lunch ever. literally. it was french toast + cinnamon + strawberries. amazing. and ahh i am so looking forward to visiting n&n and m & everyone else in the us... ONE DAY when i finally organize electives/ vacation there :) anyway after i finally got to the lib and sat down at 1230pm (SUCH EFFICIENCY. NOT), i got called away on a random mission, which only got finished at 130. so by the time i really started studying, i was extremely sleepy. btw, i don't have clinical narcolepsy, i checked and even did a research project in yr2 on narcolepsy before. HAHA.

despite that i studied the vasculitides! and met lots of people mugging away in the lib. and the m4s who are now free to holiday. lucky people!

anyway i must say that i LOVE MICKY YOOCHUN from DBSK. seriously. so so handsome. and he can sing like that despite having asthma?! and i must confess that when i found out he had asthma i... watched the youtube vid to pick up signs of respiratory distress, & wondered if he was barrel chested.... hoho. luckily i'm not friends with any dbsk fangirls ;p and i dont think his respi distress was THAT bad. he should just carry a personal nebulizer around! [/medicinegeek]

Monday, January 16, 2012

one time

i fall asleep after morning breaks uh

no pain no gain
i dont count the few things that i lost
there are things to gain

the fire inside my heart keeps burning;
doesn't know how to die down, higher
there is nothing i can do for life;
this sweat down my forehead hasn't even dried yet

shout again for this moment
one time, one time
up to the sky, higher than the heaven

my expression-less reflection in the window says,
i know, you know, why do my tears keep flowing
up to the sun (up to the sun)

also, must restrain self from running to the botanics for bkfast w/ n tomorrow! lol. i really get obsessed with the most random things. in my defence, the botanics is really very pretty, i love running, i love running in pretty places & new routes (the canal is rather smelly. and i have run there for yeaaars).

Sunday, January 15, 2012



on retrospect, going for rpm challenge the day after running freakin' long to botanics & back was a crazy idea. i was SMASHED. literally. i have never felt so exhausted ever. right now i feel like ive just ran a half-marathon. and having run a half-marathon multiple times before, i think i can vouch for that and say... yea, it feels pretty similar.

anyway it can't have been helped by my uber-weird sleeping habits reccently

now am doing writeup. again. yea it gets old really fast. i know that too.

the interesting thing today is that we have NO MEANS OF UPLOADING THIS WRITEUP. kinda takes all the motivation out of doing it... but i just know that if i dont do it, magically the way of uploading will reappear on ivle. then i'll be screwed. so im doing it! it better appear anyway.

another thought is that i must reaally focus on things i want to do. the problem is that there are so many things i want to do with my life. $300 for a cake decorating class actually seems reasonable! when you arent the one earning the $$ that is ;p

okay the 3 Ps and 3 Cs. why am i even bothering. paeds. paeds. come on you can do this!!

note to self: looking at food blogs to entertain yourself when doing work makes you eat more. nooo shit.
sleepy ++. my sleep cycle is allmessedup, instead of alldressedup. sigh. as illustration, i woke up at 4pm yesterday?! anyway hols part2 has just started and i kicked it off with... uh waking up at 4pm & having a really painful run to the botanics. that took me ONE HOUR AND FOURTY MINUTES. to be fair i actually got there in 40 mins. then i sat on a bench for 10 minutes, then i painfully dragged myself back for the next however long the remainder of the time is. i think im getting unfit. i used to be able to do 40 mins there & 40 mins back. i thought i would be super sleepy after that but at 3am i was discovering the joys of a new baking shop at holland v! yay!

... and now i'm really, really sleepy

today i have to
1. finish my writeup
2. gym
3. family lunch/brunch
4. church
5. actually start studying

in this hols, i plan to
1. plan my electives (theoretically i can do what i was intending to, but pending ethical approval... let's all hope it works out!)
2. plan my post m3 hols!! :D
3. learn how to make cakes with fondant/icing etc
4. I REALLY WILL MAKE CINNAMON ROLLS. i have been aiming to do this like even before med sch LOL.
5. learn korean :):)
6. lose 5kg. wahahaha. actually in sg, i tend to put on weight during hols (as opposed to how when i actually flew back here for hols, i used to lose weight simply cos im guilt-tripped into exercising more, and im not eating out like super alot). and my cg is extremely happening with alot of outings haha. the last outing was thoroughly amusing even though we were all SUPER TIRED (from i dunno what also. is polyclinic very tiring clearly not. probably it is so un-tiring that we feel free to pursue other things outside and then stagger in barely awake yea that's it).
7. do things to be a better person [purposefully vague but i know what this means!!]
8. buy haruki murakami books :)
9. shop!
10. have a longrun to the botanics & back at least 1x/ week, hopefully 2x? hahaha. and that by the end i will be able to do it in 1 hr 20 mins ;p

and of course study. bleh. i think i aim to really study not like lay everything out infront of the comp and then bum. duh. seriously usually i bum forever and then study for 1 hr between 1am and 2am -_-
anyway to the people doing the conference thingy, good luck! im sure it'll be awesome, and thankyou for the break that we have coz of it HAHA thanks thanks really :)

Friday, January 13, 2012

what i talk about when i talk about running

 "If you can't understand it without an explanation, you can't understand it with an explanation." - 1Q84

reccently i've been feeling atpeace with my future plans, which is nice. hehe. although i dont think that the dept is exactly going to poll all my friends & random tutors for my suitability, i just feel like the universe is planting signs & encouragement my way, like positive reinforcement, for my Dream

and linked with that, is the other parts of my Dream... i think that it will happen, yes, but i can't continue on this arc i'm going on now. i need to change Things, i need to do about a hundred diifferent other things, half of which i have some idea what to do and the other half of which i have no clue. but i just thought that it was a really good wakeup call.

in light of that, and trusting in God, i dont think i want to do what i agonised abt doing on friday. i dont think i'll have the time to machinate what i was planning to, and if all these yrs He has stopped me everytime i wanted to finally do it, i dont think that it can have been a coincidence. so then that begs the qn - what was the POINT of that whole shebang. maybe things dont have to have a point. maybe the beginning five minutes was the main point and the next few years were unimportant whitenoise. i always try to read too much into everything *cough poetry during lit class* and maybe, even for God's plan; ESPECIALLY for it, it's not really meant to be for me to dissect like a poem. or maybe i can dissect it all i want but the things i come up with arent really His intention anyway

just have been feeling like understandings click into place, and am glad for it.

realized, that the reason i feel so much peace about my futures now, is because i trust God to sort it out for me :)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

hard boiled egg of wonderland

reading haruki murakami interviews now. i think i must really sit down somewhere and read through his books from cover to cover, not just in standing up spurts when waiting for people at bookstores. true, every page is so like poetry that one is tempted to transiency, but still..

i think i fell in love once i read the part where he says his main characters are written to resemble nick carraway from the great gatsby. (actually, why did he not choose gatsby himself?!) but anyway. come to think of it, murakami is basically like the japanese fitzgerald. and he used to run a jazz bar. that must explain why "jazz leaks into his prose", as one review put it

i dont want to fill in my logbook. argh. so sleepy. i want to stay up all night reading murakami books. but i have one more fourty-five minute drive, one more prosaic day. and not to mention, i dont actually own any of his books

i nearly forgot my friday mission. i think, to heck with it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

hi world, it is midnight and i am officially screwed for my case presentation tomorrow, and have absolutely NO motivation anymore


okay i give up just 20 mins more and whatever i cant finish... erm i'll just hope that we cant fit 7 presentations into 1 session! haha!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


just sent the stupidest email of all time, essentially saying "hi guys sorry i have no suggestion" SUCH INTELLIGENCE. but really, i cant be faulted. it's 10pm and i have to produce a case writeup/ presentation/ somesuch thing of intangible form by 830am at a very far-flung place to my tutor. sigh. and its not really a chronic case either

WHY did i stay back until 530pm in this slack posting is beyond me. i think we must have broken the all-time record for staying behind in this particular segment of the posting. and SOUL-DESTROYING MRT RIDE, practically from one end of the green line to the other. not to mention the morning traffic jams. ughh

anyway i really cant think of anything. speaks volumes for my intel. its okay, i'm now a r-o-b-o-t. yeps.

that said, it was a really interesting day! we had the most fabulous tutor ever. i dont know, he just managed to integrate basic science, fam med principles, and all the stations in the service rotation BRILLIANTLY, all the while being entertaining & interesting. infact halfway thru going thru the answers to the worksheet he was like "eh actually i'm not answering the questions am i, i'm just talking about interesting things" but no, it was v good!!

and then after that in the afternoon h and me sat in on his clinic session, and interviewed (i dont think clerked is the word, as h was like asking half the qns for me, and it was more of a fam-med style ICEKAPS thing. after tt, h was like, i think u need to study more HAHA thanks thanks). this pt who was telling us "oh i dont like to tell doctors what i have, i see if they can guess it and then if they can, YES!!" when we went back to the room and mentioned it to the doctor he was like "nooooooo!" *head in hands* and yeah basically it was just the most interesting variety of patients ever in a polyclinic/primary care setting. take it from me, who saw 14 urtis in a row, and the moment i exchanged rooms, my friends saw a case of cellulutis. and i diagnosed a case of warts! awesome possum

oh and our tutor treated us to lunch. that guy is seriously the nicest and most generous tutor EVER.

now case writeup ARGH this is never-ending. or in this case, never-starting. i think if they want us to ICEKAPS our way thru can but the format should be more geared towards that...

you know the classic saying "God grant me determination to continue when it looks bleak and serenity to stop when i should and wisdom to differentiate the two" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. yeahh. i need that now. .

anyway i think i should have done it all those years ago. so easy to say that now, but i kept putting it off. oh well. hahah. i dont think there can be much ramification, not after all this time, but WHO KNOWS.

and after much thinking i have also come to the conclusion that the season of the 16 year old me is well and truly over. it was really fun, i dont deny that. i love inmaturity, emoangst, bummingaround and the highs and low, but i think that there are different seasons for things and i am very clear about what lies next

which leads me to...

i love it when people tell me i should go into _______ and that i am made for it. THANK YOU SO MUCH. seriously! hehe. just small things like that, really encourage and make my day. i consider this a healthy form of delusion. for unhealthy forms of delusion feel free to pm me, haha.

on that note, i would like to say that usually if i am indulging in delusions, i dont actually tell people unless forced to, as a learned character trait after years of subjecting my friends to unwanted, unlyrical prose about love, life and the universe. if i am talking about something... probably i think it is an amusing topic to talk about socially. i think unhealthy delusions are best pushed under the carpet & forgotten FOREVAH. yay! evolution yo.

and cute babies really make my day. :):) not just one day, they make everything worth it. whatever it is.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

1. i have cimmamon for cinnamon rolls!
2. i studied ascites today
3. church = :)

1. ELECTIVES ARE STRESSING ME OUT SO MUCH. its freaking one month of my life, i would like to do sth productive. im sure that randomthings that i find rushedly can fill the time, but i want it to be more than that. i do have a project (finally), now the prob is making sure the bulk of the time is within the elective timeperiod. i could canvass for ANOTHER project, thereby making my hols zeroo, which is actually fine by me coz i love this speciality & would happily do ten projects in this area if i were allowed but then yunno, i foresee weird logistics working it alll out like maybe happily the first project works for electives and then i am wasting the depts time by straddling 2 projects, like being too greedy for projects (well, yeah, but only in the sense like how mice like to eat cheese!). okay and anyway i love to overestimate my abilities but two projects might really be too much. (unless its just lit review, haha. but then it wont be impactfull enough.)

ok. basically that is it i am v stressed about electives and WE HAVE TO DECLARE ON THE 10TH why is it so exciting and fastpaced huhh. like so if i declare i have plans, they may not plan for me?! but i may not want what they might want to plan for me...

okay maybe i will spend the month taking yoga classes to finally become certified. i must have taught friends + family like over 20 classes by now. but erm its 3000 and i dont even know what currency that is in and ARGH ONE MONTH OF MY LIFE i coulda spent jetting off to john hopkins or something, assuming they'd accept me.

2. i need to find a case for writeup by mon or tues :( even though the writeup itself is due like NEXT mon. bleh

haha ok i am sure the elective thing will work out. just that i have been going over the possibilities for awhile now and i just needed to lay out the thought process somewhere. i guess i will just try to get another project & thereby have stress ++ doing 2 projects & trust that either it isnt too hard or i have superhuman skillz coz i dont want to force the thing to fit in the 4 weeks if it cant, or like put it down as those 4 weeks and then errm find out too late that i finished everything too early/ the delay in waiting is too long

but what shall i write on the declaration thingy?! they should have a yes/no/MAYBE option hahah

Saturday, January 7, 2012

lol this is hilarious

so... what is right, i have NO IDEA, just go with da flow

haha really just being happily oblivious to everything is THE KEY lalala

Friday, January 6, 2012

repeat the same words

you know sometimes you are just too exhausted to pick yourself up and start running again

these two weeks of hols were actually THOROUGHLY unproductive, putting my internal-medicine-robotory skillz completely to shame.

i barely studied, ate out gazillions of times (and gazillions of food) and hardly burnt anyy of it off. and i spent the whole time bumming around enjoying life hehe. but it was awesome (barring the part where i keep having to disarm my personal inefficiency danger alarm). goes to show how unusedd we are to glorious slackery i guess
to the point that when i tried to start up the engine again, i was just like zzzzz let me sleep longer please

BUT! now, marshmallow-fuelled, i am baaack on teh wagon! go go! but im not going for CTS. hahaha. today i shall
1. email my supervisor all the papers i found
2. do the irb form thing
3. study hypertension (from priscilla's)
4. dance hiphop!
5. return library books
6. borrow MORE books
7. procure ingredients to make yummy food (as per my DAILY resolution)


just keep having this feeling that i want to overhaul everything and commence perfection NOW but inertia.

and get rid of all the random thoughts in my head. paeds really cleared it out so efficiently. i was like an assault tank during that posting seriously. okay so it got extremely tiring constantly worrying about THE FUTURE but at least i dont have to think of all this. having time for oneself is excellent but thinking about unproductive things is FRUSTRATING.

so yeah just random reflections

and also i think that some things, once gone, can really never be gotten back again. especially when one deals with it so clearly & specifically to the end. or rather, shall we say, some things just dont have to be said. oh well. nevertheless, sometimes it's also just that ethically, for fairness and balance in the universe, what goes around must come around. it doesn't always have to go to the fullest conclusion of perfection. or maybe it is the saving-me thing haha that hasn't happened to me for so long (maybe coz i havent really needed to be saved much from anything thank goodness.) but nah, i think it deserves it's own standalone place in the forests of the mind. and i havent really been able to discern anything for a long time now (have i been a particularly bad girl, or is this teh dark tea-time of the soul spiritually speaking or whaaaat),

but something that struck me very strongly was that this is good, and this is God's will. i dont even know which exact bit particularly but i just felt the peace & happiness that i prayed for. i dont know how or what or when or why, but i know its gonna be okay, much more than okay in fact

koyote's repeat the same words
i LOVE the beat! makes u wanna jump up and start dancing

Thursday, January 5, 2012


Super stuffed from the bbq zomg. I conclude that our cg guys are super good at shopping for and bbqing the bbq stuff. And the marshmallows were win! The other day also had massive amts of food + bubbletea + fellowship w the edin pple yey Now i feel like an extremely happy + overfed pufferfish hahahh. But anyway, will give thanks where it is due, thank you God for all this. Oh and our tutor now is SUPER nice. Srsly. After tut he was like "ok guys lets go for drinks now!" and was like chatting w uus for 1 hour! And we saw an uber cool case today too

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

i love these days when it all becomes clear... God's plan, inasmuch of its entirely as i am allowed to see now. i am so happy, that finally, at least, this is worth this much. (and trust me, it is worth a lot). to have this be real to me at last, all i can say is that i could not have had it any sooner, and deserved it. let's just say, thank you for the random out of nowhere burst of stuff. for something so random, in the context of this, actually, means a lot and the best thing is that finally my eyes are opened, and it means everything to me


3 more days of AL! a much needed break cant decide if i shld just sleep. or do research. or study ecg. omg how how or do the mountain o...